Holding you in my arms, I think back to ten months ago. Ten months ago when you were the last thing I wanted here. Ten months ago when the thought of your presence summoned a million fears inside of me. And though it should be easier, I can now list ten million more fears even scarier than the first because I know how I feel about you. I understand that you could not choose the family you were born into, and you could not control the time you arrived in this world. It is strange. In the beginning, I wanted nothing to do with you. I despised you even. In the womb is where I wanted you to stay. However, I look at you and see so much innocence I wish remained in me. I realize it is neither of our faults. I still do not always know how to feel, but there are permanent feelings under the shallow. Every tomorrow I will miss you and every tomorrow I will wonder if our childhoods will be the same. If the first four years of your life will be like mine. I wonder if you will think of me as brave for going so far away or find it selfish to leave you to be molded all alone. I hope this decision to leave will not haunt me. I hope that your face does not keep my feet planted when it is time to say goodbye. It saddens me to remember that i will not see you grow and that you will not know who I am come Thanksgiving or Christmas.
When the word first spread about my mother's pregnancy, I was bombarded with questions and comments about how I felt. I often heard sentences starting with "you must feel so..." or "I bet it's weird...". I would tell them yes, I do feel so and so and yes, it is weird. The way I thought I would feel with a baby here is entirely different than I actually do feel now. I thought I would feel detached and resentful even after she was born, but it didn't take long for me to realize I was upset for all the wrong reasons. I was upset at my mother for having a kid almost sixteen years after her last and not having a stable family to raise the child with. I was scared that I would become too attached and protective and not leave for college, or worse, we would be so broke I would not be able to go to college at all. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings provoked me and it was not until my sister was born that my internal confusion subsided and I knew exactly how I was supposed to feel.
It may seem surreal that a baby with only a few weeks of living could have a great impact on someone almost eighteen years their senior. It is from this tiny sister of mine that I have learned life may take me on unfamiliar, daunting paths but it is my destiny to make best of the place I am led to. I did not ask for my world to be turned upside down which is why I now know my little parallel did quite the opposite. She put the world back on its axis to spin in normal cycles again. It is from her laughter that I learned to smile even in a storm. It is from her quivering bottom lip that I learned to grasp on to those I hold close to my heart. And it is from her big, blue eyes that I learned to see beyond the surface of trivial matters.
When the word first spread about my mother's pregnancy, I was bombarded with questions and comments about how I felt. I often heard sentences starting with "you must feel so..." or "I bet it's weird...". I would tell them yes, I do feel so and so and yes, it is weird. The way I thought I would feel with a baby here is entirely different than I actually do feel now. I thought I would feel detached and resentful even after she was born, but it didn't take long for me to realize I was upset for all the wrong reasons. I was upset at my mother for having a kid almost sixteen years after her last and not having a stable family to raise the child with. I was scared that I would become too attached and protective and not leave for college, or worse, we would be so broke I would not be able to go to college at all. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings provoked me and it was not until my sister was born that my internal confusion subsided and I knew exactly how I was supposed to feel.
It may seem surreal that a baby with only a few weeks of living could have a great impact on someone almost eighteen years their senior. It is from this tiny sister of mine that I have learned life may take me on unfamiliar, daunting paths but it is my destiny to make best of the place I am led to. I did not ask for my world to be turned upside down which is why I now know my little parallel did quite the opposite. She put the world back on its axis to spin in normal cycles again. It is from her laughter that I learned to smile even in a storm. It is from her quivering bottom lip that I learned to grasp on to those I hold close to my heart. And it is from her big, blue eyes that I learned to see beyond the surface of trivial matters.
