Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know.
I would really like to know what you think. Thanks for your help!
If you had asked me last year where I would be in the fall of 2009, I would have told you that I would be in university, living the life of a college freshman. But instead, here I am now, writing application essays, pursuing teachers for recommendations and pouring over SAT books, once again. Why? Because I am not giving up on my dream of getting a world-class education at Carnegie Mellon. I know that to earn a place to at a world-class university, one needs to be a world-class student and I am reapplying this year to prove that I am one.
If accepted into Carnegie Mellon, I intend to pursue a business degree in the Tepper School of Business, with finance as a track. Growing up with an economist as a father, I have always had an interest in the economic and financial world. However, it was not until I became an Economics and Business Studies student during my A-Levels that my passion for these fields truly surfaced. My bedtime novels were gradually replaced by books by Thomas Freidman, Jack Welch and Paul Krugman. The connections between interest rates, currencies and Gross Domestic Products became a puzzle that I enjoyed solving. I savored the moments when I was able use my business skills in projects. Even the global economic crisis, though adverse, managed to fuel my interests further.
My reasons for wanting to study at Carnegie Mellon are exhaustive; the small classes, the eminent professors, the diversity of the student body. But in a nutshell, there are several characteristics of this university that really make it my dream college. Firstly, it has a strong business program. Besides having one of the best finance tracks in the world, I strongly believe that Tepper's programs such as the Professional Service Project as well as the activities organized by Tepper's clubs will definitely mould me into becoming a better leader. Secondly, the freedom given to Carnegie Mellon students truly excites me. I believe that an education should be holistic, and that a student should be allowed to explore different academic areas, not only their chosen major. It is remarkable to me that while pursuing a business degree at Tepper, I can also explore areas as diverse as cell biology, globalization, and Mayan America!
After the completion of my A-levels in June, I decided to take a gap year. Since then, I have been involved in several projects and activities which I believe will be useful for my studies in the future. Firstly, I have started taking Spanish lessons, which I am confident will be invaluable for me in the future career-wise, given the global nature of today's trade. Besides that, I have created a website called MOVEmalaysia, which aims to promote volunteerism amongst Malaysian youth. Not only did I learn a great deal about graphic design during this project, I learnt how to promote my website as well. I also used my website to promote the International Coastal Cleanup in my country. This year, I volunteered to be a site captain; a role which required me to scout for a suitable cleanup site, organize all the resources needed, organize the transportation, and liaise with Ocean Conservancy as well as The Body Shop (Malaysia's country coordinator). In the end, we managed to collect 80 pounds of trash in a single day! This experience really highlighted the plight of Malaysian beaches to me and I vowed to organize more coastal cleanups in the during my gap year.
My plans for next year include volunteering in Sri Lanka, interning in a local financial firm, climbing Mount Kinabalu in Sabah (Borneo) and much more. The excitement of new experiences has filled me with a new vigor as this is my chance to learn, not just from books but from the world around me. Next year will undoubtedly bring new opportunities to explore my interests. But the highlight of 2010 for me would be earning a place at Carnegie Mellon University.
Thanks again! :)
Hmm, I think the exclamation mark at the end of the second paragraph doesn't quite fit in. Also possibly the 80 pound one, it isn't emphasized correctly and the sentence is weird. It's in the end and in a single day. Pick one or the other imo
Like, "In a single day, we managed to collect 80 pounds of trash!)" or "In the end, we managed to collect over 80 pounds of trash!)
Thirdly, I don't see the big relevance of the third paragraph to the essay. Seems like a re-list of your extracurricular activities that would be found on your common app.
I like the beginning paragraph but I think you could have started it more on a positive note, the college application process is supposed to be an "enlightning experience" (you and I both know its more of a walk through essay hell. )but wouldnt you rather the reader smile rather than frown?
in the seccond paragraph, find a better word for firstly, thats too elemnetary.
also take advantage of the space we can use. we submit the essay in a one paged document, there is no limit on the size of your font. Mine is personally at times new roman size 10 and it just fits. Just by lowering it from 12 i got almost twice as much in.
please let me know what you think of mine too
thanks and gl
