Hey, I don't know if this is good and Im afraid to ask friends. Give any feedback, criticize me as much as possible, it will be appreciated.
1. Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"World" such a versatile term, it has so many different meanings, but what does it mean to me? What has my "world" done to make me who I am? My world has changed throughout the 17 years of my life, bringing many hardships with it but I truly believe that everything that happened in it was for a purpose and it has shaped who I became today. I was born as the second child into a low-income family. I grew up watching my family struggle with money problems but somehow get through with life.
My father came to this country to see me being born, he told me his world changed when he first laid his eyes upon me, and he told me that he was given a second chance to take on this world that we live in because he had me, his "special" son. "Special" the word I was given by my father to describe me, it's the same word I use to describe my world. One day my father came home from work, tired like usual, and told me "son enjoy life now, and study hard so you don't end up like me". His words stayed with me forever, later I understood what he meant because I had found out from my mother that he had the chance to get an education but refused and he regrets it every day. Watching my father live in misery every day had a huge impact to my world, and it is the sole reason for my burning passion for the only aspiration I have in life, to get the highest education I can acquire, all to make my father happy when he sees his son become successful.
However being born into a low-income family is not the best when you want to become a top student. Through 12 years of my life my family was considered low-class until becoming middle-class. All of my teachers told my parents that I had the potential to be brilliant, but I didn't have the materials I needed to tap into that potential and when I finally did, I deemed it too late because I was in high school. I lost all motivation until I met my friends today who sparked my passion to work hard once more.
Throughout my years in this world, I've had many difficulties that blocked my path to achieve my goal, like my parents almost separating, I had to overcome all these struggles and still work my hardest to achieve my goal whom my father strongly believes I can. The problems may have affected me and had an effect on my grades but they have made me a stronger person, I am now determined more than I ever was before, I personally believe nothing will stop me. The world I come from is beautiful, it has made me, it's done everything to me, it's been in my past, and it is in my future. My world, I want it to be the best I can possibly make it.
Alright, that's it thanks! also it is 508 words, so if you find any unnecessary words please report it! Thank you again.
My world haschangedbeen changing constantly throughout the 17 seventeen years of my life nurturing my character and personality to be what I am today.bringing many hardships with it but I truly believe that everything that happened in it was for a purpose and it has shaped who I became today .
... I suggest you to stop there and go to a new sentence to tell the rest;Being born as the second child into a low income family, my world was full of hardships and challenges, but I believe that everything happened for a purpose, and indeed for a good purpose.I was born as the second child into a low-income family. I grew up watching my family struggle with money problems but somehow get through with life.
You can leave this out as the earlier sentences have already talked about this aspect : )Thank you so much! Everything else is fine and I answered the prompt?
thanks alot!
I've always been told to read over and over the prompt clearly. After reading your essay, I found that you answered the first part "describe the world you come from" very thoroughly, but you forget the second part, which is your aspiration. What do you dream of? What is your aspiration? You concluded that you've matured and become stronger from the world you live in; how does that world shape what you want to do with your future or what your dreams are?
One more thing to keep in mind, in my opinion, is your opening statement. Starting an essay with questions is really generic to me, and the last thing you want to do is to have a failed hook from the beginning.
Last but not least, describe the hardships in your world. You said your dad came home tired as always, what does he do? Give context to your essay as well. Same thing goes to your lack of materials to exercise potential. What do you lack of? What did you have to face? Rather than merely mentioning it, tell us about that.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your application! :)
My father came to this country to see me being born, he told me his world changed when he first laid his eyes upon me, and he told me that he was given a second chance to take on this world that we live in because he had me, his "special" son. "Special" the word I was given by my father to describe me, it's the same word I use to describe my world.
It
's good that you talk about your father's role and his influence on you... but do not drag it too much. This is what I suggest for you;My father stepped into this unknown land looking for opportunities for his children. He told me that it was my birth that lit up his life and gave him courage and hope. I was his "Special" son, as he described me often.After reading your essay, I found that you answered the first part "describe the world you come from" very thoroughly, but you forget the second part, which is your aspiration.
---------- this is a very good point... yes you need to attend to it seriously.If you like my suggestions and need me to help with the rest, let me know.... I shall try my best to help.... when is the dead line?dumi
the 30th
I dont have much time XD my aspiration is included, I want to get a really good education! I really dont know how to expand on that.
