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BUSINESS IS MY PASSION; Carnegie Mellon/ Why major?


damo 9 / 36  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Carnegie Mellon encompasses everything that I desire in a university. The Tepper School of Business is one of the most elite business schools on the globe. With business as my passion, having a university with an outstanding business program, and school, is a necessity. As a sociable person, I thrive being around crowds of people. However in the classroom I desire a much smaller setting. CMU, with its average class size being around thirty-four students, is the perfect size for me.

At CMU there is never a shortage of things to learn about or of things to do. In my readings, I uncovered the tradition of painting the fence. At first I felt the sorrow of the students when they filled in the ravine separating the two schools, but when I heard about the new tradition of painting the fence, I became overcome with joy to only hope that one day, I too, could contribute to the masterpiece.

CMU is the frontrunner for technology at a collegiate level. CMU was the very first school to think of having campus-wide internet available to all of its students when they developed Wireless Andrew, the first, and still the largest, university wireless internet system. This was an extremely amazing step into the future. In addition, all of CMU seems to be technology oriented. All campus communication is through the internet. CMU is obviously looking to be ahead of the game and partake in the ways of the tomorrow's future today.

Pittsburgh, a tremendously electrifying city, is only minutes away from CMU. In turn, this means an unlimited mass of thrilling things to do and enlivening places to go. I wouldn't need to own a vehicle, because everything is practically in walking distance. Moreover, I wouldn't be afraid to walk to the city, due to the low crime rate, and because the security around the school is extraordinary. If it comes to the point where I don't want to walk, then I have the luxury of having the ability to utilize the public transport for free with my CMU ID card.

As for my interest in business, it was sparked at quite an early age. I was five years old, and the fourth of July had come around yet again. My father had been running the family restaurant since the crack of dawn, selling breakfast to famished customers with a speed similar to that of a cheetah on the hunt. As the day drew to a close, my family had all gathered in the restaurant for dinner. When I ran into the building to give my "daddy" a big bear hug, I caught him assessing the day's receipts. When I saw the mound of money, I exclaimed, "Wow daddy! Where did all of that money come from?" He retorted "Son, if you listen closely and learn from me, one day you can have ten times as much." Not a week later I had created handmade bookmarks, and had set up shop at the entrance to the restaurant. This was my initial day in business. I made eight dollars on that historic day, and became determined that I would be in business for the rest of my life. To this day, that attitude has remained with me, hence my interest in the academic field of business.

I have numerous goals in my life that I intend on reaching. This past year has been rough for my family, to say the least. The economy has forced my father into bankruptcy, and many of our family businesses into foreclosure. One of my goals in life is to become successful enough that I will not ever have to worry about my finances. I want to retire at an early age, and use the money from my still prospering businesses to help as many people in the world as I possibly can. I would like to help, not only the starving and uneducated children in Africa, but also, the children here in America. I want to be able to extend a helping hand to those families that are going through the same problems that my family is going through to this day. I know that by attending Carnegie Mellon that I will receive the tools that I need to sculpt my life from a block of clay into the gleaming statue of my goals.

Other schools/programs that I am applying to: Babson College, Bates College, Boston College, Bowdoin College, Brandeis University, Brown University, California Institute of Technology, College of William and Mary, Cornell University, Dartmouth College, Emory University, Florida Atlantic University, Harvard College, New York University, Princeton University, University of Florida, University of Miami, University of Pennsylvania, University of Virginia, Wesleyan University, Williams College, and Yale University.

do you think i should list all of my colleges? i know they asked me too but it shows how broadly Im applying?

please help, i will reciprocate :]
Affe - / 1  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
Just a note. When CMU app says "please mention each college or program you are applying to." I believe they are talking about the colleges and programs in CMU, not other colleges. For instance: Carnegie Institute of Technology, College of Fine Arts, College of Humanities and Social Science, School of Computer Science, etc.
OP damo 9 / 36  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
hahah well that would make much more sense. Thanks that solved one problem. What did you think of the essay?
shannon92 15 / 74  
Dec 30, 2009   #4
...You're seriously applying to over twenty colleges? How do you have time for that??

-don't use the word PASSION. Colleges hate it- everyone is passionate, find a new word

As for my interest in business, it was sparked at quite an early age.
-this sentence is awkward, i would consider revising

I know that by attending Carnegie Mellon (take out THAT) I will receive the tools that I need to sculpt my life from a block of clay into the gleaming statue of my goals.

-concluding sentence is a tad cheesy

overall, very good job! cute story/good answering the prompt (but it doesnt ask for your list of schools btw...)
OP damo 9 / 36  
Dec 30, 2009   #5
yea its an insane process, ive spent like all winter break writing essays.

thanks for your comments and ya i realize that now, i thought thats what it meant rather than that i want to go to tepper college inside of carnegie mellon.
maochinesechick 3 / 4  
Dec 30, 2009   #6
Your essay answers the prompt quite nicely. I'm trying to answer this same prompt and drawing a complete blank.
I think your first sentence should be more of an attention grabber. Also the part about how Carnegie Mellon is the fortrunner of technology - try to tie this in with your business interests.

Otherwise, great essay!
OP damo 9 / 36  
Dec 30, 2009   #7
thanks Wendy, i will try to fit that in there.

what i did was I wrote down everything about CMU that were reasons why I applied and then organized an outline.

let me know when you put yours up so I can take a peek.

please comment on my others if you have time too thanks :]
bluemenon 2 / 8  
Dec 30, 2009   #8
One thing I know is that colleges don't really like to hear about all the amazing things you WANT to do (helping kids and stuff) but rather the all the amazing things that you HAVE done. trust me, i learnt that the hard way. Best of luck!!
OP damo 9 / 36  
Dec 30, 2009   #9
bluemenon, thanks for commenting

that does make sense, but also the prompt wanted to know about my goals so I threw that in there. My main commonapp essay has my major goals in it so they will get a nice dose of that as well

thanks again :]

please comment my others if you have time
OP damo 9 / 36  
Dec 30, 2009   #10
any other suggestions?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 10, 2010   #11
CMU, with its average class size being around thirty-four students, is the perfect size for me. ----I don't think you should be talking about class size in this first paragraph. End the first para with an expression of your main theme, the biggest idea you want the reader to remember.

I have numerous goals in my life that I intend on reaching. ----I think this is a weak sentence, because a goal is always something you intend to reach. You could replace this sentence and use the last paragraph to reflect some more on the main point from your intro paragraph.

Thanks for all the help you have been giving here at EF. I see you participating in a lot of threads.

:-)
OP damo 9 / 36  
Jan 13, 2010   #12
Glad to help Kevin :]


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