Hi, I want a check on this essay to see if there is any awkward statement, point plus if it answers the prompt.
Prompt: Outline what you believe are particular challenges (e.g., in the economy, education, healthcare, or social and public policy) faced by your country or more locally, such as your city or village. Please explain how achieving a Bachelor's degree education will empower you to address challenges in your community? (300-word maximum)
Ghana, a country with 24 million population, second World's largest cocoa producing country and profoundly blessed with abundant other mineral resources, however majority of the citizens live in poverty due to high rate of corruption.
Corruption is a major issue in the world and the problem is critical in most developing countries, precisely, Ghana. It is no qualm that the country is facing rampant 24-hour power catastrophe additionally impeding Ghana's economic development and other sectors, since corrupt government officials and politicians intentionally apportion more coffers towards precise sectors to make room for graft.
Additionally, corruption is affecting the susceptible excessively, because of their subjection to change the current situation and failure to pay bribes, creating dissimilarities that violate their constitutional rights. This challenge also contributes largely to the high rate of unemployment in Ghana as resources that are to be used to create employment opportunities are misused by corrupt public officials for their self-interested use.
With a degree in Communication Studies, I will be empowered to expose bureaucrats' misdemeanors to light and make sure that they are impeached, thereby increasing the standards of public accountability and serving as a deterrent to future officials. I will also educate the public about the dangers of corruption to economic development through the internet, print and broadcasting media, plus encouraging them to appear and testify when they witness to corrupt practices by individuals and public officials.
I will hope to raise public awareness through the spreading of information on the need to set a policy that will chasten corrupt public officials and citizens, thus pressurizing the government and policy makers to take such action.
In brief, studying at ****** University and participation in the ****** Scholarship will gain me investigative journalism skills, give support and help me achieve my dreams.
The first sentence is too wordy and I would chop it down some. You should begin your essay with what you can do to change it and then explain what needs to be changed, not vice versa. I think that way it will have more impact. Organization wise, that is the only thing I saw. Some of the wording is awkward, especially in the first paragraph, and could be fixed. But other than that, I think its a solid essay that answers the prompt effectively. Good luck!
Yankey, the topic of corruption is a good one to discuss in relation to the prompt. The resulting effects of corruption in your essay indicates that you are quite familiar with the major and minor effects of corruption in Ghana. The discussion that you present, while in need of grammar improvement, does highlight the need for better social education in the country. I just wish that your essay had taken the time to develop that particular need through your interest in Communication Studies.
There is a need for you to tone down your boastful claims towards the end of your essay such as
I will be empowered to expose bureaucrats' misdemeanors to light and make sure that they are impeached, thereby increasing the standards of public accountability and serving as a deterrent to future officials.
You sound like you are planning to be a one person political fighting machine that will eradicate corruption in your country. Take it down a few notches. Be more realistic in your claims. You can say that you will expose the corrupt politicians in the hope of getting the clean and nationalistic politicians to take action against them. Rather than making it appear that you are the investigator, judge, and jury when you learn of instances of corruption in the country. That is an unrealistic claim that you should not be making in such a serious essay.
Concentrate on developing this thought:
I will also educate the public about the dangers of corruption to economic development through the internet, print and broadcasting media, plus encouraging them to appear and testify when they witness to corrupt practices by individuals and public officials.
Try to develop some doable ideas as to how you can possibly do this as a student and eventually, as a journalist in Ghana. That will help show solid proof of how you see a bachelor's degree helping you to address the challenges in your country.
Thanks Vangiespen for the review. I appreciate your helping hand.
However, I have done some changes as you suggested and below is a copy. The lines in red have been removed from the essay and the one in blue has been added.
With a degree in Communication Studies, I will be empowered to expose bureaucrats' misdemeanors to light and make sure that they are impeached (the misdeeds of corrupt politicians in the hope of getting the clean and nationalistic politicians to take action against them , thereby increasing the standards of public accountability and serving as a deterrent to future officials. I will also educate the public about the dangers of corruption to economic development through the internet, print and broadcasting media , plus encouraging them to appear and testify when they witness to corrupt practices by individuals and public officials.
Hi Yankey, I do believe that the edit helped your essay in terms of responding to the prompt. However, the language needs to be cleaned up in order to really make an impact with the statement. Let me help clean it up for you. I revised your essay to make it more understandable to the reviewer. This is what I came up with for you:
I hail from the country of Ghana. Composed of a population of 24 million, the second largest African Cocoa exporting country is truly blessed with natural resources but also plagued by graft and corruption in the government. These negative government actions have kept the majority of the population suffering from 24 hour power outtages and unable to recover from natural catastrophe's that often visit the country. With corruption as the major cause of economic instability in Ghana, it behooves the citizens of the country to take action in order to protect the country and its people from a complete and total economic collapse as best as they can. That is where I feel I can help empower my community to fight off the negative and corrupt influences that are taking over Ghana.
With a degree in Communication Studies, I will be empowered to expose the misdeeds of corrupt politicians in the hopes of getting the clean and nationalistic politicians to take action against them. Such actions could increase the standards of public accountability and can serve as a deterrent to future officials. I will also educate the public about the dangers of corruption to economic development and encourage them to appear and testify when they witness corrupt practices by individuals and public officials. I hope to raise public awareness by spreading information on the need to set a policy that will chasten corrupt public officials and citizens, thus pressurizing the government and policy makers to take such action.
In brief, studying at McGill University and participation in the MasterCard Scholarship will help me develop investigative journalism skills while also supporting and helping me achieve my dreams.
Use what I just wrote as your example to continue revising and polishing your essay. I will be more than happy to assist you in finalizing the paper. Otherwise, you can use the example as your essay if you wish. It isn't a big deal to me :-)
Thanks very much Vangiespan. Truly, you are a God-sent. God richly bless you abundantly for the impact you are making in the lives of the members here at EssayForum.
