"A childhood experience in Bolivia" UF essay

hi! my name is michelle I'm having some trouble with my essay for UF and I'm not sure if I should change my topic or not. here is the prompt and this is what i have been working on:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Ever since I can remember, my mother has taught me to care for and love my family and to treat everyone with kindness, respect and dignity. These customs have stayed with me throughout my life and have influenced me to be the person I am today: dedicated, responsible, and honest.

I clearly remember the time when I traveled back to my home country, Bolivia, for Christmas with my family. A group of children and teenagers knocked on the door of our house to play traditional music for us as a way to earn some money to buy food for their families. As they played, my mother went inside the house and took a bag of toys my sister and I had, and she asked us to give them all the toys as a gift. I went directly to the little girl my age and gave her a toy, feeling a sense of joy and pride I never experienced before. At that moment, I was only in pre-school and had everything a girl would want, a home and a loving family. That's when I realized that the majority of the children in the world were not as fortunate as I was. I knew that there was no way I could fix this problem all by myself, but I also knew that somehow I could help in my own way.

After this experience, I knew I wanted to continue to help in the future. This dedication I developed in helping others and expressing acts of kindness continued towards my commitment in academics. My mom has always told me that if I wanted to accomplish any goal in my life and be successful, education was extremely important. Her words have stayed in my mind since then, and now I am constantly challenging myself to work hard. Because of their constant support, I strive myself to work hard, be successful and achieve my goals in life, creating a balance in my dedication in academics and helping others.

The University of Florida is widely recognized as an institution that is dedicated to serving the interests of society.

Although I'm not very good at peer editing other people's essay, I would try to do the best that I can do. :)

Your first sentence sounds a little awkward. Try to switch the words around like "ever since I could remember, my mother has taught me to love and care for my family and to treat everyone with dignity, respect and kindness."

Instead of saying "had a girl would want," I would say "had everything a girl could have"

And instead of "I knew that there was no way I could fix this problem all by myself, but I also knew that somehow I could help in my own way," I would revise it as "I knew that there was no way I could fix this problem alone, but I am confident that somehow I would find a way."

Overall, I think it's pretty good. I would be more specific on what the "commitment in academics" are because if UF likes community service stuff, it would be good to embellish upon it. I hope you can read my essay and help me too and good luck! :D

It's good to avoid this cliche... can you find a unique way to express the same idea? That will help capture the reader's attention.

, and now I am constantly challenging myself to work hard. Because of their constant----Maybe it will be better to find a word other than constant so taht you don't repeat it twice awkwardly.

... support, I strive myself to work hard, be successful and achieve my goals in life, creating a balance in my dedication in to academics and helping others.

:-)