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Change in academics- a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer.


Priyanka3 6 / 17  
Aug 19, 2010   #1
The question was:

The Admissions Committee expects that you will take advantage of this question to explain any grade on your transcript that is unusually low or varies significantly from your usual performance.

My grades freshman and sophmore year don't represent the person I am now so I'm hoping what I wrote below shows them the change.

Everybody says high school is the era in your life, in which the mistakes you make, the friendships that you gain, help you find who you truly are. When I had first entered my freshman year, my priorities were in making friends, and in enjoying myself, but in the end many of those friends had been distrustful as the enjoyment had deeply affected my academics. Going down the wrong road, I didn't know what the right turn to make was. Consequently, my sophomore year, I had tried harder but not diligently enough to display a change in my morals and values. When the summer had arrived, it occurred to me that I'd be leaving to college in less than two years, and to make my family and friends proud, I would have work with determination, as it is my future in my hands. Looking back at my junior year now, with all those long nights of endless works, and caffeine to keep me awake, it was all worth the work as I had almost gotten straight A's and moved up in classes to challenge myself. For another chance to boost my GPA and to gain the intellectual knowledge for college, I took the opportunity of taking a few AP classes and the greater chance for learning new unknown knowledge. I acknowledge the fact that change is inevitable, but making that change to benefit myself and my future, is a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer.

Any changes or comments will be greatly appreciated! Thank you.
freezard7734 17 / 209  
Aug 19, 2010   #2
When I had first entered my freshman year, my priorities were in making friends and in enjoying myself, but in the end, many of those friends had been distrustful as, and the enjoyment had deeply affected my academics.

Don't overdo your commas. It can convolute your sentence and sometimes give your sentence a different meaning.

When the summer had arrived, it occurred to me that I'd be leaving tofor college in less than two years, and. T o make my family and friends proud, I would have to work with determination, assinceit is my future is in my hands.

Looking back at my junior yearnow , it was worth the those long nights of endless works and caffeine to keep me awake, it was all worth the work as; I had almost gotten straight A's and moved up in classes to challenge myself.

You seem to have trouble with commas. Remember, if your listing only two things, don't pull out the commas. Only use them when you're listing more than two things. Also, if you're combining two sentences with a conjuction, you need a comma before the "and" or the "but", etc.

I acknowledge the fact that change is inevitable, but making that change to benefit myself and my future is a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 21, 2010   #3
Don't overdo your commas.

Right, no commas are necessary here:
Everybody says high school is the era in your life in which the mistakes you make and the friendships that you gain help you find who you truly are.

Streamline: When I had first entered my freshman year, my priorities were in to make friends and in enjoying enjoy myself, but in the end many ...

Consequently, during my sophomore year (no comma here) I had tried harder but not diligently enough to display a change in my morals and values. When the summer had arrived, it occurred to me that I'd be leaving to college in less than two years and that to make my family and friends proud (no need for comma) I would have work with determination, as it is my future would be in my hands. Looking back...

I took the opportunity of taking to participate in a few AP classes and the greater chance for learning. new unknown knowledge . I acknowledge the...

:-) Tell about some subjects that caught your interest and motivated you, and tell about your plan for the next five years. Nothing proves your motivation like a vision for the future.
OP Priyanka3 6 / 17  
Aug 23, 2010   #4
Thanks Freezard and Kevin!

I decided to take your advice on talking about particular subjects and motivations for my future by changing my ending--

For another chance to boost my GPA and to gain the intellectual knowledge for college, I
took the opportunity to participate in a few AP classes and the greater chance for learning. In my particular class of AP Language and Composition, my professor had changed my false impression of academics being boring, into rather intriguing and challenging. As his lectures didn't follow the common procedure of notes and tests, I learned from his personal experiences and humorous techniques. His teachings helped me gain courage and acknowledge my own strengths, which have now given me a clear vision of my future. From not knowing what classes to take the preceding year to having a passion of one day being a prestigious business owner, I hope others are able to see the change that I see in myself. As famous William Drayton had once said, "Change starts when someone sees the next step." I'm willing to find that step to success, those steps to my future.


Is it too long by any chance? Any other general comments would be great also. Thanks all!
freezard7734 17 / 209  
Aug 24, 2010   #5
It's getting better.

For another chance to boost my GPA and to gain the intellectual knowledge for college, I took the opportunity to participate in a few AP classes and the greater chance for learning.

This sentence is a bit long and convoluted. Try to split it up.

In my particular class of AP Language and Composition

Here, the reader will know that you are talking about a class :]

You seem to talk about your teacher. To strengthen your essay, you should add a specific experience with him that will support your essay. Maybe, in one or two sentences, tell us a specific incident with you teacher that revolutionized your view of academics.


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