'the choice to change the world' Spelman College Transfer Essay

I've been working on this essay for some time and always find myself starting over again. Spelman is my dream school and I got deferred and later on denied last year...any help with my essay is greatly appreciated. I have an idea of what I am trying to get it to be like but my thoughts are all over the place.

Prompt: In determining who may enroll at Spelman as a transfer student, faculty review each application and essay. Please share with our faculty why you would be an outstanding student in their classes, discuss your college experience thus far and provide your reason for wanting to transfer to Spelman College.

exceptional privileges for an outstanding student

At Spelman College, women are given the choice to change the world. I aspire to change the world throughout various minority communities upon gaining knowledge from such a prestigious institution. Spelman College breeds illustrious women who are willing to take on the torch and continue to light the flame that keeps on burning. I too, aspire to do the same.

Throughout my first full-time semester in college, I learned to take on the torch. I learned to allow the flame to continue to burn in the midst of my hands, making me accountable for everything that I do. Through my rough days, I learned to not let this flame burn me, but instead control it by pushing myself far beyond whatever limits my mind could forego.

A year ago, I was denied from Spelman College and instead of being discouraged, I used this moment to rekindle my flame. I had to take a step away from who I was and look towards who I wanted to become. I refused to become another sob story that did not get accepted into their dream school due to lack of motivation and performance. Instead, I decided to become motivation for other young girls by being a prime example of the saying "it's not where you start, it's where you finish".

After April 2, 2016; determination was the only thing that kept me going. Two weeks after graduating from high school, I enrolled myself at a community college not too far from my home, despite getting into nine other schools I had applied to. Instead of taking a gap year, I decided to make 2016 my "comeback" year; and I must say, I was on point.

I began my fall semester at a 4.0 gpa after taking a difficult condensed nine-week math course. Soon after, fall semester began and I took twelve credits. On top of working part-time, volunteering, being involved in church activities, and working out, I was also a full-time student. In the midst of everything going on around me, I managed to stay focused and finished my first semester with all A's and one C.

Looking back at my educational journey thus far, I cannot help but be grateful for the admission decision that was made for me during that time period. During that time, I was battling a numerous amount of personal problems ranging from suicide attempts to depression as a result of the loss of my child. Losing my son sent me in a downward spiral in which I felt as though I had nothing else to look forward to in life. I had truly lost sight of my dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Getting denied from Spelman is what allowed me to re-evaluate my life and I am forever grateful.

I would be an outstanding student at Spelman because I have learned that I cannot be an average performer and expect exceptional privileges. Attending Spelman College is a privilege that only the cream of the crop can experience. I believe that my first semester in college has proven to myself and others that I am no longer "average". Despite my failures in life thus far, I have found it within myself to keep pushing forward regardless of my circumstances.

Hi Marie, since professors will be reviewing your transfer application it will be best if you stick an academic discussion that properly adheres to the prompt requirements. What would be the best way to do this? The way I see it, you should consider your current major and, if you will not be changing majors at Spelman College, you should discuss your academic strengths and social or student community accomplishments along with it. When you discuss your college experience delve more into the accomplishments that you may have achieved up to this point. As a transfer student, you are expected to be an asset to the college and, as the prompt implies, the professors are looking for reasons to consider you as a potential academic achiever at their university. Do your best to reflect the fact that you can be both an academic and social achiever within their campus. So present academic achievements, mention your classes that have the best possible grades you have to offer and explain your social participation at your current university and why you feel that you can continue to do these activities at Spelman.

Right now, the essay is definitely unfocused. Your first half doesn't really jive with the prompt requirements and only serves to be a lengthy introduction to the slightly more focused later portion. It is important that you revise the essay so that you directly address the expectations of the professors who will be considering your application. Make sure that you call their attention to the pertinent reasons within the first few sentences of your essay because without it, the essay ends up wandering almost aimlessly while you try to make your point. Don't waste their time with flowery words, they have a pretty hefty number of applicants for transfer to consider.

@Holt
Okay thank you! I'll start working on fixing it up right now.

@Holt

[...]

On top of being a scholar, life also began to come full circle for me. My very non-profit organization that I had diligently been working on called SISTA2SISTA since last year began to become more of a reality than just a dream. Although it is still a very small project, I plan to take it all the way to South Africa where there is little to no healthcare available for women and their children. Although my current school is not a historical black college/university , I have been able to share my thoughts and opinions on actions that should be taken within clubs such as Black Student Union and Planned Parenthood, as a member.

* Dont know if i should put more information here *

Attending Spelman college as a transfer student would be far beyond life changing and would truly be a dream come true. Spelman college changed my life entirely, by forcing me to realize my true potential harbored deep within that I never really took the time to look into. Spelman did not give me a short cut, nor did they baby me. Spelman made me fight for what I wanted...

Marie, this a pretty good revision. There are two points that I believe should not be presented here though mainly because you are supposed to focus the discussion your academic experience alone. It is my opinion that you should remove the reference to working out and Sistah2Sistah in the essay. If you review the prompt, you will realize that you are being asked to focus on your academic accomplishments, not your socio-civic life, at this point. In fact, you can remove the whole of paragraph 3 without affecting the overall message of the essay. In fact, the essay will be much more focused on the prompt target. The same goes for paragraph 6 because it deals with your non profit organization, which has no bearing on your college accomplishments. If you mentioned those things in your CV, then you are sure that the information will be part of the considerations during the deliberation. Indicating that information in this essay when it is not required will only serve to hamper the message of your essay.

