Change for the better - melting pot adventure

Prompt Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you.

For seventeen years of my life, I have been living and learning in a multicultural environment.
At the age of ten I left my home country of Venezuela and came to the United States where I hoped to experience a better life and expand my knowledge. I experience the "melting pot" both at school and within my community as I began to speak both English and Spanish. Leaving my country and my culture was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, but it has definitely changed me for the better.

Coming from a small town, it was hard adjusting to the big city. My father always works and my stepmother was always sick at home, so I had to discover ways to get around myself. This led me to be more patient and self-reliant; I learn to take public transit. Though Occasionally I made mistakes however becoming self-reliant and patient taught me that mistakes are not failures but just one step before success.

Once I returned to Venezuela again, I was given the privilege of speaking to a group of Venezuelan students about my integration of American culture and how it changes me for the better. I was concerned about how the audience would react. Would they think I was a haughty person? Regardless of my concerns, I walked onto the stage and told them the story of how integrating to a new culture made a better person of me.

With time I learned my way around and became friendly with the neighborhood, however I learn something greater, patients as well as self-reliant, this skills have help me and change for the better as well as an incentive to try and be the better I can. Now I'm facing a new challenge to the story to my life, my life after I leave Illinois for college elsewhere, where my melting pot adventure will continue to prosper.

Vinny, please not my suggestions in blue and comments in green. Changes will be in red.


- Vinny, there is something wrong with this paragraph. At the age of 10 you were not old enough to make such a big decision for yourself. Nor were you financially capable of supporting such a big move. I believe that you need to rewrite the introduction. Instead saying that your parents made a very big decision regarding your future when they decided to move the family to the United States. You can keep the portion about the move changing you for the better.


- I had to adjust to living in the big city. With my father constantly working and a sickly stepmother to care for, I had to learn to grow up fast in a strange, new world. I learned how to become more self-reliant because my parents could only do so much for me. I had to learn patience because I had to constantly care for my stepmother. I learned how to take public transportation in order to keep my family going. Sure I made mistakes, but every mistake I made was part of what I now believe to be character building exercises for me since I learned something new from each failure or mistake.


- I was given the privilege of sharing my immigrant story with Venezuelan students during one of my visits to the country. I shared my story of integration and the changes for the better that occurred as I became a part of American society. While I was concerned about the audience reaction, I felt that I needed to share this story with them. Even if they thought I was haughty and snobbish, I needed to share my story of hope and triumph over adversity with them. As I watched their faces react to my story, I came to a realization, I had taken my move to America and my experiences for granted. These students may just continue to dream of what I had achieved. I learned to treasure and feel proud of my accomplishment in life. That of changing the direction of my future for the better with the help of my parents and a nurturing country. It is a privilege that I will never take for granted again.

hi thank you for the feedback, I did some changes and took some of your ideas can you tell me what you think.

- I experienced the melting pot...


- ... I had to learn to take care of my self and discover...


- So I developed a patience for many things such as other people and developed a sense of self reliance in order to keep myself afloat in a complex and problematic new world.


- I came to realize that I was not totally American nor was I still totally a Venezuelan. I was now a combination of both cultures and somehow, I managed to combine the best of both worlds within me. Creating a unique individual who could evolve as a person and an intellectual in any given setting. The "melting pot" culture had successfully transformed me without my noticing it.


- I am now a person capable of using the skills I have learned from all my past life stages. I have perfected my adult self to a great extent. I am looking forward to further advancing myself and taking advantage of the "melting pot" culture as I venture into my college studies.

Vinny, I am still catching grammatical errors in the essay. Let's work together to clean it up :-)


-I would go live with my...


- Adjusting to life in the big...


- I discovered ways ofgetting around by myself.


- I realized that...


- ... to combine both...

thank you for correcting my mistakes it really helps me a lot. I hope u like it, and please let me know if you find any other error

For seventeen years of my life, I have been living and learning in a multicultural environment.
At the age of ten my parents made the big decision that I would go live with my father and my stepmother. I left my home country of Venezuela and came to the United States where I hoped to experience a better life and expand my knowledge. I experienced the "melting pot" both at school and within my community as I began to speak both English and Venezuelan. Having to leave my country and my culture was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but it has definitely changed me for the better.

Adjusting to life in the big city was a huge change. With my father constantly working and a sickly stepmother to care for, I had to learn to grow up fast in a strange, new world. I discovered of getting around by myself. So I developed patience for many things such as other people and developed a sense of self-reliance. I learned how to take public transportation and slowly began to learn the language. Sure I made mistakes, but every mistake I made was part of what I now believe to be character building exercises for me since I learned something new from each failure or mistake

I was given the privilege of sharing my immigrant story with Venezuelan students during one of my visits to the country. I shared my story of integration and the changes for the better that occurred as I became a part of American society. I was concerned about how the audience would react. Would they think I was a haughty and snobbish? Regardless of my concerns, I walked onto the stage and told them the story of how integrating to a new culture made a better person of me. As I watched their faces react to my story. I realized that I was not totally American nor was I still entirely a Venezuelan. But rather a person who managed to combine both cultures and creates a unique individual who could evolve as a person and an intellectual in any had given setting. The "melting pot" culture had successfully transformed me without my noticing it.

Now im a person capable of using the skills I have learned from all my past life stages. I have perfected my adult self to a great extent. I am looking forward to further advancing myself and taking advantage of the "melting pot" culture as I venture into my college studies.

Vinny, I have a suggestion for the content that I hope you will consider. I am stating it below along with some minor corrections :-)


- I have been thinking about this part of the essay for a long time and I think we should develop it because of what you said within that will be a reflection upon the rest of the paper. You said that you have been living in a multicultural environment for 17 years. That means that you lived in a multicultural environment while a child in Venezuela. Can you mention something about that prior multicultural environment and what you learned there that we might be able to connect to the melting pot of the United States? We can keep it short, just something to give your claim of living in a multicultural environment for almost all your life some credibility :-)



- ... integrating into a new culture...



- Now, I am a person