This is my first draft of the main essay for the Common Application.
Prompt: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
September in Florida; still shorts-weather. Cautiously choreographed rows of trees string the sidewalks of yet another cookie-cutter development. Their leaves dance in a slow and steady breeze that, while refreshing, cannot quite compensate for the half-marathon of walking, knocking, walking, and knocking that I have devotedly performed over the last six hours.
Finally, as the stretch of empty sidewalk I am on unites with a targeted driveway, the monotony breaks and the bounce in my step returns. I am on a mission. My friendly rap on the door was welcomed by an older man with a kind disposition. He left his door all the way open, a rare sign of trust in this business. "How can I help you, young man?" he asked. He reminded me of my grandfather, and the disappointment that flushed over his face in reaction to my standard "we're looking for supporters of Barack Obama" line was thus doubly wounding. He sighed and dropped his shoulders a bit His reply caught me off-guard: "I just cannot support someone who advocates killing babies. Are you a Christian?" he asked.
I was raised a lapsed Catholic, if such a thing is possible. I went to a Catholic school for a time, attended Mass on Wednesdays with my classmates, but not on Sundays. The issue for me has always been a struggle, and this wasn't the first time I had experienced static due to religion on the campaign trail: I doubt I will forget the hulking, bearded man (and his equally-large dog) who said "Barack Obama? I ain't no Muslim" before slamming the door in my face. More heated conflicts between religions have raged for thousands of years, and the greatest philosophers have tried to solve the riddle of life after death for even longer; it makes my personal struggle feel so insignificant.
It is not a question of God's existence for me, though. Whether it be a stranger holding open a door on a difficult day; or the feeling of losing oneself in the rhythm of a piece of music; or even in biology, and learning the sublime complexity and immaculate efficiency with which atoms bond to atoms to perform tasks in the cell, I have no doubt in the existence of a God. With a vastness of personal experiences to draw upon, and the concrete logic of those like Aquinas, theism is easy. What follows is a mishmash of religions and rites, churches and creeds, denominations and dogmas that leave my head spinning. It is impossible to simply step back and make a reasoned decision. There are no "Idiot's Guides" to choosing a religion, no flowcharts or compare-contrast tables of positions and ideas to help me decide. Facts are scarce, support is rare, and for an empirical mind like mine making the leap is difficult. But I keep trying: I attend services that are unfamiliar to me, I read books that are outside of my comfort zone, I experiment with approaches to life that I feel can make me a more spiritual person. It will likely take time but, hopefully, the patchwork of experiences that I have exposed myself to will eventually come together and provide me with the courage to take the leap.
"Yes, sir, I am," I replied. It was partially true. "...and that is an issue that I have struggled with." I continued by highlighting some of the Senator's "more Christian" policy proposals, but it was clear we had reached a stalemate. Before I turned to leave, though, we shook hands. That two people, so many years apart, on opposing ends of the political spectrum, could set aside their differences and recognize each other as equals gave me a faith in people that I had not felt before.
As I made my way back to the pale gray sidewalk, I thought about the work ahead of me. So many more doors to try. And although most of them will be left unanswered, I am going to keep knocking because, every once in a while, there are lessons like the old man's behind those doors that make the search worthwhile. Maybe one day I will find the support I am looking for, but I guess if it was so easily understood, it wouldn't be called faith.
Too long? Too short? Too much asyndeton? Do I ramble? Thanks for the input!
It's not really about Catholic school, but that's fine.
Good evening :)
I have edited a paragraph from your piece and included some general comments as well:
"It is not a question of God's existence for me, though. Whether it be a stranger holding open a door on a difficult day, t he feeling of losing oneself in the rhythm of a piece of music, or even in biology l earning the sublime complexity and immaculate efficiency with which atoms bond to atoms to perform tasks in the cell; I have no doubt in the existence of a God. With a vastness of personal experiences to draw upon, and the concrete logic of those like Aquinas, theism is easy. What follows is a mishmash of religions and rites, churches and creeds, denominations and dogmas that leave my head spinning. It is impossible to simply step back and make a reasoned decision. There are no "Idiot's Guides" to choosing a religion, no flowcharts or compare-contrast tables of positions and ideas to help me decide. Facts are scarce, support is rare, and for an empirical mind like mine making the leap is difficult. ButAvoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "and," "so," or "but." I keep trying: I attend services that are unfamiliar to me, I read books that are outside of my comfort zone, I experiment with approaches to life that I feel can make me a more spiritual person. It will likely take time but, hopefully, the patchwork of experiences that I have exposed myself to will eventually come together and provide me with the courage to take the leap."
In regards to content, you are very well organized and your paragraphs are structured well. I think it answers the prompt well, in a formal and even tone; you have a confident voice, resulting in a strong essay.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thanks for staying up late to read my essay :)
I will definitely work on it some more, but your general 'thumbs up' on the essay gives me that shot of confidence I needed.
Thanks again!
Just a heads up, I'm going to read Ms. Gloria's corrections to your paragraph, because I assume that you're going to heed her wonderful advice.
"September in Florida; still shorts-weather." It might just be me, but I don't know what that means. OH! Your use of a colon is awkward here, so I suggest simplifying it by making it into a sentence? But wow, what a good intro.
"My friendly rap on the door was welcomed". "was welcomed" is in the past tense, while the rest of your essay so far has been in the present. *EDIT: Choose a tense, either past or present, and stick with it.
That part between "all the way open" and "Barack Obama" was beautiful. Wow, I'm actually enjoying this at this point.
"He sighed and dropped his shoulders a bit His reply" Missed a period! No worries dear, just a little typo :)
"campaign trail: I doubt I will forget" Hmm, a semi-colon might be better.
Absolutely flawless integration of your examples into your argument!
I agree with Gloria's correction in "day", but in the "biology" example I feel that yours is more accurate if you take out the "and". Actually, I think Gloria's correction in "day" is there because she doesn't see the successive use of semi-colons as a larger categorization normally indicated by commas, so it totally depends on what you think you should do. Personally, however, I don't think your sentence is so ridden with commas that you have to resort to the extremely obscure use of semicolons. You have to weigh your options between being more or less clear at the expense of grammatical accuracy.
I am personally very liberal when it comes to how you begin sentences (as long as they're different), so I suggest that you go with whatever you see as fit.
No, your use of asyndeton is very subtle and appropriate.
I love the structure of your essay! It goes from an easy, clear anecdotal intro to the main part of your anecdote, leading with a logical transition from the question to your background. Then your struggles and how you compensated for them in your main body paragraph... Definitely shows HOW religion is important to you.
Your essay is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I am so incredibly thankful that I'm not writing on the same prompt as you are!
Keep up the good work, and once I get my UC and Olin apps in, I will be glad to read the rest of your essays!
Thanks a lot for the corrections saviorknights, 'especially' the one about the mixed-up tenses. I never would have caught that.
With the commas and the semicolons: I write how I speak, if that makes sense, and I really have to try hard to keep my commas and semi-colons down. I combined your suggestions and came up with something like this:
"Whether it be a stranger holding open a door on a difficult day, the feeling of losing oneself in the rhythm of a piece of music, or even in biology, learning the sublime complexity and immaculate efficiency with which atoms bond to atoms to perform tasks in the cell; I have no doubt in the existence of a God."
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Thanks everyone for the input. I'm still going to let a few others read it, but your suggestions definitely made it a better essay. And saviorknights, I'm glad we're not applying against each other!
