Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 2

Being bullied - Story for common app essay- prompt 7

quanhquanh 1 / -  
Aug 21, 2019   #1
This is my essay for my common application prompt 7:Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design. Thank you in advanced for helping me

I was bullied.

Growing up, I have a tremendous passion for ballet. When I was three, I started dancing, I love to sink into the music, feel every beat and dance. Instead of watching Disney princesses, I watched ballet performances and it always brings me to the absolute thrill when the dancers stand on their toes, finish a Fouetté. My dream as a kid was to become an excellent ballet dancer and I trained extremely assiduous for it.

When I was ten, I pass the test to the elite class where I was the youngest in class. Being in a strange class, I assumed I fit in rather easily as I had made exceptional friends and others were friendly too. Until one day, I remember it was a normal Wednesday, the class was on a break and there is this group of girls approached me. Since they were kind of the "famous kids" in the class and only talk to people within their group, I did not talk to them much. As a new girl, of course, I wish to befriend to them so I answered yes when they asked if I would enjoy a game. The girls started playing the simple rock, paper, scissor game but when one lost, that person has to unbuttoned one button of their shirt. Every time I win, they come up with a reason to not admit it. Taken over by horror knowing what would happen if I lost, I took off though they wouldn't let me leave, they forced me to finish the game knowing I would lose. When the last round finishes and ended up as I'm the loser, all of them surrounded, mocked and forced me to undress my shirt in public. Luckily at that time, I was able to run away.

My life from that moment was turned into hell. Every time I went to ballet class, they surrounded me, tried to disrobe my shirt and if they could not, they would hit me vigorously, screaming so that everyone knew that I was bullied. While being threatened not to tell our teacher or they would hit harder, honestly, I would be too terrified to go for it anyway. Gradually, ballet grew into a nightmare to my life, I hate ballet, I hate the music that I danced to, I hate everything that related to ballet. Soon, I told my parents that I would leave ballet, that I would not prefer it to become a part of my life anymore, then I barely even go to class anymore. For countless nights before I sleep, I cried. Telling my parents was not the choice for me as they worked exceedingly diligent to earn money to raise my sister and me, I did not need to bother them with all of that "nonsense". At that point, I could not dance, I could not finish a spin, stand on my toes anymore. Every time I attempted to practice my dancing, I fell seeing my head was full of the vivid vision of being physically abused and moreover, no one was there for me.

After a few months, my ballet teacher called and told my parents that I would have no choice but to leave the elite class if I keep on skipping class. Instantly, my world collapsed whereas deep down inside, I still had that burning fire for ballet, I crave to be a part of that beautiful art and they were all swallowed by my fear of being assaulted again. Aching to stand on my toes again, to feel the presence of the music around, to dance with all my heart again, I know I would oblige to fight for what I love. Eventually, I came to class. This time just like any other time, they approached me, I was petrified and I was about to run away until I saw one of my friends at the back of the class dancing. As I told myself I would fake it until I become it, I took a deep breath and look at them straight into their eyes. The girls startled a little but they quickly hide it and talk in a threatening tone about how dare I showed up at class. Loud and clear, I told them that I would not give up ballet just for them, I told them to back off, that they were just a bunch of bullies, that I was no longer afraid of them and that I would take this to the teacher if they ever browbeat anyone again. Stepped back right away, the girls stuttered and despite not actually contrite for what they did, they apologized anyway.

After that, I kept on following my passion for ballet even after I found out my dream was to work in the hospitality industry. Those bullies never have the courage to approach again, and they were kicked out of class a long time after due to their inferior behaviors. For me, I never regret what happen even about agreed to be a part of the game since that's what I call for at that time and that has helped me to find my strength, to stand up to what I love and believe in.

hcpsleeil 1 / 5 1  
Aug 25, 2019   #2
Hi! Welcom to the forum! I hope this feedback can help you on your endeavours.

First, be careful of run on sentences. You seem to have many run on sentences like "When I was three, I started ..." and " Until one day, I remember ..." These are just a few. Don't be scared to use a period though your sentences will be shorter. Or, you could try to spice up your sentence structrure through dependent clauses, but I quite like the simplistic nature of the writing style of this essay. Additionally, don't try to force fancy words. "... extremely assiduous for it." <- I don't really think this flows that well, and the part of speech is incorrect, and like I said before, I enjoy the simplistic writing style.

Though there is nothing wrong with this topic itself, I feel that the "reflection" or "growth" part is lackluster. You spend a lot of time explaining this horrible situation you in, and then all of a sudden you decided to stand up for yourself. Since this a commonapp essay, you should focus on showing who you are. Don't loose focus by elaborating too much on your circumstance though it is an important element of your essay.

Home / Undergraduate / Being bullied - Story for common app essay- prompt 7