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"Coping in foreign land" - UC prompt 1 and "Realizing my dream" - UC prompt 2


marthy00 1 / 2  
Oct 30, 2011   #1
Can you review my 2 prompts?
I did the 2nd prompt so it became too long.
can you help me tweaking it?

Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to San Antonio International Airport. Local time is 9:45 P.M and the temperature is 87 degrees Fahrenheit...." This is the last announcement made by the flight attendant when the plane reached the destination. This also marked my first arrival to the land of opportunity. My parents and I immigrated from the Philippines to U.S two years ago with the hope of starting again from scratch. But the reality struck us. My parents was only able to find proper job after searching for three months. Thankfully, my aunt is there to support us. As for me, I can only hardly cope up in the new environment that bore before me. When someone started to talk to me, I got nervous. I sometimes cannot comprehend what they are saying and cannot answer very well. It seems that all the English lessons I learned in school disappeared. I, who is naturally sociable in my homeland became a loner in the school in a foreign land. But little by little, I started to gain some friends in school and also excelled in my studies. I realized how hard it is living in a foreign land that I know nothing off. By imagining my parents' hardships, I was able to focus on my study. I became more studious and more determined than ever before. Hoping that I will succeed and achieve my dream that I decided when my mother was hospitalized. Even though it will be hard to achieve the dream of being a doctor, If it is possible, I will do anything to make that dream come true and make my papa and mama proud.

Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

2005, I remember it like it was yesterday. We were still living in the Philippines and life for me was just great! I have two loving sisters and wonderful parents. My mother is a stay at home parent and she takes care of everything in the house. My father, he is a merchant marine. He would be gone for months and months and come home to us once a year. One day my mom collapsed. She was pale as a white paper. She was sent to the hospital immediately. She underwent blood transfusion and a little IV therapy. The doctor prescribed her a medication for anemia. My mom is back to normal after a few days and returned to her daily routines. We too all thought that it will be the last of it or so we thought. My mom had a frequent headache and her personality changes. She sometimes became irrational and acted like a child. She also began neglected her responsibility and and her personal hygiene. We thought that she is just stressed out because of her fight with dad before he boarded to ship again. But she continued to change that we hardly recognize her. Later that year my sis decided to bring her to a psychiatrist. After a series of examination, the doctor can't seem to find any irregularities in her mental health. The doctor suggested us to get her a CT scan examination. We waited for a couple of days before we can get the results. During the days we were waiting for the result, all I can think of is that I hope it's nothing serious. My sister is shocked at the result of the examination. My mother was diagnosed with brain tumor, it was caused by an abnormal growth of tissue in the brain. It is said that some tumors can be cancerous (malignant) or noncancerous (benign). Thankfully, her case is not a malignant type. It is also a good thing that my dad is member of a seamen union and has an insurance for our family so we didn't have any financial problems. I continued studying like usual, because I didn't want to cause more trouble to my elder sister and my father who is still overseas because of work. I suppressed my anxiety and just prayed fervently. As the day of the operation arrived, I stayed home and call other elder sister who is the one who stayed in the hospital every 30 minutes or so. I can't calm down that day. I always imagined the worst case scenario that can during the operation. Then I got a call from my sis after several hours of impatiently waiting for the news. "It was a success!" she exclaimed. My mother woke up few hours after the surgery and seemed okay. The next day, I visited my mom in the ICU in order to congratulate her for the success of the operation. I wasn't able to kiss or hug her because of safety issues, but I was glad that the operation is a success. After that, Me and my sis went to see the tumor that the neurosurgeon got in my mom's head. It was about the size of an onion and reddish in color. Instead of getting fazed by it, I was astonished by the sight of it. I wasn't able able to see the doctor to thank him properly enough. My mom was discharged from the hospital after two weeks of the operation. She was able to move normally, but the effects of the tumor and surgery can be clearly seen. But I was glad that she was strong enough to survive it. Everyday she kept getting better and better and she was almost like the way she was before. I was thankful to the doctor who got the tumor out of her brain. Watching my mother recovered from one of the deadliest disease made me happy and I thought that I wanted to be a doctor someday so I can help other people who has the same problem that we had. I became more interested with the idea of being a doctor someday. I realized my aspiration in life is to become someone who can save lives.

