Brown University- Ahead of the Stars influence

Hi, please look over this essay and critique it harshly!

Thanks!

Tell us about an intellectual experience, project, class, or book that has influenced or inspired you.

Sitaaron se Aagey (Ahead of the Stars) is one of the most famous poems of Pakistan's national poet, Allama Muhammad Iqbal. This Urdu poem talks about how the earth is not the only place for us to live in. Iqbal mentions that there is a whole world beyond the stars of the sky, and we as falcons have to reach it. When I first read this poem, it gave me new hope that the world is a limitless place for me and that I just have to find my nest.

The first time I heard this poem was when I was ten years old. Back then it had no meaning to me. But the next time I heard it, I had just gotten rejected from Rice University and was feeling very disappointed. Then, I came across the verses "You are falcon, flight is your task/ Before you there are other skies as well." The moment I heard this, I instantly became uplifted. It was as if Destiny sent this verse as a gift to console me.

This poem has inspired me to work harder in my life, to take flight and find the nest perfect for me. It made me realize how having the false notion of one thing being good for me is wrong. I realized beyond the stars there is a universe that is full of myriads of possibilities. And in that myriad of possibilities there is one that is just for me. My life has truly changed because of Iqbal's wise words. I no longer get disappointed with negative events because I know that God has something in store for us. It is just up to each individual's hard work to achieve these things for themselves. To further the verses of this poem I write:

Now I take my flight to find my nest
But beware young falcon
That you fall in the trap of the unblessed
For do not let the false sweet scent affect your flight.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that this essay allows you 500 words? Yours seems a bit shorter than that, so I would suggest elaborating on your interpretations of the direct quotes. Also, your sentences about the "first time you read" and the "first time you heard" this poem seem contradictory at first glance, so I would suggest a little revision there. Overall, a meaningful piece that just necessitates a few stylistic edits.

I agree that the overall idea is nice and apt for the essay.
Though, you could make this more interesting and captivating. For example, why not using a rewording of "The first time I heard this poem was when I was ten years old. Back then it had no meaning to me." as an introduction to make it like a hook, and not to give away immediately what your essay is about?

Also, I realized beyond the stars there is a universe that is full of myriads of possibilities. And in that myriad of possibilities there is one that is just for me. why not elaborate what you think your future or your destiny is? This will make the essay more concrete and tell something about you.

To further the verses of this poem I write: - I don't find this line attractive. You could write sth else, for example "these words have become my anthem" and proceed with them.

I hope I helped and I wish you good luck.
I would appreciate a lottt if you could help me on my essay: