Please critique my first draft
1. Why NYU New York campus
It is the gateway to all of the cultures, lifestyles, and peoples of the world. Unofficially called the "Capital of the World" the city of New York stands as one of the greatest in the history of mankind. The city of New York enhances the NYU experience by providing students with potential internships, and careers in some of the most prestige companies in the world. For a history enthusiast the city of New York provides abundant tools to explore the world of history with the many excellent museums present in the city, and its historic ethnic neighborhoods which provide one with view into the past. Thus, the City of New York would combine with NYU in order to provide an ultimate real world experience.
I will upload the other question later
You could have written that without even opening an NYU brochure. You need to give some information about the school and not just the city. Else it could be argued that you are only applying there because you want to go to school in the city. How will NYU allow you to take advantage mention specific programs not just the vague "programs."
This is a well written essay but you should elaborate more on why you want to go to NYU, not new york and talk more about why NYU needs you
It is the gateway to all of the cultures, lifestyles, and peoples of the world. Unofficially called the "Capital of the World" the city of New York stands as one of the greatest in the history of mankind. For a history enthuasist the city of New York would be complementary to the learning experience of NYU. Studying in a city that is full of exemplary libraries, archives, museums, and historical neighborhoods is sure to enrich one's education. The opportunity to engage in the distinguished History program of the New York Campus, and in the editing process of the "Historian" is fascinating.
how about this revised version, I need the help with the ending though
For the revised version, I still think you should mention how it could help you as a student. Also you have 700 characters, not a lot. So take advantage of every single space you have!
Read mine? Also doing NYU! :)
more on how YOU are going to make use of such a great city and less on general reasons why its a good city
Revised version again
It is the gateway to all of the cultures, lifestyles, and peoples of the world. Unofficially called the "Capital of the World" the city of New York stands as one of the greatest in the history of mankind. If presented with the opportunity to attend the NYC campus of NYU I would be exposed to a boundless amount of opportunities. With history being one of my favorite academic fields, I would be able to work on famous journal "Historian" in the classroom, and then go out to the city in order to explore the many museums, libraries, and archives New York has to provide. Due to the many academic interests I posses I would also benefit from the large selection of academic fields present in NYC campus.
You need to make your response pertinent to your own life. This says nothing about you. Consider relating it to your experiences/what you want to accomplish at NYU.
