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'I came to the United States from Taipei, Taiwan' significant experience- Common App


jerrytherock31 6 / 14  
Dec 13, 2011   #1
hey please help me edit this essay! (the bold words are the ones that i need help on the most) but also any help would be awesome! thanks!

Please write an essay (250-500 words) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

In 2001, my mother, my older brother, and I came to the United States from Taipei, Taiwan, not knowing any English. Before taking off on a twenty-one hour fight, I had a difficult decision to make: whether to leave seven years of my childhood life behind and follow my family to the United States or to stay in Taiwan with my grandparents; I took the difficult route by leaving my childhood memories behind. With only two small suitcases full of childhood memories, such as my favorite pillowcase with a green cartoon frog smiling back at me when I lay my head down, I was off. (I feel like this sentence needs work but idk how to fix it..HELP!) On the way to the airport, my heart was pumping faster than the engine of the yellow taxi. I kept on wondering if I had left behind anything that was important. With the thought of a new life just twenty-one hours away, I was intrigued; I wondered what it would be like to live in America and how I would master the new language of English. (needs to reword???) As I boarded the plane, leaving the unbearable heat of a hundred degrees, I stared out the dirty window; I saw my childhood memories flashed before my eyes as the plane few passed my house. My brother and I left our old lives behind; we were excited to see the new world ahead of us. On the longest flight of our lives, we sat in the soft seats in the coach section and chose our American names from popular television shows; I selected "Jerry" from Tom and Jerry and my brother, XXX, selected "Kevin" from the movie Home Alone. We needed nicknames that were easier to say in America. When we arrived in the United States, we saw a snowy, frigid runway in Chicago. The culture I left was as different from the United States as the weather was that day. I was clueless about everything from reading signs to understanding the flight attendant's instructions. Maybe it was good that I was only seven years old because I did not have any expectations. It was a long, difficult journey, but I eventually mastered the new language and made a smooth transition into my new life in America.

carolynah92 3 / 13  
Dec 13, 2011   #2
Wow, that must have been hard. Your use of detail was great. I could picture everything. I think an essay about how you assimilated would be cool too. There are some grammatical issues though. I tried to reword some things. Try to vary your vocabulary a little.

*I took the difficult route by leaving my old life behind.
*I had to stuff my childhood memories into two small suitcases. I made sure I brought my favorite pillowcase. Whenever I lay my head down, that green cartoon frog was smiling back at me.

*I wondered what living in America would be like and how I would master a brand new language.
*I saw the childhood memories flash before my eyes.
*I was intrigued at the thought of having a whole new life.
I love how you guys chose your names! haha great show and movie
Your topic is much more meaningful than mine. Good luck!
OP jerrytherock31 6 / 14  
Dec 13, 2011   #3
THANK YOU SO MUCH! YOU ARE AWESOME! your advice are awesome! thanks!
collegesearcher 3 / 20  
Dec 14, 2011   #4
In 2001, my mother, my older brother, and I came to the United States from Taipei, Taiwan, not knowing any English. n 2001, my mother, my older brother, and I came to the United States from Taipei, Taiwan, with barely any knowledge of the English Language.

With only two small suitcases full of childhood memories, such as my favorite pillowcase with a green cartoon frog smiling back at me when I lay my head down, I was off. With only two small suitcases full of childhood memories (such as my favorite pillowcase with a green frog which smiled back at me whenever I lay my head on it) I was offI personally think parentheses give the essay a more personal touch, and this solves your structural problem too!

I wondered what it would be like to live in America and how I would master the new language of English. I wondered what it would be like to live in America and to master a totally new language.

The culture I left was as different from the United States as the weather was that day. The culture I left was as different from the United States as the weather was that day

You might try to make the end a little more effective as it seems to go too abruptly.

Really vivid and well-written essay though! Good luck :)
leviator 7 / 39  
Dec 14, 2011   #5
I stared out of the dirty window, watching my childhood memories flash before my eyes as the plane passed my house.

I think you should end it with one more sentence. Talk about how you feel now in a little more detail.
Good luck :)
Alicegz 2 / 25  
Dec 17, 2011   #6
I love your topic because I had to make that same difficult decision when I was 9:) My ride on the way to the airport was bittersweet and I still remember it clearly as well! I picked my name from Alice in Wonderland...haha

Since your word count is under 400 right now, I would suggest adding more on how your life is right now instead of ending it abruptly. You should talk more about how moving to the US has impacted you. Has it changed your views on accepting change or something like that?

Good luck and it would be great if you could look at my essay:)
lumberjack23 - / 2  
Dec 17, 2011   #7
Forgive me for my digression, but is it true that Taipei is actually republic of china?


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