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Changing an Idea into an Action from Leadership Point of View - Application Essay


jeffng93 1 / 2  
Jan 13, 2011   #1
Hey,
the topic for my essay is to describe a leadership accomplishment where I changed an idea into action. I need to do it within 250 words.

Can you guys please edit and give me some feedback? Thanks in advance

In the summer of 2010, I volunteered at a summer day camp for multicultural children that spoke little to no English. It was an eight-week program where I took a leadership role and nurtured an idea that grew into an action. When one imagines a lesson, worksheets and textbooks are first to come to mind but this is not always the most effective direction to take. Learning a new language is difficult, especially for children, and I believed that a more interactive teaching style would benefit them. I decided to take the initiative so I went to the program organizer and proposed that in addition to the standard curriculum of worksheets and lessons, I would incorporate interactive materials. Based on my experiences of learning French and Spanish as a beginner, I believed that media such as songs, games, and movies would prove successful. It wasn't easy. I spent hours that weekend looking for suitable materials: past and current teachers were contacted, libraries were explored, and of course, the famous Google brought up thousands of pages that had to be individually sorted. The first day back from the tedious weekend was full of emotions. As a guinea pig, my class was the first to be experimented on. It was uncharted territories and thoughts of failure floated through my head. The risk of embarrassment and failure paid off; the children were immersed in the language and smiling at the same time. The idea of bringing multimedia into the classroom radiated from this point and was soon used throughout the day camp.

mimiQ 5 / 11  
Jan 13, 2011   #2
I volunteered at a summer day camp for multicultural children that spoke little to no English.

"multicultural children" sounds awkward to me. How about just "children who does not know English or cannot speak it well"?

I believed that media such as songs, games, and movies would be helpful

It wasn't easy.

What wasn't easy? Preparing the class? finding materials? Always be careful of using "it" cuz you have to explain what it refer to. ^

I spent hours that weekend looking for suitable materials: past and current teachers were contacted, libraries were explored, and of course, the famous Google brought up thousands of pages that had to be individually sorted.

I just thought it is not that necessary to use a passive structure in this very long sentence. You can just say "I contacted many past and current teachers, explore... Blah blah blah". but this is just my idea. you dont have to change if you prefer your original.^

It wasThe uncharted territories and thoughts of failure floated through my head. However, all of my worries melted away as i saw the children were immersed in the language and smiling at the same time.

Again, this is just my own idea. You can always choose to use the words that you like better.
Jomaha23 7 / 29  
Jan 13, 2011   #3
I Agree with the previous poster. Make those grammatical corrections and your good. The essay is great and answers the prompt correctly, but I think the starting sentence is a bit redundant. If the prompt asks you to say about a time you turned an idea into an action, then starting like "I nurtured an idea that grew into an action." It is somehow redundant since the essay reader already knows that's what you going to talk about in the essay. Maybe change and use other words, or just eliminate it. Remember that TELLING what you did is not as important as SHOWING it. Maybe if you eliminate that first sentence you can use the space for other ideas. Hope this helps :)!

Great essay overall.

Can you please check mine? :)
OP jeffng93 1 / 2  
Jan 13, 2011   #4
Thanks for the great suggestions.
I'll be sure to contribute back to this great community!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,339 129  
Feb 8, 2011   #5
Paragraphs are powerful. In this kind of case, with a limit of 250 words, I would use 2 or 3 small paragraphs instead of just one. Using all one paragraph is like using no paragraphs at all.

But each paragraph is an opportunity to plant a memorable idea in the reader's mind.

The writing here is beautiful. My only suggestion, I guess, is to use paragraphs, or perhaps just separate 2 sentences at the end as a punchy conclusion. But one long paragraph is mind boggling. Anyway, you have great grammar, rhythm, variation of sentence length, and details to show how much insight you gained. This is a solid essay. I hope you check out the EssayForum Contributor Page.


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