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"Church and Family"-UC prompt 1, "Being Observant"-UC prompt 2


Dracomancern 1 / -  
Nov 27, 2010   #1
Could someone look at my essays? Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!

#1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

UC Essay Prompt #1: Church and Family
Looking back on my life, I realize that several people have shaped and molded me into the person I am today. However, my community and family were the main contributors to my life, whom shaped my dreams and aspirations for the future. If it wasn't for them, my vision of becoming a determined worker and engineer would have never surfaced into being.

My church was my community. Every Sunday, my family went to church to listen to the pastor's sermons. For me, every single sermon I heard was a new life lesson from a kind and endearing teacher. As I listened, I learned that life is harsh, but overcoming hardships would receive satisfaction and success. This solidified my intentions of learning, to understand the world and everyone who lived in it. My church also ran annual trips to certain places around the world to help other less fortunate individuals. One of my most memorable adventures was a trip to San Francisco with my grade group. We assisted many homeless; feeding them, talking with them, and learning from them. They taught me that you must reach for a successful and enjoyable dream, which spurred me to follow my dream of becoming an engineer. During the trip, our leader sent us out with a meager amount of money to buy lunch. With eight people per group, we anguished at the little money we were given. However, they led us to small grocery stores, where we bought a loaf of bread, peanut butter, jam, plastic knives, and a two-liter bottle of soda that fed the entire group and even left us with leftover money and food. In order to expand my horizons, I discovered that I must think outside the box so I can make the best of little supplies received.

My family has been the foundation of my life and one of my biggest inspirations. Though I do understand the concept of hard work and dedication, that doesn't mean I follow through for my expectations. However, my parents were once foreign exchange students, flying over to the United States during their college years into a new world unknown to them. Whenever I think about that and my pampered and sheltered life, it spurs me to be more independent and find my niche in life. My dad is my role model for my dreams to be an engineer. He tells me that I need to be smart in order to achieve my dreams of becoming an engineer just like him. Without his guidance, I would have never discovered the importance of technology and my aspirations of becoming an engineer.

Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

UC Prompt Essay #2: Observant
Whenever you look, there is information that can be observed from any place or situation. Many people will barely take a first glance at their surroundings, only to look at what is directly in front of them. In life, I have learned that observing everything can help teach you something new every day, just by looking around and connecting the knowledge gained through life. Opening your mind to view your surroundings can provide insight into perceiving the situation in order to tackle it head on.

Observing even the smallest details can assist anyone in solving complicated problems. My dad and I were working in his shop, fixing up machines that would be used for the tomato harvesting machines in the field. The machine's main function is to recognize the color on the tomatoes and throw away any unripe. My dad had been working on one of these machines when he discovered it wouldn't work. These machines were expensive, and I knew my dad wouldn't buy any more machines. I happened to be passing by when I realized my dad was having trouble. As I glanced over, I noticed a couple of wires hidden inside the machine, unnoticeable by my dad's view. I pointed them out to my dad, and he immediately recognized the problem. He reconnected the wires together, and it was back up and running.

If I had not been able to discern the situations around me, I may not have been here today. My father traveled to a junkyard to pick up an engine for a very nice car model, which was a Mercedes Benz '98. He had bought the car used, but the car was previously inspected and many parts of the engine were replaced to ensure top performance. However, one part that was replaced was the wrong model, and it destroyed the engine. My dad immediately took the opportunity to find another engine and replace the old, ruined one; I accompanied my father so I could learn more about cars. The engine was bought, and was transported to our house. When we received the engine, my dad brought his truck in, and we proceeded to place the engine into the truck. Using a hydraulic crane, I slowly began lifting the engine up onto the back of the truck. While this action took place, I noticed that the engine was chained and hooked poorly to the crane. After that moment, the chain slipped on the crane, which swung around and almost smashed my face. If I had not been observant, it could have seriously injured me. The engine was soon stabilized and finally lifted into the truck to be sent to an auto shop.

Looking at the finer details can be applied to everyday life in just about every situation. My personal trait of being observant will serve me as a useful tool to overcome any situation with determination. Throughout my studies and work, I can utilize this special trait and become a successful university student in order to reach my goals.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
Every Sunday, my family...

^This is not related to how this aspect of your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Looking back on my life, I realize that several people have shaped and molded me into the person I am today. However, my community and family were the main contributors to my life, whom shaped my dreams and aspirations for the future. If it wasn't for them, my vision of becoming a determined worker and engineer would have never surfaced into being.

^This is all quite cliched and hence, boring. I suggest removing it, or finding a better way to write it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 11, 2010   #3
I agree with Faisal about this part: Looking back on my life, I realize that several people have shaped and molded me into the person I am today. ---It is a wasted sentence, because all it does is make a simple statement that anyone could say. So... do not waste any sentences, because the reader is looking to have an experience.

Howeve My community and family were the main contributors to my life, whom shaped my dreams and aspirations for the future. If it wasn't for them, my vision of becoming a determined worker and to contribute to progress and sustainability as an engineer. would have never surfaced into being.

Above, I trimmed the sentence down to a size that makes it powerful. If you convey a meaningful idea in a single, good sentence, it is good writing. But if it takes a whole paragraph to make that statement, it is inefficient writing, difficult to read.

My community and family shaped my aspiration to contribute to progress and sustainability as an engineer. (now add a few sentences to explain your theme clearly for the reader. Explain the message you want the reader to remember.)

The story you tell is excellent. I think you should use more paragraphs, though, for the sake of good organization.

This is a statement of the obvious, but it can be fixed easily:
Whenever you look, there is information that can be observed from any place or situation.

Whenever you look, t There is useful information that most people overlook in any place or situation. Many people will barely take a first glance at their surroundings, only to look at what is directly in front of them. ----hahah, I am one of those people. I walk right past my own apartment sometimes when I am on my way home...

...become a successful university student in order to reach my goals.-----I like your way of telling stories and expressing your interests. These essays are great. When someone writes well and expresses a good idea, I often recommend including some citations of books or articles that pertain to your essay's theme. Publications can be good examples to help make your point, and it also shows the reader that you are intelligent enough to read articles about what interests you.

And you should specify a little more about exactly what you want to do, because that will make you more impressive, and I think you deserve to have everyone impressed with you because you are so thoughtful and reflective. I bet you are going to do very well!


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