Ok, so this is the first prompt, and is probably the weaker of my two UC essays but i've come to an equilibrium that i'm comfortable with. i want to submit it soon and i only need a few suggestions on polishing up those last paragraphs, and also, absolutely any sentences/words i could cut out because i am over the word count by about 30 still... thank you :)
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I stood at the edge of the world, encased by a delicate glass sphere. Deep in the heart ...
I like your essay in general, but the ending especially does not flow. For the majority of the essay, you talk of how you were able to shatter your "bubble" (although you might want to change that analogy. to me i think a bubble could shatter really easily) but then at the end you just state that you want to be a teacher. This is fine, but maybe say you want to be a teacher so that you can help others break free of their confines.
ahh, perfect. that's just what i needed to tie the essay together, i was looking for something along those lines. that last paragraph was sort of random, heh. great input. thanks a million!
I like your essay but you need to check your grammar. A great essay ridden with countless errors isn't great at all. And it seems like you just threw in the last paragraph it really doesn't flow.
I re-wrote your essay to be in the present tense. It's not good to go back and forth between tenses. I would also suggest cutting down on describing your parents and elaborate more on why you want to be a teacher. How does your parent's protectiveness make you want to be a teacher?
That's what the prompt is asking
I stand at the edge of the world, encased by a delicate glass sphere. Deep in the heart of my sphere pulses the love and caring of my family along with their fierce protection. The edges of the sphere are clean and transparent - my vision is in no way blocked from the world and all its suffering. From a young age, my parents have exposed me to cultural and world affairs; I've traveled the world, kept up on the news, contributed to charities and participated in fundraising events. However, my own world, my personal life, has been protected and sheltered; my parents have made many important decisions for me. All the while, my desire to understand and follow my truth, my higher purpose in life, has been ripening like a fruit, and finally I feel that the time has arrived for that fruit to depart from its nurturing, but protective, tree.
Since I was young, I have watched as my parents have made decisions for me. I knew they were just looking out for my best interests, but I felt that at some point I needed to break free from the protective glass sphere. It was during my freshman year that I finally began to chip away at the glass bubble, when at last I won a struggle to take Japanese as my foreign language. I was greatly discouraged by my dad, who, being logical and persuasive, thought the better choice would be the more pragmatic Spanish. But I knew Japanese was the better choice for me because of my life-long passion for the language and culture. I couldn't have been more right to listen to this voice inside me that had struggled to surface for so long: in Japanese, I flourished at the top of the class as a straight A+ student, and finished with a 5 on the AP exam.
As I now enter the world as a young adult - my glass bubble shatters beneath me - all the decisions I make are my own, and my choices will come from within my heart, following my own inner guidance. Up until now, I have been more exposed to world truths, but it is the inner truths that I've had to discover on my own, and that is what truly has helped me know what is right and achieve more independence.
By becoming a teacher, I want to do my part to give back to the world... I want to help teach students from the inside-out... By helping them find their own independence and inner truths, they can find the inspiration to give back to the world.
thank you so much for the feedback, Angie! just what i needed... :)
i would comment on yours, but it's closed, so i'll post it here...
it's a great essay, there's just a few things i would fix (delete the red strikethrough words... that's it!)~" Basically, he wants me to attend the best university in the country and pursue the most prestigious career. But I won't allow him to plan out my life for me. Although I don't know what I want to do, I know that I am not going to pursue a career just because of the number of zeroes it will produce in my bank account. I want to be someone that can help my community and make a difference. Despite our disagreements I know that what we both basically want for my future is a better life than I am living now, which means that I must further my education..."
"That meant basically<--(with this one, you might want to replace it with a different word, but the other ones just go ahead and delete...) replacing my mom by walking my sisters to school, picking them up, helping them with their homework, cooking, cleaning, and translating for my dad while keeping up my grades."
your welcome shanemrys
I closed my thread because I submitted my app. Luckily I already made the changes you suggested.
ok, good luck! :)