My father came to this country to see me being born, he told me his world changed when he first laid his eyes upon me, and he told me that he was given a second chance to take on this world that we live in because he had me, his "special" son. "Special" the word I was given by my father to describe me, it's the same word I use to describe my world. One day my father came home from work, tired like usual, and told me "son enjoy life now, and study hard so you don't end up like me". His words stayed with me forever, later I understood what he meant because I had found out from my mother that he had the chance to get an education but refused and he regrets it every day. Watching my father live in misery every day had a huge impact to my world, and it is the sole reason for my burning passion for the only aspiration I have in life, to get the highest education I can acquire, all to make my father happy when he sees his son become successful.
This is my suggestion for this para;My father stepped into this unknown land looking for opportunities for his children. He told me that it was my birth that lit up his life and gave him courage and hope. I was his "Special" son, as he described me often. His words still echo in my ears; '' Son, enjoy life now but do not neglect studies because I don't want you to end up like me''. I could learn from his eyes how he regretted for wasting the opportunities he had for educating himself. His words and his eyes together passed a powerful message to my young mind and I determined that I should take studies very seriously because it is the only opening for us to hope for a better future.However being born into a low-income family is not the best when you want to become a top student. Through 12 years of my life my family was considered low-class until becoming middle-class. All of my teachers told my parents that I had the potential to be brilliant, but I didn't have the materials I needed to tap into that potential and when I finally did, I deemed it too late because I was in high school. I lost all motivation until I met my friends today who sparked my passion to work hard once more.
Throughout my years in this world, I've had many difficulties that blocked my path to achieve my goal, like my parents almost separating, I had to overcome all these struggles and still work my hardest to achieve my goal whom my father strongly believes I can. The problems may have affected me and had an effect on my grades but they have made me a stronger person, I am now determined more than I ever was before, I personally believe nothing will stop me. The world I come from is beautiful, it has made me, it's done everything to me, it's been in my past, and it is in my future. My world, I want it to be the best I can possibly make it.
This is my suggestion for your next para;It was not just the financial difficulties of a low income family that I had to manage as a young kid. Together with I faced other challenges too; the marriage of my parents was falling apart creating a major psychological trauma for me. These issues at family front affected my grades time to time. But I always made a come back because I never forgot my father's words and his hopes in me. When I look back I see that these challenges had made me a stronger person; they nurtured my determination, perseverance and courage. Most importantly, they helped me light my fathers eyes with hope. Yes, I am determined to pursue my goals no matter what obstacle stands in my way.Thank you so much!
alright here is my new version
"My world has been changing throughout the seventeen years of my life nurturing my character and personality to be what I am today. Being born as the second child into a low income family, my world was full of hardships and challenges, but I believe that everything happened for a purpose, and indeed for a good purpose.
My father stepped into this unknown land looking for opportunities for his children. He told me that it was my birth that lit up his life and gave him courage and hope. I was his "Special" son, as he described me often. One day my father came home from work, tired like usual, and told me "son enjoy life now, and study hard so you don't end up like me". His words still echo in my ears, later I understood what he meant because I had found out from my mother that he had the chance to get an education but refused. I could tell from his eyes how he regretted for wasting the opportunity he had for educating himself. His words and his eyes together passed a powerful message to my young mind and I am determined that I should take studies very seriously because it is the only opening for us to hope for a better future.
It was not just the financial difficulties of a low income family that I had to manage as a young kid. Together with I faced other challenges too; the marriage of my parents was falling apart creating a major psychological trauma for me. These issues at family front affected my grades time to time but I always made a comeback because I never forgot my father's words and his hopes in me. When I look back I see that these challenges had made me a stronger person; they nurtured my determination, perseverance and courage. Most importantly, they helped me light my father's eyes with hope. Yes, I am determined to pursue my goals no matter what obstacle stands in my way.
My world has led me to believe I must have an education. I want to study computer science, I feel like the future of the world is dependent off it. I want to help make the world a better place and studying in this field would help me to achieve that. I have been fascinated with computation since I was a child, I want to know how it works and I want to improve it as much as I can. Studying in computer science would help me take part in changing the world, helping others, and giving me great satisfaction to my life."
also can you help me with my 2nd prompt too? thank you so much dumi! this is greatly appreciated! if I can repay you I will!
