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"i need to get out of this bubble"...MSU undergrad essay

rrayyan6 3 / 8  
Oct 18, 2009   #1
PLEASE all suggestions are helpful!

prompt: Describe the environment you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and how this environment has affected or influenced your plans for the future.

Culture is described as the behaviors, ideas, attitudes, values, and traditions shared by a group of people that have been passed down from one generation to the next. Culture is then divided in to two groups, individualism and collectivism.

In America statistics show that it is an individualistic type of culture, meaning that people focus on the responsibility for themselves, they follow their conscience, and are primarily independent. This is the type of culture that I have observed among my peers in school and at work. However despite that I have lived in America since birth I cannot say that this is the culture I was raised in. You see my parents are both from Jordan and no more than eighteen years ago they came to America in hopes of a better life for themselves and their children. Yet despite my parents' new surroundings of individualism they still remained to their cultural ways of collectivism. As collectivists they focus on the responsibility they have to a group in this case the family, they focus on obedience, and are more interdependent.

Being that my parents brought me up and instilled that type of culture within myself and my siblings I have always found it difficult to find a balance between the expectations of my family and what it is that I expect from myself. For example on nights when I come home from work and have hours of studying ahead of me, my parents would expect I sit down and help my siblings with their homework or help prepare dinner, and when I refuse informing them that I need to study I earn myself the title of being selfish. To my parents my needs come second to what the needs of the family, and because my culture tells me to obey I do what it is that I am told abandoning my personal beliefs and opinions.

It is my family's type of mindset that has encouraged my yearning for a college education. Although I love my culture and my family I feel that I have sacrificed many opportunities in order to meet the requirements of being a good Jordanian girl. College is an opportunity for me to break out of the bubble I have been raised in and to expand my learning and understanding of the world around me, it is a place where I can focus on my needs and form my own opinions and ideas. It is because of Michigan State University's large and diverse campus that attract me to it and give me the feeling that I will be blessed with the opportunity of meeting people from all cultures while still receiving an education that will prepare for my future.
sammiepuddle 5 / 15  
Oct 18, 2009   #2
This is my opinion as a highschool senior, so take it as you will...

A lot of your sentences have passive voice and/or awkward wording. This makes your sentences not very clear and ditractes from your essay.

In America statistics show that it is an individualistic ...
I think you should go sentence by sentence and make sure everything is structured and is grammatically correct. Make sure each sentence is a complete thought that furthers your essay. Be aware of your comma placements too.

However, despite that I have ... You see, my parents are ...
... surroundings of individualism, they still remained to ...
As collectivists, they focus on the responsibility ...
<- this last sentence also makes little sense. perhaps split it into two sentences
... within myself and my siblings, I have always found ...
For example, on nights when ...
To my parents, my needs come second ... tells me to obey, I do what it is that ...

Above I have only added a few needed commas. Once the essay is more clearly written, I think it will answer the prompt very well and reveal a lot about who you are and your background! Good luck!
lrayan6 2 / 6  
Oct 18, 2009   #3
i agree fix some of your sentence sructure and you will be fine because your essay answers the prompt pretty well.
OP rrayyan6 3 / 8  
Oct 18, 2009   #4
its funny i just covered passive voice in my writing class...guess this is why i didn't do so great on the quiz...anyway thanks to both of you you guys really helped.

and good luck to both of you with whatever schools your applying to.

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