"Captain Janeway" - about a fictional character who has influenced me

Hi this is going to be my topic of choice essay for the Common app, I'm applying to Dartmouth and Yale so I really want this to be perfect. Anything that is in bold means that I know it sucks and I really need help. Thank you so much!

As an athlete with Varsity letters in two different sports I am proud to admit that I am a shame to jocks everywhere. While my teammates have posters of Candace Parker or other players they aspire to play like, the one that hangs on my door is of Kathryn Janeway, a woman I aspire to be like.

Kathryn Janeway is the only lead female captain in the Star Trek series and brings a whole new meaning to going "boldly where no man has gone before". Stranded 70,000 light-years from Earth in the unexplored Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way Galaxy it is Captain Janeway's personal mission to return her crew home safely. Although the journey is expected to take 75 years, the USS Voyager returns to Earth after just seven owing to Janeway's ingenuity, determination, and outstanding leadership abilities. Captain Janeway possesses many illustrious qualities that make her one of the most outstanding captains in the Star Trek franchise, but the ones I admire the most are her boundless curiosity and confidence when presented with a challenge. Star Trek is the only show that I can think of that does not portray the scientists and intelligent characters as socially-inept weirdoes. Even if she is just a character, watching Captain Janeway navigate through the depths of space makes me even more excited about science, a subject I already love with all my heart. By seeing such a strong character as Captain Janeway get excited at the prospect of a scientific discovery I genuinely feel more confident in being my inquisitive and quirky self. The first year or so of high school I was terrified of what everyone thought of me. By attending a second high school in Kalamazoo for math and science I was already labeled as one of 'those people', and blending in just seemed easier than not fitting in at all. As time progressed I found friends at my new school in Kalamazoo who were just like me, and became more confident with who I really am: a dedicated basketball player who gets excited over RNA polymerase and can recite trivia about almost every subject. Even though I'm pretty sure I won't have to battle the Borg anytime soon, it was by watching Captain Janeway handle conflicts with alien species that I understand that wit and intelligence are more important than who has bigger photon torpedoes. Something I try to keep in mind when I lift weights with the football players.

Please consider the following revisions:

I am a shame to jocks everywhere. Unlike my (basketball?) and (Varsity Sport #2) teammates, whose bedroom walls feature posters of Candace Parker or any number of professional athletes they aspire to be, the poster that hangs on my door of my room stars no one other than Kathryn Janeway, the only female captain in the Star Trek series. With the many illustrious qualities that she demonstrates as Captain of the USS Voyager, Captain Janeway is someone I aspire to be.

Owing to her ingenuity, determination, and outstanding leadership qualities, Janeway is miraculously able to transport her stranded USS Voyager crew 70,000 light-years from the unexplored Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way Galaxy to the safety of planet Earth, a feat that she is able to accomplish in a mere seven days.

But these qualities pale next to the boundless curiosity and confidence that she demonstrates whenever she is presented with a challenge. By seeing such a strong character as Captain Janeway get excited at the prospect of a scientific discovery as she navigates through the depths of space makes me even more excited about science, a subject I already love with all my heart. And because of it, I genuinely feel more confident in being my inquisitive and quirky self.

During my first year of high school, I was terrified of what everyone thought of me. By attending a second high school in Kalamazoo for math and science, I was already labeled as one of 'those people,' and blending in just seemed easier than not fitting in at all. But as time progressed, I found friends at my new school in Kalamazoo who were just like me, and I became more confident with who I really am: a dedicated basketball player who gets excited over RNA polymerase and can recite trivia about almost every subject. Even though I'm pretty sure I won't have to battle the Borg any time soon, it was by watching Captain Janeway handle conflicts with alien species that I understand that wit and intelligence are more important than who has bigger photon torpedoes. (Something I try to keep in mind when I lift weights with the football players.)

I felt that your last paragraph was the strongest. Colleges will want to see personal tie-ins to show how this character has influenced you. My suggestion for you now is to come up with a short narrative or series of examples about how Captain Janeway has made you more of a leader or more determined (to supplement the second paragraph). Otherwise, I very much enjoyed your essay! Good luck! AND PLEASE PROVIDE FEEDBACK FOR MY ESSAY!