"Business & Political Economy + Global network" - NYU Supplement Essays

Hello guys, I'm applying to NYU with RD, aiming Stern College. Here are my two supplements, each of which need to be less or equal to 250 words according to the requirement.

Any criticism or suggestion will be very appreciated!! Thank you!
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Prompt 1: Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.

NYU is a well-rounded university, particularly strong in business and management. I'm therefore consequentially attracted by Stern Undergraduate College and the programs it provides. Because of the business my family runs, I was introduced to the world of business since I was young. After I figured out the fundamental arithmetic operations, assisting my mom with the quarter-end closing eventually became my first business experience as well as my first summer job. Spending my leisure to read relevant books on business management and biographies of successful entrepreneurs also inspired me. The stories of Gordon Moore and Steven Jobs together with The Predictably Irrational delineate an intricate and competitive business world for me. Besides continuing to help my parents with their annual closings in the summer and to read in my free time, my interest in business and economics further sprouts when I start taking AP Economics this year, through which I have a chance to systematically learn the basic knowledge that construct the business world. Since my focus in college will be international trading and business management, I'm especially interested in the Business & Political Economy program provided by Stern College. I believe that I can establish a strong scientific foundation for my future studies while fully taking advantage of the opportunities in NYU.

Prompt 2: NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

NYU's global network campus encompasses the sole theme of variety and provides a perfect stage for me. As an international student, I've been striving to connect and compare the American culture with my own, enriching myself through experiencing various unfamiliarities.

I'm therefore inevitably attracted by NYU's worldwide network and Global Study programs. By studying in New York City, Abu Dhadi, or one of NYU's global sites, I will develop a deeper and more comprehensive understanding of the business and economic landscapes around the world, and be equipped with the skills and perspective necessary to fit in a globalized society. Moreover, business is never a subject that is full of rigid dogmas. It's dynamic, transnational, and flexible. A great thing about NYU and its programs, especially the Business & Political Economy program, is that exploring the variety of the business world is encouraged. Students are encouraged to take part in various activities, participate in various courses, and study in various countries. Such cross-cultural studying in NYU will not only convert me to an open-minded and outgoing future business leader but also equip me to deal with people from different backgrounds and to adjust myself in unfamiliar environments. I believe that by being a member of NYU, I'll become a better fit for both my career after college and the global community.

In your first essay, your use of the word "consequentially" has a negative connotation and it seems like you picked the college only because NYU is "well-rounded." Going off of that, your first sentence is rather generic and doesn't add anything to your essay; i.e. you could replace it with any college that is "well-rounded." I actually think the sentence that begins with "Because of the business my family runs...." is much stronger, so try starting your essay with that instead. The rest of your essay is very detailed and it is clear what your interests are, so now try to tie them back in with your interests in attending NYU. One last nitpick, on your last sentence of the first essay, don't use the word "believe" since it weakens your conviction. Try to reword it somehow.

As with the first essay, your first and last sentences are weak. They know what the global theme is. What they really want to know is how it applies to you, and what it means to you. Try to avoid telling them things they already know. And again, avoid the word "believe." Much of your second essay is telling them things they already know such as what they provide. They want to know what it means to you. Make it more personal. It seems somewhat distant and not really focusing on you as an applicant. The only reference to yourself at NYU is in your last two sentences.

Overall, I think your essays are well-written, but way too generic. Give them some personality, show the admissions officers who you are. Don't be afraid to express yourself!

Anyways, I hope this helped and good luck with your future endeavors.

Greg

I agree with Chanman. The essays themselves are well writing, but the overall topics feel generic.

Minor tweaks with sentence structure (just my personal taste) and fixing some sentences, as well as the topic and you should be set.

Also, the NYU character limit is 500. I'm gauging your essays to well over 1200 characters, so you really need to cutback on what you have written. Make everything succinct and clear, as the input box only takes 500 characters. Although i could be mistaken if Stern has a different requirement.

(I'm applying to NYU too, but not to Stern. Good luck!!

thank you guys so much! your comments really help

It's Abu DhaBi, not Dhadi.
Also, the maximum is not 250 words, it's 500 characters :D

huh thx, that's a dumb mistake

oite thank you guys