Hey this is my supplement essay for UPenn, I am applying to the dual major cognitive and computer science degree. Please help me out and let me know where I mucked up? Thanks!
Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?
Many people throughout my life had told me to set goals. I had never really been the goal setting type before; I had simply tried to live life as it came to me. However, three years ago I decided to set myself a goal, and to set myself a goal worthy of a lifetime of pursuit. I do not recall the exact date that the idea first gripped my mind, but I do recall the day: browsing through the masses of information on the internet, reading an article, I said to myself, "It's about time to put an end to death".
The goal that I set myself three years ago has now come to monopolize my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions. I know that the defeat of death itself exists just beyond the current frontier of human accomplishment. The accumulation of eons of knowledge that we have painstaking preserved in our global cultures, texts, and traditions, stretching back to the harnessing of fire from nature, has paved the path to this goal. Being alive now, at the edge of this long awaited justification, and in a position of great opportunity, I am compelled to fulfill the human destiny.
My pursuit of knowledge is vital to the path that I seek to follow. Knowledge is the basis for my dedication. Knowledge is what I seek even as I write this. Knowledge is what you offer. The University of Pennsylvania is the obvious choice for me at this particular junction for many reasons. At a recent college admissions seminar, a speaker from Penn happened to mention the dual major computer and cognitive neurosciences program offered there. That could have been all she had said and I would have been hooked, but it was not, and I was further inspired by the beautiful campus and the rich research capabilities she discussed. It was amazing to hear that a University had taken the initiative to create such an innovative program, such a program that I had been unsuccessful in finding anywhere else. I have described these two fields in the past as the real routes not only to the technological fountain of youth, but ultimately to the enlightenment of our species.
If accepted at Penn, I would pursue the dual major in cognitive and computer sciences, however, I view a diversity of strengths as important to the mental character and I would also be enrolled when possible in classes outside of my intended major. I do have a secret love for the arts and will likely participate in some sort of creative media club or organization. I enjoy staying active in my community and my school and I plan to continue an active lifestyle of learning, working, and living at Penn.
In the seeking of my goals, I have sought Penn as the place to bring my ideals to fruition. I hope that I fulfill all of your expectations and I do hope that in doing so I fulfill the expectations of mankind. Collaborate, create, and discover the future of our world. Thank you.
My pursuit of knowledge is vital to the path that I seek to follow. Knowledge is the basis for my dedication. Knowledge is what I seek even as I write this. Knowledge is what you offer.
I really liked that part =)
I don't see any obvious mistakes, I think you have a well written essay. You'll have to wait for more reviews. Good Luck
Please tell me what you think about mine =)
"Where Spanish and American traditions merge" - Study abroad scholarship essay
Knowledge is the basis for my dedication. --- right here, this is where you stumble. I like this idea of setting a lofty goal. That is great, but in this paragraph about knowledge you go astray. I hope you'll scrap this paragraph and replace it with some discussion of specific kinds of knowledge.
If you start that death theme, you should continue it. At the end of the essay, you need to probably cite some articles about recent research that has been done to "defeat death" in the ways that interest you.
