Hello, I love this forum and all the wonderful people. I was wondering if I could get some editing done for these essay. Thank you so much. Like I would need help shortening it, and deleting stuff I don't need etc. Extra elite vocabulary will be kudos. Thank you so much!
My life has been quite a journey. I was born and raised in Iceland and I lived a common life for nine year, but in 4th grade I lost my parents due to a tragic auto accident. After the death of my parents, I was adopted by a great aunt and her husband in California at age ten, after which I've had to live a very different life. I was blessed to have a loving family and opportunities in America where I was able to accomplish in adapting to a new life while learning to face adversities that come in life.
Coming to California wasn't quite like coming to a land of gold. With a very different culture and life style then I've had back at home, I found myself struck with challenges. One of the biggest challenges may have been learning the English language where I had difficulties with communicating with my peers. I still remember to this day when I came home crying on the first day of school because I felt like I was in a land of aliens. Believing one day I will speak just like my friends, I started learning English by reading baby books and progressed from there.
However with every challenge, there were also accomplishments that I achieved. With biggest of all, I've adapted to a new life where I have loving family and friends. With support of their help, I was able to achieve great things in my life that led to who I am today. I achieved my English proficiency in my freshman year after much perseverance to become like an American. I felt so relieved that after all the troubles of being made fun of, I was able to achieve one of my dream goals. I've also learned to appreciate diversity from living in a new family where I learned that what America is about. People from different countries come to pursue their dreams with the wonderful opportunities the country provides. I've succeed making a better life for myself, and accomplished with all the academic and athletic achievements I've made during my time here.
I was able to learn to face challenges, and motivated to accomplish my goals. Now with the opportunity that is given to me by excelling at school, I'm even more motivated to become a great doctor in the future with foundation of great education I will get. This will surely build the foundation of my future, but as a man as well. I'm very proud with the accomplishments I made, and it relates to the person I am because I'm a true believer and motivated to do the best I can to achieve my goals. I learned to endure through many difficult challenges, but in the end, I can satisfy my accomplishments with help of loving friends and family that will guide me on the way.
I like it, but I feel you cheapen in just a bit at the end. I think you want to show that your friends and family and the experiences you have had have helped you learn to stand on you own and achieve your goals rather than needing your friends and family to guide you still. Work on your flow and your word usage I changed a few of them but there are others. Also it's a little bit repetitive you say achievements and accomplish a lot. Elaborate more on how you've grown as a person and how you've changed, and focus it more. One thing my teacher tells me when I give him my essays is "Show me! Don't tell me!" So to reiterate him. Show me! It still needs work in my opinion, but you have good material.
That just my two cents.
Good luck. :)
Here is a place where you can remove some unnecessary words that clutter up the sentence: I still remember to this day when I came home crying on the first day of school because I felt like I was in a land of aliens. ----I like this sentence a lot, so I wanted to cross out those distracting, unnecessary words. the notion of feeling like you are in a land of aliens is very intriguing!!
Believing one day I will speak just like my friends, I started learning English by reading baby books and progressed from there.----This sentence is structured very well!! I guess reading the baby books worked really well!!
In this sentence, use 2 commas or none:
I felt so relieved that, after all the troubles of being made fun of, I was able to achieve one of my dream goals.
or
I felt so relieved that after all the troubles of being made fun of I was able to achieve one of my dream goals.
Either is okay!
I think you could make this better by switching to the "active voice" instead of the "passive voice"...
Now with the opportunity that is given to me I earned by excelling at school, I'm even more motivated to ...
Great job! I think you have a great future waiting for you!
