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"My brother Richard Evan Gross impacted my life" - ApplyTexas Essay Topic A

kjscomp 3 / 4  
Dec 5, 2010   #1
Here's my first essay for the Texas A & M app, all help is appreciated!

Topic A (Freshman)
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

My brother Richard. Richard Evan Gross. He's my older brother, a father figure to me, my best friend, and the guy I always wanted to be like. To most people, your little brother is an annoying pest and I was no exception. None the less, Richard always did his best to make sure I was never left behind.

My mother divorced my father when I was four and Richard was Seven. For all intents and purposes mo brother was my father, I had no other. Richard taught me life skills. He helped me with my schoolwork throughout elementary and middle school. He taught me how to tie my shoes. He went camping with me. He even taught me how to tie a tie. Richard helped me become the man I am today. With no other male presence in the early years of my life, my brother made sure I had my bearings and enough sense to tackle any obstacle life would throw my way.

Like most of my friends, I always looked up to my older brother. In more ways then one, he was and still is my very best friend; the guy I always wanted to be. Anything Richard did growing up, I had to give a shot. He played Soccer, and I joined the AYSO league a year later. Richard was a cub scout and I had to beg my mom to take mom to take me with him to meetings on Tuesday nights. Richard took five years of French in middle and High School and this helped me in my decision to study French myself throughout high school. All those years I wanted just like him and he took it in stride, believing in my goals and helping me to be anything I wanted to be.

Even as much as I looked up to my brother growing up (and I did), it doesn't even begin to match how proud of him I am and how much I admire him to this day. After graduating High School in the top ten percent of his class, Richard went on to University to study Civil engineering and now works for the Florida National Guard in the air civil defense program. Currently Richard is serving in his first deployment to Afghanistan since November of this year. He is proudly serving his country. As much as I support his decision, I will not follow squarely in his footsteps. I have chosen to pursue my own passion and join the United States Navy. My brother does, however, support my decision.

I am not sure where Id today without this great man, but I do know that I owe a great deal to him. My brother helped me define myself as who I am today. He's the father-figure I never had, my best friend, and someone I love very much. Not many are as lucky as us to share such a great relationship, but for that I am thankful. I am thankful for my brother, Richard Gross.
lydever91 5 / 13  
Dec 5, 2010   #2
When you write, you should use the words, "I am convinced that ______." This lets you know that a sentence is not a fragment.

You don't want to use "My brother Richard" because it is a fragment and you may be knocked down for it.
I am convinced that my brother Richard is not a sentence. I am convinced that my brother Richard is my go-to man. He is more of a father than a brother to me.

At the end when you put my brother Richard Gross, you could put his whole name like you did in the beginning. I liked that; it made the essay better, not that it is bad.

Very good essay overall
OP kjscomp 3 / 4  
Dec 5, 2010   #3
lydever91 Thanks for the help I understand what you mean about "My brother Richard" not being a sentence, but its kinda like the title of the essay so i dont know what to do with it. I will put hi whole name at the end, like you suggest. Thanks again.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 17, 2010   #4
Another way to do it is by adding the verb "is"
My brother -- Richard Evan Gross -- is my older brother, a ...

When you write, do not tell the reader anything she can figure out on her own. Readers love to figure stuff out on their own. That is one of the secrets to writing in an interesting way. It's why I crossed out "my older brother"above.

was Seven seven.

Like most of my friends, I always looked up to my older brother. ---do you mean they all look up to their brothers or that they all look up to your brother?

In more ways then one, he was and still is my very best friend; the guy I always wanted to be. ---you already said this! Say it in a different way.

I think all readers are going to enjoy this! :-)

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