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Building a bridge from my visions to my reality - Claremont McKenna Short Essay Question


hus4144 1 / -  
Dec 1, 2015   #1
I'm trying to submit my application to CMC as soon as possible but I am stumped on my short essay. I don't know if I am telling them what they are asking and could really use an outside opinion. I've been going back and forth and I've written this over about three times. My word choice isn't all that advanced because I wanted to write as naturally as possible. Any help is greatly appreciated.

I am really struggling with the last sentence and do not know if it's necessary/works towards my point.

Prompt: What influenced you the most in your decision to apply to CMC? Please limit your response to no more than 200 words.

That burning desire to fuel my passion was so deeply rooted in me. Entering the business field and following my dreams was what I so desperately wanted to do. My visions of my future as a successful entrepreneur needed a bridge to connect it to what was on the other side: my reality. The bridge that can support the weight of my aspirations is offered at Claremont McKenna. With my unchanging plans to major in Business, I have fallen in love with Claremont McKenna. The small classroom size, the open mindedness that fills the campus, and The Center for Innovation and Entrepreneurship, especially, quickly drew me in with their ability to help me achieve my dream: beginning my own business. The immense collection of knowledge that I'd be able to gain from understanding the viewpoints and thoughts of my classmates and professionals in the business field is what I hope for. By being able to provide me with the resources necessary to prosper and achieve my dream career, Claremont McKenna's Center for Innovation and Entrepreneurship is something that I'd like to be a part of in order to fuel my burning passion for the world of business, more specifically entrepreneurship.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Dec 1, 2015   #2
Dustin, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.
As much as you want to write in further detail, the first challenge here is the word count restriction,
200 words is definitely not enough to showcase your influence and the inspiration behind your application.
However, the best way to approach such essay with a very definite number of words, will be to write
in direct and straight forward manner.
You have to be able to incorporate your thoughts and answer the prompt properly and yes, it will help boost your
essay if you have a good strong choice of words that will convey your goal in submitting this application.

So, here's what I suggest;

- That burning desire tothat fueled my passion was so deeply rooted in me. Enteringto conquer the business field and following my dreams was what I so desperately wanted to do.

- My visions ofI envision my future as a successful entrepreneur.
- needed a bridge to connect it to what was on the other side: my reality.( this phrase is unnecessary )
- With my unchanging plansArmed with unwavering desire to major in Business,
- I have fallen in lovewill work hand in hand with Claremont McKenna.
- and The Center for Innovation and Entrepreneurship, especially, quickly drew me
- in, with their ability to helpassist me achieve my dream:( this punctuation mark is unnecessary)
- beginningto start my own business.
- The immense collection of knowledge that I'd be able to gainwill acquire from
- the business field is what I hopewill work for.
- ByB eing able to provide me with
- is somethingthe Institution that I'd like to be a part of in order to fuel my burning passion for the world of business, more specificallyand entrepreneurship.

There you have it Dustin, I took the liberty to modify, delete unnecessary words and characters in you essay in order to maximize you word count with the needed words that will strengthen your essay.

I hope I was able to help.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 1, 2015   #3
This is some impressive feedback from justivy. I'll share a few thoughts, too. Usually, it is a great practice to eliminate modifiers (adjectives and especially adverbs). In your first sentence you have modifiers I would be inclined to delete. But as I continue reading, the next few sentences achieve some kind of great rhythm and the modifiers seem to add intensity in an unusual way. I like your writing style. Despite that, I think some time you should look at what Strunk and White have to say about limiting the use of modifiers. You might improve your writing a lot if you experiment with avoiding them.

Also, your last sentence says passion, the same as the first sentence. I think it over-emphasizes the *claim* that you have passion for entrepreneurship. Here is my best suggestion: add a sentence about a business you have already experimented with starting. Any endeavor will suffice. The point is to show that you are truly driven -- and if you are truly driven you will already be trying to plan an entrepreneurial project. If you mention one, the reader will conclude for herself that you really are especially driven and deserve an opportunity.


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