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'child in a Chinese family that is going to College' - The world you come from



jinxanz 1 / 1  
Nov 13, 2011   #1
Greeting!! Please help me correct my mistakes and give me comment about my essay.
Thank you for taking your time !

Personal Statement 1
Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

By the time I was nine, my parents to the United State for better living life. As I step into the airport of San Francisco, my heart is filled with excitement, but also felt nervous. Consequently, learning a new language was the worst concern for all of us. My uncle supported us his living room for us to live for nine month before we moved out; at night, I was panic while my mother was sobbing about the suffering she had from her job. My mother's tear moistened my heart; In order to pay back my mother's tears, I knew studying hard and go to College would do so.

As first-generation child in a Chinese family that is going to College, I was forced to grow up earlier than that I expected. When I was eleven, I learned to be independent and strong to take care myself. Ironically, my parents came home late every day because of their menial job. Therefore I had to rush home afterschool to cook rice for my tiredness parent and finish my homework. Sometimes, I go straight to my uncle's apartment to pick up foods and get my math homework tutored my uncle. He also taught me structure of cars and how to build computers. I was totally passionate how automobiles, watches, elevators and refrigerators operate when he first taught me all about these. I discovered the road of mechanical engineering would be the road for me. As time drifted away, my uncle passed away due to brain cancer during my sophomore year. His passing was the one of the root cause for my aspiration. I began to put more times into studying and homework to show him that I am able to pick myself up whenever I fall.

My family shaped who I am and also my aspiration. I believe admission to University of California would give me the key to unlock the door of becoming a mechanical engineer and reimburse to my family.

dsalcoda419 1 / 2  
Nov 13, 2011   #2
your essay has a very meaningful story but the problem is their is not terrible but bad grammar like in the very first sentence "my parents to the US for a better living"...paint a picture try to expand more on your theme...but other than that i think the plot is very touching...you could also instead of writing about all your days in general you could talk about one of the toughest days you had and how it mad you feel.
OP jinxanz 1 / 1  
Nov 13, 2011   #3
dsalcoda419
Thank you about your feedback, I just found out I didnt put the word "brought" in the first sentence. =]
I would edit my toughest day as soon as I finish my chem homework =]


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