Tell us your biggest fear (this is the prompt). To being bullied

I know the prompt is way too broad. But I'd like to describe a fear that I had in the past, and how I changed, etc.

Please help me with this and some guidance to perfect this. Thank you so much!

I found my galaxy

There were great gusts of cold air blowing in as I walked under a curtain of darkness that draped the sky, starless. I could not focus.

A single soul used to exist inside me. 2017 was a defining year to remember. Upon my optimistic vision about a new life, however, something happened in a way that I had not expected.

I was bullied by a group of "friends" I spent my summer looking forward to meeting. I stood alone, looking at each of them slowly coming at me, then spit out an insult. I would ask them why, but they never answered. Everyday weighed upon me like a battle, and I was the only one who kept fighting. Mentally and physically, I was exhausted. I reached out for help from friends and even teachers. I felt like I was standing in the dark, but no one voluntarily pulled me out in the light. I was overwhelmed by a feeling of helplessness that resided in me, started to grow, and encompassed me entirely.

When I was seven, I saw a smaller girl than I stood in the sun for many hours asking for money, hands in hands with her little brother. When I was twelve, I saw my mom on the phone, crying. After that

I knew my grandma was hospitalized. She was a woman of struggle, who used to be very healthy just like yesterday, who now developed severe lung disease and was gasping for life. I could not help but resentful of my oblivion and helplessness. I saw my mom break down for the first time, except for the couraging words, I could not do anything else. The feeling of helplessness, I feared it. It did not go away but haunted me like a ghost.

She passed away. I had not properly said goodbye. I refused to let go of my grandmother, to accept the death I had not seen coming. I did not cry; I wanted to be the strong one, to be the one whom my mom could seek comfort and solace. A lot of things were racing through my mind. I lived in despair and neglected my beloved ones; I did not realize how much I had lost. Deep regrets and resentment with myself led me to the realization that later granted me freedom. I did not want to dwell on the past, to live a life directed by the others. I did not want to live in despair or regret. I did not want the feeling of helplessness to trap me in the world of the impossible. Therefore, I needed to take action.

I started to take defense for myself, criticized those who bullied me, and the bystanders' apathy. It was a long time, and I was still the only one who kept fighting in the battle. I got my first win! From the desperate efforts to the determined goals, the bullied were kept in detention. I got my very first friends who could not stand such blindness resurfacing but stood up for me. I started to open up; it took me a long time to relieve the pain of loss. From my grandmother, I collected the memory of her life, her optimism, and her kindness. I collected her years of agony and suffering, years of never giving up. From my grandmother, I learned about life, to cherish every moment, and to beat the fear of helplessness.

Even under the expanse of darkness, I found my galaxy in which every aspect of me shines like a star. I, too, deserve the night sky.

Again, the fear needs to be something you hope to prevent. I don't think you understand that requirement of the prompt. It is not about your fears for your future. Not something you have overcome. You know how I asked you to change the essay in the previous thread. You did not listen. You still did what you wanted, even though it does not apply to the prompt. I do not see how you can expect me to help you when you have made the same mistakes yet again. It is about preventing a fear from happening in the future. Not about how you overcame a past fear. You are applying to college. An unknown time in your life. What are your fears about that chapter? A discussion of a topic from that "Fear" would be more relevant than this very long essay that you have written about your past fear.

As Holt mentioned earlier, I think this essay focused more on overcoming previous conflicts rather than describing the biggest fear you currently have. If the prompt is "tell us you biggest fear," I doubt you will be required to put together a conclusion that describes how you solved it. Focus more on the fear itself and not as much as the story of courage to surpass it, because that will make it seem like you already let go of that fear and moved on.

If you decide to stick with the current path of your essay anyway, just make sure to complete the missing sentence at around paragraph 4: "After that,"

Hope that helps!