Prompt:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Essay:
I still remember that Brazilian girl who I had dinner with in Norway. It was a summer night in Norway in an empty school in a Norwegian village where we spent our International Village summer camp. The gym had been renovated and turned into a pretend casino, such that the money was not real and the drinks were non-alcoholic. I stepped into the gymnasium hand-in-hand with my date, and we walked rather timidly to one of the little candle-lit tables. At first, all we did was look at each other since both of us seemed unsure of what to say, but then honesty overthrew my shyness, as I looked at her pretty white face and shocking red hair, and I said, "you look very pretty tonight."
Next thing I knew, we were deep in conversation. We talked about everything from food to sports to music, and we were lost in conversation as we shared our backgrounds and cultures. Suddenly, the dinner tray arrived with two delicious plates filled with Spaghetti-Pork Bolognese. My religion prohibits eating pork, so I ordered a replacement plate. I was surprised when she did the same, did we possibly share the same beliefs? When I asked her, I learned that her religion also prohibited the consumption of pork. I was fascinated; it was like finding a common interest.
We felt closer to each other, and I felt even more comfortable while talking to her. That is why I didn't laugh when I saw her do a weird Brazilian dance; on the contrary, I tried to learn it. And maybe that is why she was so interested in learning an Arabic song that I sang to her even if it was hard for her to understand. It is pretty remarkable the amount of things one can learn from only one foreign girl; I wonder how much I could possibly learn from a huge diverse college community in a foreign country.
The importance of diversity is that it teaches us to respect each other's opinions and views, which are brought about by our distinct backgrounds. Such that we can get to know each other better, despite of our different opinions regarding various issues, and this will eventually lead to friendships that last a lifetime.
I look at college as if it were this Brazilian girl. At the beginning, I wouldn't know how to fit in. I might feel scared or anxious, but when I get to know it more and learn about its club and facilities, my old feelings will be gone and they will be replaced by excitement and interest. That is when I will be looking forward to join athletic and social clubs where I will meet students of different languages, nationalities, cultures, races, and religions. Being open-minded as I think I am, I will consider it a challenge to make them my friends and I will succeed by accepting our differences with a positive attitude free of any preconceived judgments or prejudices.
Please any kind of criticism helps
Thanks
I really like it a lot, but I feel like a lot of the writing at the beginning is either irrelevant or misleading. It seems to me as if you're trying to make it more of a short story, and the reader gets a little too caught up in what would appear at first to be the beginning of a love story to notice what message you are trying to convey. I think the parts of the passage such as "At first, all we did was look at each other since both of us seemed unsure of what to say, but then honesty overthrew my shyness, as I looked at her pretty white face and shocking red hair, and I said, "you look very pretty tonight."" are unnecessary as they do not give the reader more information about your ability to accept the diversity of others, and you can instead use the words you've saved there to delve more in depth to your message.
Overall, it looks good!
Good luck!
Thank you so much, i'll remove these unnecessary sentences right away.
Can you answer one more question please:
In general, do you find the essay related to the prompt or am i off topic or missing something?