His words still echo in my ears, later I understooddiscovered from my mother what he meant by those wordsbecause I had found outfrom my motherthat he; my father had refused to study rejecting the opportunities he was givenhadthe chanceto get an education but refused .
His words and his eyes together passed a powerful message to my young mind and I am determined that I should take studies very seriously because it is the only opening for us to hope for a better future.
Since you included some sentences in between the lines I did for you, this part has no more significance. So better take it off. Without that it reads well now.My world has led me to believe I must have an education. I want to study computer science, I feel like the future of the world is dependent off it. I want to help make the world a better place and studying in this field would help me to achieve that. I have been fascinated with computation since I was a child, I want to know how it works and I want to improve it as much as I can. Studying in computer science would help me take part in changing the world, helping others, and giving me great satisfaction to my life."
-------------------- I'm going to revise this for you ;So I became determined and believed that I must continue my education until I reach final goal; I want to pursue a career in computer technology. It is indeed my dream career and I intend to achieve my father's dream through it. I want to help my family to stand on their feet; I want to be paid off for my struggles and have a better life for me.(I did not include what you said about changing the world because they sound irrelevant for this prompt);I suggest you to have the following lines to end your essay ; remove it from the previous para and attach it to the end of the last para what I suggested above;When I look back I see that thesethe challenges I faced had made me a stronger person; they nurtured my determination, perseverance and courage. Most importantly, they helped me light my father's eyes with hope. Yes, I am determined to pursue my goals no matter what obstacle stands in my way
Hope this would help!also can you help me with my 2nd prompt too? thank you so much dumi! this is greatly appreciated! if I can repay you I will!
: DHey.... I haven't done much for you to repay ! What's the link for your second prompt? I'll help you : )2nd prompt is right here "2.Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"
"Getting expelled, nobody is proud of it but I believe it changed my life. During my freshmen year I was framed for giving a "threat" and it led to me getting expelled. The person who framed me was also the very same girl who framed me in 8th grade with the same story to get me suspended two times. I was devastated hearing that I was going to be expelled for something I didn't even say! I thought my whole life was over, no college would accept me, I couldn't get a job, I felt like giving up. I had no hope.
I came into high school with a mindset that I was going to change everything about myself, be a better person, work hard but in only 1 week, a girl had managed to get me expelled for something I didn't say. The girl with her friends, who acted as witnesses whom heard me saying my "threat", had told the school I was going to bomb it. An act of racism considering that I am a Muslim and middle eastern. The school had believed the girls and I had no way of defending myself so I was expelled for the rest of the school year. Not only was I expelled but I was also now making a bad name to my religion. I thought to myself that if people could just get away with such a thing and I end up in misery then why would I continue with life.
The very next day though, my father took me on a drive and he spoke to me, he said that we never know what life will do to us and to not give up especially at such a young age then he said to look out the window to see the world. As I was looking out the window, I saw how truly beautiful the world really is then a million thoughts came into my head. I did not want to just give up on the world just because I was expelled, I was now more determined to do better.
I am glad it happened because it shaped who I am today. It had me want to change and be a better person, it made me work extra hard, and it made sure that I would not mess around with my life. Although I am not proud of the expulsion, I am proud of what it has done to me, it opened up my mind to the world and gave me a life changing experience early in life, if it didn't happen I would just be another average person. The experience will stay with me forever because it is what reminds me to never allow something like that to happen again and to be the best I can in everything no matter what happens even if it is really bad."
well... this has some issues. First, you fail to convince the reader that you are innocent because you give minimum reasons to defend yourself. You just say those girls framed you for something that you did not commit. I also have a fear whether this story may put you in further trouble, if someone in the admission committee would see you as a trouble maker (because you talk about your previous suspensions)
Second, you do not tell the reader how you overcame the issue... going a ride with your father and looking through the shutter at the beautiful scenery are not strong points or reasons that justify your quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution etc.etc. So this answer is a bit out of the topic : (
yeah I thought it was a bit risky
I shall change it!
thank you for your input
yeah I thought it was a bit risky
I too guess so
I shall change it!
----------- better ; why not pick up something on the positive side... some achievement that you made against all odds ?
thank you for your input
: ) ... Glad to help you dear! Start a new thread on this and I shall give my feed back! : )
k I will :D how about I just talk about the car ride? and leave out the whole bad thing XD
I am posting a new thread now for my 2nd prompt!
