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From a public school to a private, small, all-girls, Catholic high school - I need a simile


songbird91 /  
Sep 17, 2009   #1
Crying hysterically and denying my mom's arm of circulation was not the way I wanted to start my first day of high school. I flinched in the car as it rolled past the (SCHOOL NAME HERE) sign into the driveway to a throng of waiting nuns. As Sister Mary-Kathleen greeted my enraptured mother, I begged her with my eyes to turn around and give me back fashion freedom. A public school girl all my life, switching to a private, small, all-girls, Catholic high school was the equivalent of SOMETHING.

My heatbeat became deafeningly loud as I slid into the auditorium seat and glanced at the girl next to me. She wore the same perpetually-wrinkled blue skirt, itchy tights and clearly shared my feeling of unadulterated fear.

ok the prompt is to explain an experience in which you left your comfort zone and how it changed you
here's what i need- i need a simile or something similar to compare my switch too and i need other critique

i'm trying to explain how changing schools from being in the same school my entire life taught my to embrace new experiences
comments or helpful input would be SO greatly appreciated
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 17, 2009   #2
Did you really cry hysterically? Was your heartbeat really deafeningly loud? Did you truly feel unadulterated fear? If that's true, you may not want to disclose it, as it seems a rather exaggerated response to an unpleasant but not exactly terrifying situation. If it's not true, you may want to rein in the hyperbole.
woah_amie 2 / 8  
Sep 17, 2009   #3
So far, the beginning is okay.
I agree with EF_Simone: " If that's true, you may not want to disclose it, as it seems a rather exaggerated response to an unpleasant but not exactly terrifying situation."

Maybe you can tell us exactly what was going on in your head OTHER than fear or fashion freedom?
Notoman 20 / 419  
Sep 17, 2009   #4
It is the "enraptured mother" that is bothering me. It can have two different meanings and neither one of them is working here. The first meaning is being overcome with joy. The second is someone in the process of literally being transported to heaven.
woah_amie 2 / 8  
Sep 17, 2009   #5
Yes, it is true was Notoman said, enraptured does not convey what you are trying to say.
asianbaybay 1 / 10  
Sep 17, 2009   #6
i agree with above, try to let out more what your about to say other than that i like it so far its good
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 18, 2009   #7
Breaking down in tears is appropriate for, say, kids heading into kindergarten or first grade, who have never been away from their parents before. It merely shows a weakness of character in a high school student.

changing schools from being in the same school my entire life taught my to embrace new experiences

So skip the breakdown and discuss this. Show us how you learned to embrace new experiences. This should be especially interesting, because most people don't associate attending Catholic school with the opening of one's mind. This gives you a great angle to work with.
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Sep 18, 2009   #8
I disagree with almost everything everyone said about this mainly because I loved the story and I found the over-the-top exaggerations to be fitting and funny! A little more serious meat on the subject is in order, but other than that, I am still giggling. What better way to explain a traumatic event (however slight;) than with humor and a good attitude. I would have you tell this story to my 'tweens.

Keep everything you have already written and expound on the subject with a little more gravity. I liked it. I actually felt my legs itching for a second there...

Sincerely,
me, Jeannie
Moonshadow0302 - / 68  
Sep 18, 2009   #9
I agree "crying hysterically" on the first day of school is not something one would associate with a high-school student, although perhaps you are that kind of a person - emotionally expressive, which is fine I guess, if that is what you want to portray.

Couple of things that struck me as a bit odd -

denying my mom's arm of circulation

Did you mean your mother's encircling arm? comforting arm? what?
also -

the same perpetually-wrinkled blue skirt

Clearly this is a girl you are seeing/meeting for the first time in your life - how would you know this is the "same" and "perpetually" wrinkled skirt, when this is the first time you are seeing her?

Regarding the simile - you could say it was the equivalent of Lucy walking into the frozen wastes of Narnia? Or Wendy walking into Neverneverland?
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 18, 2009   #10
Ah, I suppose it would be funny if it were read as a deliberately exaggerated satire. Problem with that is that it isn't immediately obvious that you know you are exaggerating, and there are people shallow enough to react this badly to having to wear a school uniform. Since we don't know you from a hole in the ground, this is a problem. Your intentions as an author might become clearer in a longer essay . . .


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