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I want to change this world; Illinois ESSAY PROMPT#1:


vadalis 4 / 12  
Dec 15, 2012   #1
ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois.

The feeling of solving a mind-boggling calculus problem or discovering the structure of graphene for the first time is simply exciting. There is an inherent beauty in those feelings which bring out my deep analytical nature. I've chosen to pursue computer science for computers are endlessly fascinating. The possibilities are only limited by the human mind. But if I really 'just' wanted to learn computer science, why not go to a library? And borrow some books? Why did I choose to go to a university miles away from the comfort of home?

As Thomas Edison once said, 'Necessity is the mother of all invention'. For me, Ramu was my necessity.
In my hometown, Hyderabad, There was a boy, 2 years younger than me, Ramu, who sold storybooks by foot to earn money for his sick mother's treatment, toiling for long, arduous hours. I admired his bravery but it shattered me that our destinies were so different. He was never going to receive the education and opportunities I have. For some divine reason, I got the opportunity this amazing boy did not have and I had to make the most out of my life-not for myself, but for Ramu and for every other street kid.

It didn't make sense that the world I come from cannot give education to young individuals like Ramu. Inside me, I felt a genuine desire to grow and make the world a better place. I want to pursue an engineering degree in Illinois to shape the world into a beautiful place where all can learn and grow, with equal opportunity. I want to change this world. I wish to make sure that every 'Ramu' out there can get an education and fulfil their dreams for everyone is worth a shot.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 15, 2012   #2
Hi,

please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois

Well... I doubt whether you have really addressed what the prompt asks from you. You talk about your intended major and a character that influenced you, but I cannot find anything that is relevant to;

"how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major"

So ... I feel this is a bit out of topic answer.
OP vadalis 4 / 12  
Dec 15, 2012   #3
Thank you so much for the feedback Dumi! i'll improve on the essay.
Do you have any other suggestions perhaps?because i personally feel the content of my essay is somewhere there...if not there totally.
AryanK 5 / 20 3  
Dec 15, 2012   #4
Well Vandalis, I think you fail to respond to the question. The question demands you to tell them why do you want to study computer science, Ramu's story seems a

little irrelevant. If you say that you want to do some thing to provide education to these underprivileged kids so how will you do it with a major in

computer sciences. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.I think you should also avoid adding sayings by people that makes the essay a little boring.Hope my remarks help
OP vadalis 4 / 12  
Dec 15, 2012   #5
yes i understood your point :) i'll be posting up a revised essay soon! thanks for the feedback! :D
OP vadalis 4 / 12  
Dec 16, 2012   #6
ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois.

Every year, I would visit my hometown, Hyderabad. Always, though I would be shocked by the state of poverty present. Children my age would be on the streets, in rags asking me for a few dimes to survive just the next day. It shattered me that our destinies were so different. They were never going to receive the education and opportunities I had. As a young child, who saw the world through his unprejudiced lenses, these images would haunt me for many days. These children deserve no less than I do.

The feeling of solving a mind-boggling calculus problem or discovering the structure of graphene for the first time is simply exciting. There is an inherent beauty in those feelings which bring out my deep analytical nature. Thus, I've chosen to pursue computer science for computers are endlessly fascinating. The possibilities are only limited by the human mind. By developing programmes, one can provide aid to poverty stricken areas. I can teach basic programming to people in impoverished regions, creating job prospects for them; or collate data to help farmers increase their yield per acre. Applications/websites can be designed to help disaster management too. Medical services, damaged signals, closest shelters and sources of help could all be accessed by victims easily.

It didn't make sense that the world I come from cannot give basic amenities to every young individual. Inside me, I felt a genuine desire to grow and make the world a better place. I want to pursue an engineering degree in Illinois to change this world. I wish to make sure that every human out there can get an education and fulfill their dreams for everyone is worth a shot.
AryanK 5 / 20 3  
Dec 18, 2012   #7
hey ur essay is good. I like it but I think if you could link the second para's opening sentence with the previous..i guess that I would make ur essay sound well connected and if you could work a little on concluding para as well. Other than that you have written well. Best of luck!
OP vadalis 4 / 12  
Dec 19, 2012   #8
thanks aryanK! could you check out my other essay also?thank you so much for your time :)


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