please give me feedbacks for the essay
In eighth grade, under the influence of my friend, I enrolled in my school debate club. Unknown to me at the time, joining the debate club was the most impactful decision I ever made in my life till now. + changes
I've always had an attention-seeking tendency due to a lack of attention from my parents in early childhood. So, I had created a habit of following my older sister's interests and habits in order to please my parents, as I deemed my older sister to be more admirable. She was deep into Korean pop in 2010, and I remember tagging along and listening to it alongside her, having a minimal understanding of what it was.
However, as I grew older, this early childhood habit of following my older sister stuck with me and transformed into following my peers blindly. I used to constantly change my personality, taste, and interests according to the friends I had. If I were to spend time with someone who is athletic, I would make an effort to become sports-oriented as well.
For most of my early adolescence, I could be referred to as a social chameleon. I became a person filled to the brim with others interests and hobbies but none of my own.
Similarly, I followed one of my friends into joining the debate club at our school. Initially, I had no interest in debating, but once I started participating in debate competitions, I realised the love I had for speaking. I had to not only speak but speak impactfully enough to persuade and convince the judges to believe that my side of the argument made more sense. Whenever I debated, the adrenaline rush I felt trying to persuade the judge could not be compared to anything else. For the first time in my life, I felt as if something truly belonged to me. The excitement, the rush, the enjoyments, and the laughter-for the first time, I was not imitating those of others.
I continued participating in various inter- and intra-competitions. I even reached the semi-finals of the regional World's Scholars Cup, an international debate competition. This was an achievement of which I was very proud, so I mustered up my courage and went up to my parents and showed it to them.
"You must have worked hard" was all it took for my parents to say for me to break down crying. After years of trying to impress my parents by following others, I finally received recognition when I started being true to myself, which felt like a warm embrace. I came to the realisation that it was enough for me to just be me; it was not necessary to become others.
After that, I followed my passion for debate, which branched out into my other interests. I started to organise debate competitions in school. I coordinated with teams to organise various school events, such as Model United Nations, teachers' days, and farewells.While organising such events,I worked on scheduling performances, solving ongoing issues to ensure a smooth-flowing program, and even scripting and executing the programs.
By the end of 10th grade, I realised I enjoyed managing events, communicating, collaborating, and administering teams. These were the traits that I had and enjoyed, and I only came to realise this after I started my journey of debating.
So, when I had to choose what subject I wanted to study for high school, I chose business studies because it aligned with my interests. During high school, I collaborated with my classmates on projects such as marketing a bag to the whole class or presenting an analysis of why the said business failed. Investing my creativity and analysing skills in such projects further motivated me to pursue business because I was productive doing so.
As of right now, I have decided to pursue Business Administration for a bachelor's degree as I enjoyed it during my high-school.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,844 
4783 You need to bring the focus to your passion for debate sooner in the presentation. Do not bore the reviewer with the backstory of your interest. That portion is too long and often shows up in the essay, diverting the interest from your actual realisations and accomplishments. The last part of the essay, the last paragraph specifically, totally disconnects from the previous presentation. You do not need to discuss that aspect in this essay. You need to instead, close the essay with a growing passion for debate. You can indicate that you look forward to representing the university by joining the debate team or starting a debate team if they do not have one. Keep the focus on debate, that is the main topic for this essay.
