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"From Vietnam to the US" Family, UC prompt #1 - "motivation"


lhn 1 / -  
Nov 27, 2010   #1
Hi um can you review my essay and be very critical on my essay.

Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Being the first United States citizen in my family, I knew there would be a lot of new things in stored compared to the life my parents had in Vietnam. My mom, barely spoke English, dropped out of high school and started her own nail shop. My dad went to college for a few years and decided to stay at home to look after my sister and me. When I was a kid, no older than 6, my family and I would always have a picnic in our backyard. Like every other kid, I found my backyard to be a place of tranquility, comeliness, and family bonding. But for them, a backyard was just another place to glance at and walk away. For me, my backyard was, and continues to be, a haven of joy and family bonding, as well as the catalyst of my future aspiration.

It seemed liked another average day; my mom was cooking soup in the kitchen, and I was playing with my sibling. My sibling walked behind my mother as she carried a bowl of boiling soup to me, and I, eager for soup, walked towards her. We collided, and in an instant I was soaked in soup. I was rushed to the hospital, and on the way to the hospital there was a point where I felt like I was fading away. I woke up with bandages around my body; I was covered with second degree burns. During my time at the hospital I had an impending rage due to the pain I was experiencing; neither my parents nor the nurses could do anything about it. My parents persuaded me to attend mental therapy where I performed breathing exercises and expressed my feelings towards a therapist. At one point I went into a state of solitude and I avoided all contact with anybody, even my parents. I felt as if there was no point to live, and I realized that I wasn't the happy, carefree boy I used to be. Several years later I met the doctor who performed surgery on me. He told me something I would never forget. He said, "Whenever there is a person who gets into an accident, I just want to be there in time to save their life".

As a result of this conversation, I developed my dream to become a hero just like him. I motivated, and pushed myself in order to actualize this dream. I started to take all the difficult classes that I could. I was determined. This doctor had saved my life; he is a real hero to me. My dream is not only to become a doctor, but to be a hero. I want to save lives, just like the doctor who saved mine.

mpleleaf04 1 / 3  
Nov 28, 2010   #2
I really like the personal voice you put in to this essay. I can really tell this is the true Lam speaking to me as I read this. The only thing I would suggest is look through for gramatical mistakes. you have a few comma splices in the first paragraph. Also, instead of using the word sibling, use the word "sister.'

Good Luck
angelusfanatic 3 / 14  
Nov 28, 2010   #3
Make sure to focus on yourself throughout the entire essay. You tell a story for most of your essay and don't connect how it has made you unique in shaping your dreams and aspirations. Either weave this throughout your essay or don't have such a long lead in to this point. Otherwise I like your essay a lot and I think if you get it right your story of your world will come out perfect.


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