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i was born in a small Indian village/ UIUC -Impact of past

ayushgp 3 / 5 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #1
The esssay prompt is -
In less than 300 words, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois

I was born in a small village in central India. I studied there till I was in grade 4 then my family moved to a city. I was admitted to my current school when I was in grade 5. This was when I was first introduced to the world of computers. On the first day of school my teacher, Mr. Vishal, introduced us to the basics of computers. He told us about the things we could do using a computer. I was intrigued. I developed an interest in computers that day itself. But back then anyone who even thought of owning or messing around with computers was the perfect categorical reference of a 'nerd'. Well now technology has become the 'cool' thing, every class and social group seems in one way or another to have some connection with computers or computer technology.

My father brought a computer when I was in grade 6. Like any other child, the first thing I did was to play a game on it, chess. I wondered how a computer, a machine, could think like a human. This made me find out more about the 'brain' of the computer. I asked my teachers and their response was that I would learn about it in higher classes. Well I'm in the highest grade one can be in school and I just know that it works algorithms. This has mainly made me interested in choosing a career in computer science.

Please review it and let me know my mistakes ASAP. :)
mylesd 6 / 10 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #2
Your essay is good but it does have a few errors. So, I have a few suggestions.
First, you wrote "I studied there till I was in grade 4 then my family moved to a city." The phrases, "grade 4, grade 5, and grade 6" sound odd.

Second, the word "till" is a bit informal for a college essay. I would use the word "until" instead.

If you put it all together the sentence should say, "I studied there until I was in the fourth grade; then, I moved to a city."

Third, you should include the name of the city instead of just saying "city."

Fourth, you ended your essay a bit briefly. I would elaborate on your curiosity for how computers work.

I hope I helped.
Good luck!
black and white 7 / 30 6  
Dec 28, 2012   #3
I have a few suggestions.
It should be 'my father bought a computer', not 'brought'.
It should be 'it works ON algorithms'.
I also think that you should include your future goals.
Hope this helps.
Please help me with mine.

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