Chalk Handprints - UPenn Supplemental Essay

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn? (250 words) - Currently, my word count is 277 words. Is this too much of a stretch, and if so, how should I cut it down?

The small African American girl approaches me in the shabby playground I have come to clean up, a smile stretched across her face and blue chalk smeared on her hands. With a devilish shriek of giggles, she rapidly pats my shirt and legs, leaving behind handprints.

It was then I knew that I couldn't go through high school quietly getting A's and acing exams for my personal achievement.
In order to change the community, knowledge must be taken and implemented, and the University of Pennsylvania offers many opportunities to do so. The Vagelos Program in Life Sciences & Management bridges the divide between two seemingly unrelated fields and empowers students to bring pharmaceuticals and health care to those in need. I am eager that the program will both enrich my leadership skills and allow me to research proteins and diseases, the two areas which intrigue me. With this knowledge, I wish to become involved in the Social Impact Consulting group and work with organizations in Philadelphia by developing feasible strategies to meet goals. Whether it is with the homeless or an urban museum, the impact made will be tangible and have lasting effects on the community. I also hope to become a member of Medical Emergency Response Team and provide immediate medical care to students and Philadelphians, no matter the time of day. I am motivated to join for the possible patient interactions as well as for the experience in emergency medicine gained.

As I grimace at the chalk stains and chase the little girl, I can't help thinking that despite the long hours of missions training and pricey train tickets, the trouble was all worth it.

Do I make the paths I want to pursue clear, and do I back these up with my personal experiences?
Should I elaborate anywhere?

Thanks for your time and help :)

I have minor changes
The small African American=> The little African American

The small African American girl approaches me in the shabby playground I have come to clean up, a smile stretched across her face and blue chalk smeared on her hands. (inconsistancy tense, if you use past tense=>The small African American girl approached me in the shabby playground that I had to clean up or if you already clean up use this "that I had clearned up")

You can kill this sentence and do something better, more meaningful. I know what you really mean, but you tried to mush 2 ideas together and it made this sentence stumble. Suggestion: Write a new sentence about realizing you could not settle for complacency with regard to the suffering in the world, and talk about getting A's, etc. in a different part of the essay.

In order to change the community, knowledge must be taken and implemented, and the University of Pennsylvania offers many opportunities to do so. --- replace this with a sentence that means something. I know the sentences that follow express its meaning, but let this sentence be meaningful, too. Right now it says something that is too general.

Okay, the activities you listed in this essay are great -- Social Impact Consulting group, etc. -- but I think the intro and conclusion are uninspired. Don't take offense. I only say that because I saw some of your other writing, and I know it is excellent. This essay is one you wrote when you were not so inspired, I think. It reflects your great writing ability, but I think it does not have a solid theme. :-) Could that be correct? Does it feel as inspired as other essays you have written?

Why do you have to mention that the girl is African American? I don't think you should bring race into this essay - it adds tension to an essay that is otherwise pretty relaxed and well-written.

isn't the upenn supplement approx. 500 words? thats what it says on the common app site.

Hi!

Yes, you are correct! The UPenn Supplement Essay should be "approximately" 500 words. I've seen them both above and below the 500 word limit, but never more than 10 from the deviation.

--Mark

@tensplyr4eva and mea505

thank you SO much for pointing that out. wow, i have no idea how i thought the essay was supposed to be only 250 words! I think i read another student's penn supplement essay, which was around 250 words, so I assumed that was the guideline. how careless of me! but thank you for correcting me on that.

@iceui2

in this version of the essay, you're correct in that mentioning race doesn't make sense. in the latest version i've written i emphasized that, despite our differences (including racial), she still approached me and took the initiative, which is something i've learned to emulate. i'll post a second draft soon after i write 250 more words haha.

fyi, it was 250 during the summer, but that was due to a system error and they finally got it fixed to the 500 limit it always had.