"a career that challenges and sharpens my skill set" - The Ohio State University

Alright so I could just use some advice because I feel like my essay is lacking some meat, maybe it is, maybe it isn't....Let me know.

The Question is: In 300 words or less, why are you considering The Ohio State University?

Three locations: Peoria, Illinois, Menominee, Michigan, and Milan, Italy. My father's career began with an undergraduate degree in chemical engineering from The OSU and progressed through the three places where I grew up. My dad's experience at The Ohio State University continues to permeate his life; as his legacy, I have great expectations for my experience in Columbus, Ohio on the OSU campus.

It could be the bookstore or that perfect bench next to that perfect campus tree. Some evaluate universities based on what it offers them, but in my perspective, it should rely on what I bring to it. I will bring international experience, leadership skills, an open mind, and respect for my environment. My drive and personality will complement the OSU O-H-I-O spirit, tradition, and academic vigor.

Always competitive, I am interested in a career that challenges and sharpens my skill set. Business marketing is a fast paced, energizing field. I would thoroughly enjoy the prospect of related travel, maintaining the life and experiences I have accumulated to now. Ohio State has an excellent reputation and was an important milestone in my father's career. OSU is not only family tradition as my father's parents, siblings, and several of my cousins have attended the university, but will support the success of my life-time goals of.

With such a large undergraduate student body, I understand OSU Admission has many applicants to consider, and I would be grateful if you considered my candidacy.

This is what I would do:
Three locations: Illinois, Michigan, and Milan, Italy.-- this is easier for the reader to grasp and makes a more powerful impact on the mind. It also eliminates the need for those semi-colons.

That first paragraph definitely needs one more sentence! It neds a sentence added to the end. It has to be a sentence that expresses your main idea.

Always competitive, I am interested in a career that challenges and sharpens my skill set. --- I think you should write something more interesting. I think you want something more than just a career that improves your skills. All careers do that. Tell about what is important to you and why. Tell about your plan!

:-)

Thanks both of you, i think i am just going to start from scratch and rewrite it. I can see how banal it really is.

It's not banal, just inefficient. Something that honors one's mother or father will never be banal. However, I blieve that all that you say in this essay could be expressed on one paragraphs. Pack this essay full of meaning. Talk about your specific plans for the future, near and far.


--- It is nice that you show understanding for the reader. This is polite and thoughtful. yet, it is important to establish a main theme in the intro and then talk about it again in the conclusion paragraph. The most important thing is to tell them your plans, your well-defined plans.