Hey this is my first post of an essay I wrote so sorry if I did not get the correct format for this forum. Thanks for any advice in advance =D.
While the list of people who deserve recognition for helping me to get to where I am now is virtually endless, each with the possibility of having an essay dedicated to him or her, perhaps the one who had the most unique impact on my life is my younger brother.
Nine years separate us in time; I remember he was first born, he never wished to sleep inside a crib or do traditional "baby things", indeed he skipped the crawl stage in lieu of practicing to stand and later walk. Constantly crying in frustration as his body simply could not mature fast enough for his tastes, this ambition in him would never dim throughout his growth. He constantly strived to be better, playing chess with me at the age of six and being able to hold his own in ping pong against me at the age of 7. This competitive streak in him at first annoyed me and then terrified me. For a person who was too naïve to comprehend the need for law ("why can't everyone just do the right thing?"), he judged himself harshly when it came to his achievements ("My participation ribbon in this year's fun run doesn't count because everyone gets one"). This innocence mixed with endless drive is what defined him.
Now this is what I truly believe allowed me to excel in my high school years. The relentlessness of my brother was contagious; a small amount rubbed off on me and pressured me to succeed. Though I would not realize it at the time, my own internal motivation was drawn from the infinite wellspring of my brother's. Adults often wonder why young people do not strive to build their own future; it is because the future is a hazy horizon which we are all borne incessantly onward anyways, when we are sheltered and provided for, we cannot see the purpose of it and thus we regrettably do not try. I belonged to this mindset and it took the irrational, unending flame of my brother's passion to push me forward regardless.
Perhaps most the most inspiring moment in my relationship to him was after I had learned that I scored highly on one of the many tests that "are important for the future". Amidst the congratulations and laudations, my brother walked up to me, shining-eyed, said "You're so cool, Jeffery" and gave me a hug in the cute ways only little children can. Then, walking away, he said "But I'll be more awesome when I beat every single one of your records, big brother".
And so brother, as I set off into a new chapter of my life, I hope to leave a legacy albeit small, that perhaps even you will find hard to conquer.
Good start. I would suggest trying to dumb this down a little bit and breaking up your thoughts into sentences...For instance, instead of "Nine years separate us in time...", I would simply say, "Given our nine years in age difference, I can remember when he was first born. As an infant, he never wanted to sleep inside his crib or do typical "baby things". For example, he skipped the crawling stage in lieu of practicing to stand and later walk.