In a concise narrative, describe your notion of 'the good life'. How will your undergraduate experience at the University of Florida prepare you to live 'the good life'?
GOOD LIFE
Growing up in a two bedroom apartment, along with a single parent, three siblings and four cousins I was always depressed. I never had new shoes, new clothes, new toys just to have. Everything I had in my reach I had to share along with my relatives. Going nights without electricity, sometimes no food, or water just so my mother can save up her hard earned checks to get the bills payed became a regular activity. Sometimes having to sleep on our rug just to stay warm. Not only can we not bathe, but we'd have to sear some clothes that doesn't look filthy over and over until electricity start back working. My mom often thought that if we go to the wash house we'll be wasting money that we could use on bills. So after constantly doing the same routines over and over we got adjusted to it, not thinking there was a way out. I begin to think thats how everyone lived. Until my mother was promoted, and all bills were getting paid on time. Ignoring the picking everyone used to do I kept my grades up. Growing up I learned keeping good grades was the best way to get into an awesome college.Later on I realized I was on my way going down the right path. As a child, hearing the term "The Good Life" I often thought of being rich, having an unlimited amount of money. Living in million dollar homes, and driving million dollar cars. Honestly, I thought of everything only a celebrity would be able to afford. Not only wealth, everyone being happy with no worries. More like, people spending money constantly.
Further more, now as I'm maturing in age I think of the Good Life as maintaining. Maintaining as in keeping a roof over your head, food and water, electricity, and an vehicle to get you from point A to B and back to A. I use to think the type of car mattered, but as I've grown I've learned thats just for a publicity stunt.
I know as I become a freshmen in college that would be my first step into preparing for the good life. I would have to do my best at every assignment I'm assigned to complete. I'd have to take advantage of every opportunity they throw at me. Interns, volunteering, etc. During, I'll have to set long term and short term goals, making it my job to reach them. My main focus during this undergraduate stage is to challenge myself. I know it would be for the better. Knowing that I would be living In a dorm I would become more sociable. Also, I would become extremely organized, keeping myself on a specific time schedule, and putting my homework and classwork before outside activity.I know abiding by the rules will discipline me. With all the prerequisites I know ill be if not ready, close enough to being ready to go on my own. The good life for me then would be , getting my degree not only my bachelors degree but my doctorate degree as well. Further more, having a house, being able to keep food, lights, water, having a good job, staying happy, being proud of myself, and congratulating myself for staying on the right track.
even if its interning for volunteer hours , or an on sight job with minimum wage pay . ----> here you talk of volunteer hours along side something everyone doesn't like(on sight job with minimum wage pay), and it makes volunteer hours look like something you wouldn't enjoy and you don't want them to see that in you.
Over all you have errors with punctuation, you put spaces before periods, and commas, and those spaces only go after not before. I don't see anything that separates you from the thousands of students applying to this university, seems pretty basic, so you should show more of your personality, because every single question universities ask you are a chance for you to show them what makes you special, they need to see why you should take the spot and not jimmy, at least that's what i think.
This is a VERY rough draft of my UF application essay. Please please please pick away at it! I want all the criticism and suggestions you have. It's really short, so any ideas on what else I should include/if I should write more about anything already mentioned are especially welcomed! Thanks so much!
Hey! I like your description of your development, the "maturing of age."
I do, however, have a few critiques in mind.
"Also, i would become even more organized in several ways. Such as, keeping myself on a specific time schedule, going to my classes on time , along with perfect attendance, putting my homework and classwork before outside activity, and most of all being able to keep materials and paper work in a safe place" --> As much as I don't want to admit, college admission officers are going to scoff at this. It's like saying "I will stop procrastinating"...It just won't happen.
Rather than just compiling things into a list, why don't you elaborate more. All the things you listed shows nothing about how ONLY the UoF can provide you this "good life". Make it more specific.
Hope this helped.
Raw Observations from a common writer, not an expert at all."Knowing that I would be living In a dorm I would become more sociable. Also, I would become extremely organized, keeping myself on a specific time schedule, and putting my homework and classwork before outside activity."
i would recommend to cut that self promo."Be concise. Omit irrelevant details, clichés, and poorly developed ideas. Do not distract the reader with unnecessary words and repetition." i have this on top my essay so I never forget this.
By writing all of that self promo you will be "Distracting the reader with unnecessary words", and you don't wanna do that.Also here ---> I'd have to take advantage of every opportunity they throw at me. Interns, volunteering, etc. -
substitute Interns for "Internships".During, I'll have to set long term and short term goals, making it my job to reach them. -
that "During" seems empty, i would rewrite it "During this time, I will set long and short term goals, making it my job to reach them."My main focus during this undergraduate stage is to challenge myself. I know it would be for the better. Knowing that I would be living In a dorm I would become more sociable. Also, I would become extremely organized, keeping myself on a specific time schedule, and putting my homework and classwork before outside activity.I know abiding by the rules will discipline me. With all the prerequisites I know ill be if not ready, close enough to being ready to go on my own. -
more like,My main focus during this undergraduate stage is to challenge myself, because i know that by doing this I will grow as a person, and in the process i will endure rules and lessons that will discipline me, and help me to get ready to go on my own.Further more, having a house, being able to keep food, lights, water, having a good job, staying happy, being proud of myself,
and congratulating myself for staying on the right track. -
I would just cut that out.there is sooo much more i would change, but i just recommend keep working on it and have it proof read by a teacher.
i have this on top my essay so never forget this
The first part of your essay responds to the prompt in a common sense manner. The latter part does not respond to the prompt as it is a futuristic view of your self and your life. The good life prompt is all about philosophical thinking in terms of how you view a good life. So your response, which is basically "The good life is about maintaining" is the part of the essay that you should look into developing. It is the part of the essay which, due to your life experiences, shows us the kind of definition you have developed over time. My advice is to delete the last paragraph that you wrote in order to make room to develop the line of thought that you have at the beginning instead.
