I am not involved in every club in my school
no need to say that. it's written in your resume
I have great passion in soccer team I participate in.
this is a much direct start
Being the captain for my school's soccer team for two years,
having been (or are you still?)
I have had the opportunity
if you are still cap, then had
The team members included students from 7th Grade to 12th Grade.
Since the team includes students of various age, ranging from..., it was very hard to unite the team
; however, in my role as captain,
In my role as captain, however,
had to encourage
encouraged. had to makes you sound obliged
have the same goal
aim for the same goal
Every time when the team went out for competitions
the team competed, or participated in competitions
Every time when the team went out for competitions, I had the most important responsibility. I had to encourage my team and make sure that everyone was concentrating on the game.
you just said that two sentences ago
Because I didn't want to lose, I would sometimes yell at the members for the mistakes they make, but also compliment them for the nice plays they create.
... i really don't know if the admin will take this positively
The team was becoming stronger and indomitable as I trusted everyone in the team.
trust? where does this come from?
i like your beginning. it was focused and you explained why you had such a responsibility. but the second part...simply repeated the first part. was that all you did? encourage the people? if so, then talk about how you encouraged them. SAY during practices, I mixed middle-school athletes with highschool players so that they could get used to each other. Despite some conflicts aroused by the difference in age, the team slowly became more united under my leadership. In competitions...