When I think about what I look for in a college, many aspects play a role in my decision. It has to be a place that not only provides me with the tools to succeed academically, but also to be a well-rounded individual in society. It is also important that the college is a place that has morals. It has to be a place where I can feel like I am part of a family. These things are important to me because I live in a society where I've learned to appreciate people and the way they perceive the world that we share. It has allowed me to get an understanding of life from many aspects. I put much time into finding a college that possesses these characteristics.
As a result of my effortful research, I found that the University of Central Florida is the right choice for me. Not only is UCF highly reputable academically, but it is a place that reflects morality. The fact that it was founded as a non-segregated university symbolizes its respect for unity and its desire to give everyone equal opportunities from the start. I admire the fact that the vast selection of degree programs and the diversity of the student body will not only allow people to explore their options, but it would allow me to learn from others, meanwhile pursuing a degree in Health Services Administration. The HSA program at UCF has an impeccable reputation and will give me the key to open many doors to my future as a successful Health Services Administrator. The location of the university would allow me to take advantage of the renowned and extensive internship opportunities, while simultaneously make a visit to my family easily accessible. I know that after leaving UCF, I will be able to take on any battle as I live up to my name as a Golden Knight.
Suggestions and comments please.
When I think about what I look for in a college, many aspects play a role in my decision.
Is there any student in the world for whom this isn't true? Do you really want to use some of your precious words making such an empty statement? Do you really want to start your essay with such a weak statement?
No! Start with something unique about yourself or your desire to attend UCF. Also, go through the whole piece and change as many of your "is" and "has" sentences to sentences with action verbs.
You're right. That first sentence is a given.I'm not so sure what you mean about the "is" and "has" suggestion. Can you give me an example please? Thank you!!!
"is" and "has" are weak verbs. Simone is saying you should replace them with stronger ones, and she is quite right.
Before: "It has to be a place that not only provides me with the tools to succeed academically, but also to be a well-rounded individual in society. It is also important that the college is a place that has morals. It has to be a place where I can feel like I am part of a family. These things are important to me because I live in a society where I've learned to appreciate people and the way they perceive the world that we share. It has allowed me to get an understanding of life from many aspects. I put much time into finding a college that possesses these characteristics."
After: My ideal college must provide me with the tools to succeed academically and to develop into a well-rounded individual. It must also be a moral environment, one that makes me feel like part of a diverse family. I value this because I believe that intellectual growth can occur only through ongoing attempts to understand different perspectives. Therefore, I have spent much time seeking a college that possesses these characteristics.
The revised version is much better stylistically speaking. Of course, it still doesn't make much logical sense, and consists of vague generalizations that weaken your essay, making the best revision this one:
Still, as you write something better to replace this, bear in mind the stylistic tips you have been given.
Wow it reads way better now!!! Thank You!!!! Can you explain why it doesn't seem logical and how I can change those vague generalizations?
Any comments about the second paragraph?
Does it sound better like this? And does it answer the question well enough
?
My ideal college must provide me with the tools to succeed academically and to develop into a well-rounded individual. As a result of my effortful research, I found that the University of Central Florida is the right choice for me. Not only is UCF highly reputable academically, but it is a place that reflects morality. The fact that it was founded as a non-segregated university symbolizes its respect for unity and its desire to give everyone equal opportunities from the start. I admire the fact that the vast selection of degree programs and the diversity of the student body will not only allow people to explore their options, but it would allow me to learn from others, meanwhile pursuing a degree in Health Services Administration. The HSA program at UCF has an impeccable reputation and will give me the key to open many doors to my future as a successful Health Services Administrator. The location of the university would allow me to take advantage of the renowned and extensive internship opportunities, while simultaneously make a visit to my family easily accessible. I know that after my experience at UCF, I will be able to take on any battle as I live up to my name as a Golden Knight.
My ideal college must provide me with the tools to succeed academically and to develop into a well-rounded individual.
Quite ummm...unexciting and obvious.
The fact that it was founded as a non-segregated university symbolizes its respect for unity and its desire to give everyone equal opportunities from the start.
Something about this seems a little off. I think that many schools desire to give everyone equal opportunities regardless of their beginnings.
The location of the university would allow me to take advantage of the renowned and extensive internship opportunities, while simultaneously make a visit to my family easily accessible.
Including your family is a little random. Unless you hope to provide health services for them :]
I don't understand how I can get more specific. My major is Health Services Administration. I am about to graduate with my AA from Broward College in December. The choices that I have to transfer to are UCF, FIU, FAU and FAMU. FIU and FAU are too close to home and I'm tired of South Florida. I'm from New York so life down here is too slow for me. I'm not going out-of-state because I don't want to pay out-of-state fees. And no offense at all but FAMU is predominantly African American. I want to be in a multi-cultural environment. I looked up UCF in the Princeton Review and compared it to the rest and UCF is the best fit for me. So what am I supposed to say in my essay?
I'm sorry to have made you frustrated. I don't want you to be more specific. I was merely pointing out things that I thought needed to be said in a better way.
Lol... I'm not frustrated by what you said. I appreciate your feedback. I'm getting frustrated because I don't know what to say to make my essay not so generic and I don't want to be blunt either. So now I'm stuck.