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Bowling sport - college admission! help correct my grammars / change words to better ones


kriscasso 1 / -  
Mar 6, 2016   #1
As a competitive sport, bowling presents a truly demanding athletic challenge. Mental and physical precision, exceptional hand and eyes coordination, unwavering muscle memory, and endurance are all required.

I first joined bowling when I was 13, most people thought that this is a rough sport which are only meant for boys, so they usually will be surprised when they get to know that I am a state bowler. I achieved my most outstanding achievement only after 3 years of non-stop training physically and mentally; it was a 5th placing Girls Graded in the Sportexcel-Milo-NSC-MTBC Grand Finals in Kuala Lumpur, 5th placing may not seem to be an achievement to be proud of but before advancing to the final I competed in both Sabah and Sarawak League which each of it require us to bowl a total of 12 games in 2 days before advancing into the stepladder which the Top 3 will compete against each other, I was in the 2nd placing during the Sabah League which mean I will bowl against the 3rd placing Sarawak player, I was injured on my thumb before the stepladder but that doesn't hinder me from doing my best; although I won over the Sarawak player I lose to my own state teammate.

After that it was the Sarawak League, we competed at the King's Megalanes where I manage to get a 5th placing, I then advanced into the Grand Final at Kuala Lumpur, it was my first time getting into the final, I was so excited but also nervous at the same time. When I finished the game in 5th place, I feel that I have not done my best but I really appreciate all the supports given by my coaches, family and friends during the game. The prize in the Sportexcel Grand Final stretches out until the 5th placing which mean that I have gotten myself a trophy too. This competition made me realize that I still have more room to improve on both my physical and mental; but the most important things I learned from bowling is this sport took a lot of patience, concentration and confidence which is too important values that we should be equipped with to cope through our daily life.
zeyel 1 / 2  
Mar 6, 2016   #2
I don't think you should state your rank many times because it sometimes gets confusing and as someone who does not know anything about bowling do no use titles and words we don't understand
bloomingdaisy 1 / 5  
Mar 7, 2016   #3
Hi Kris,
As i read your essay, I think it's better if u give the full prompt. The prompt will make us (the reader) easier in reviewing or giving u feedback about ur essay.

My feedback for ur essay:
1. Please refrain from writing a long sentences, try to make it into more sentences if it's too long. Like this one:

I achieved my most outstanding achievement [....] I lose to my own state teammate.

I think it'll be better if u break it into some sentences, like this as the example:

5th placingBecoming 5th place winner may not seem to be an achievement to be proud of.butIn contrary, it's a requirement before advancing to the final.Thus I competed in both Sabah and Sarawak League which each of it require us to bowl a total of 12 games in 2 days before advancing into the stepladder which the Top 3 will compete against each other,.

2. I think it'll be better if u write the reason why u joined bowling in the first place, so that ur essay can be more interesting to read.

I hope my feedback could help you. Have a nice day!
Crystal812 23 / 55 11  
Mar 9, 2016   #4
Hi, Kris,

I found some tiny grammar mistakes:

"but the most important things I learned from bowling is this sport took a lot of patience, concentration and confidence which is too important values that we should be equipped with to cope through our daily life ."

the most important things is...... ?? → the most important thing is
so + adj. that clause.....
our daily lives
nelarizka79 16 / 21 1  
Apr 7, 2016   #5
... , most people thought that this is a rough sport which are only meant for boys, so they usually will be surprised when they get to know that I am a state bowler . I achieved my most outstanding achievement only after 3 years of non-stop training physically and mentally ; it was a 5th placing Girls Graded (...) and Sarawak League which each of it require us to bowl a total of 12 games (...) Sabah League which mean I will bowl against the 3rd placing Sarawak player, I was injured on my thumb before the stepladder but that doesn't hinder me from doing my best...

Hi, I would like to share several corection regarding your essay.

I think it is about the past time. so it would be better if you write it like this:

..it was..
..was..
..usually became surprised when they knew that I was.....
..after experienced physical and mental tra
..required..
..would..
had been injured..
did not


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