@Holt
Great thanks :) & okay I'll begin working on revising it again.

@Holt

I worked on the essay a bit some more. I think I made all the revisions that you gave me. I just typed with whatever flow I had at the moment. Please review and let me know what you think. Also, I can't thank you enough for all your advice! :)

At Spelman College, women are given a choice to change the world. I aspire to change the world with expertise in healthcare as an obstetrician/gynecologist. I currently attend College of Southern Maryland which is a small community college not too far away from my home. My current major is biology, however I do plan to become an economics major on a pre-med track upon transferring to Spelman College.

My journey to Spelman College has been quite challenging, but nonetheless rewarding. I was deferred from Spelman last year and later on denied for freshman admission for the 2016-2017 scholastic year. Despite getting into nine other schools, I took my rejection letter from Spelman and made it my source of motivation to become a better "me" not only for myself but also for my family. I truly had to take a step away from who I currently was and who I wanted to become.

Taking a step away from who I was heavily dealt with my lack of motivation for succeeding in my academics and in my personal life. I managed to overcome this struggle with my first college math course that I enrolled myself in only two weeks after graduating from high school. As difficult as this course was for me considering the fact that math is my "struggle" subject, I managed to be one of the very few students that passed the course with an A, putting my grade point average at a 4.0 before the fall semester even began. The countless number of times that I wanted to give up, I had to keep telling myself "a Spelmanite never gives up!". As cliche as this saying may sound, this same very saying has become my motto through my roughest times - not only in my academics but also in life.

Fall semester was no different from my condensed summer math course. On top of working 30 hours a week at Victoria's Secret as a sales specialist, volunteering weekly at MedStar Southern Maryland Hospital as an Emergency Room volunteer, putting together the touches on my non-profit organization SISTA2SISTA, and still involving myself in church activities - I was also a full-time student.

To much of my surprise, I did not complain as much as the "old me" would have a year ago. One thing came after another (...)

For the first time in my life, I felt like I truly worked for something. I could not believe that I had made the dean's list. Time and time again, I was told that I was not going to make it with the types of classes I was taking as a first-time freshman in college. However, a Spelmanite does not believe in the word "can't" and I had to make that my reality.

Attending the number one HBCU in the nation as a transfer student would be far beyond life changing and would truly become a dream come true. Spelman college changed my life entirely, by forcing me to realize my true potential harbored deep within that I never really took the time to look into. Spelman did not give me a short cut, nor did they baby me. Spelman made me realize that I cannot be an average performer and expect exceptional privileges. Attending Spelman College would be the utmost exceptional privilege. Learning this very same lesson is what forced me to strive to become extraordinary.

Although I am still learning my strengths and weaknesses, I finally believe in myself and I see that I have the potential to be great. I would be an outstanding Spelman student simply because I have the drive and the determination to do wonderful things despite the obstacles that may come my way. For once in my life, I am not only ready to serve, but I am also ready to make the choice to change the world.

I asked you to remove the reference to your organization Sista2Sista in my previous advice. Why is it still in this essay? Well you did remove the reference to the gym so I guess you just forgot to remove the reference to the organization. I mean, you are presenting information that doesn't relate to your college academics and it is not a required prompt element, so it should not be there. This is something you are doing outside of the academic world so the reviewer is not interested in it. He wants to know if you can academically make the grade and function in Spelman, so don't muddle the issue with irrelevant discussions. Once you remove that reference, I am confident that the essay will already be in its final form.

@Holt Okay well that's the part I didn't catch. Sooo is it any better now?

(...)

Taking a step away from who I was heavily dealt with my lack of motivation for succeeding ...

Fall semester was no different from my condensed summer math course. To much of my surprise, I did not complain as much as the "old me" would have a year ago. One thing came after another and I simply had to adjust in order to keep up with the flow no matter what. I did my very best to attend almost every office hour possible to the point where my professors knew me and my struggles personally. My professors would always tell me to never give up, each and every time they saw the defeat in my eyes from either lack of sleep or stress. I managed to stay focused and ended up passing the fall semester with a 3.5 grade point average, putting my cumulative at a 3.6. I received three A's and one C, in my algebra course. Spelman women are not average women and do not receive average grades; however for my first full-time semester in college I think I did pretty well. Considering the fact that I jumped directly into my "pre-med" required classes first-hand as a college freshman, I truly believe that I can only go up from here.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I truly worked for something. I could not believe that I had ...

(...)

Yes. This is a definite improvement that can help to enhance your essay presentation. Go ahead and use this to replace the paragraph that we previously had in question. I believe that your work is now at the place where it best responds to the prompt requirement. It clearly shows your development as a student who was first refused admission and is now seeking to transfer to the university. The method by which you improved your academic requirements is admirable and should help your other documents come consideration time. It is best that you now finalize the content of the essay for use with your application. In my opinion, there is nothing left to adjust in the work. So you can go ahead and use this already. Good luck with your transfer application.

@Holt
Thank you very much - for your guidance and assistance on my essay!!