matildamay 1 / 3  
Oct 30, 2011   #2
My parents was only able== My parents were only able
I, who is naturally sociable in my homeland became a loner in the school in a foreign land.= Reword
We too all thought that it will be the last of it or so we thought.= We too-reword
Later that year my sis= My sister
rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Oct 30, 2011   #3
I really enjoyed reading both prompts. I really liked your first prompt. I could really relate to it because I am also a recent immigrant. I guess it's safe to assume that English is not your first language. For a non-native English speaker, you are an amazing writer!

The 1st prompt flows smoothly and is definitely memorable. It actually shares a theme with my common app essay. That one's solid.

The 2nd prompt is too detailed at times. If I were you, I would condense the essay and focus only on how the incident in the hospital affected me.

Colleges want to know you as a person. Unfortunately, they don't really care about what happened to your mother. Do mention the details in the hospital, but don't over-do it. Keep it simple with vivid descriptions.

Overall, both essays had great ideas and the transitions were great.

I would appreciate any help or criticisms with my Common App essay. It's actually pretty similar to your 1st prompt. Thanks :)
OP marthy00 1 / 2  
Oct 30, 2011   #4
Thank you very much for replying o.O

This really helped me a lot.
I tried tweaking it and i hope it improves a little o.O
Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to San Antonio International Airport. Local time is 9:45 P.M and the temperature is 87 degrees Fahrenheit...." This is the last announcement made by the flight attendant when the plane reached the destination. This also marked my first arrival to the land of opportunity. My parents and I immigrated from the Philippines to U.S two years ago with the hope of starting again from scratch and have an American dream like the ones I heard or read about America. But reality struck us, my parents were only able to find proper job after searching for three months. Thankfully, my aunt is there to support us.

As for me, I can only hardly cope up in the new environment that bore before me. When someone started to talk to me, I got nervous. I sometimes cannot comprehend what they are saying and cannot answer very well. It seems that all the English lessons I learned in school disappeared. I even start stuttering in my sentences sometimes. I started to realize how hard it is to adapt in a foreign land that I know nothing off. A place filled with different people and cultures than my own. Homesickness struck sometimes. I had a lot of friends back there, but now I became a loner here. But little by little, I started to gain some friends in school and also excelled in my studies.

By imagining my parents' hardships, I was able to focus on my study. I became more studious and more determined than ever before. Hoping that I will succeed and achieve my dream that I decided when my mother was hospitalized. Even though it will be hard to achieve the goal of becoming a doctor, but with the opportunity that my parents bestowed to me by coming here through their blood and sweats, I will make it happen. I will become a doctor who will help and save many lives. That is my goal and dream that my parents made it possible for me to fulfill that I deemed impossible to achieve back in my country.

Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

2005, I remember it like it was yesterday. We were still living in the Philippines and life for me was just great! I have two loving sisters and a wonderful parents. My mother is a stay at home parent and she takes care of everything in the house. My father, he is a merchant marine. He'd be gone for months and months and come home to us once a year.

One day my mom collapsed. She was pale as a white paper. She was sent to the hospital immediately. She underwent blood transfusion and a little IV therapy. The doctor prescribed her a medication for anemia. My mom is back to normal after a few days and returned to her daily routines. We too all thought that it will be the last of it or so we thought. My mother later experienced symptoms that we do not know about. She sometimes experience severe headaches and changes in personality. One of our relatives suggested to bring her to the hospital. The doctor did a CT scan. The result was brain tumor, it is caused by an abnormal growth of tissue in the brain. It is said that some tumors can be cancerous (malignant) or noncancerous (benign). Thankfully, her case is not a malignant type. It is also a good thing that my dad is member of a seamen union and has an insurance for our family so we didn't have any financial problems. I continued studying like usual, because I didn't want to cause more trouble to my elder sister and my father who is still overseas because of work. I suppressed my anxiety and just prayed fervently. The day of the operation arrived, and it was a success. A week passed by, I was able to visit my mom in the ICU in order to congratulate her for the success of the operation. I wasn't able to kiss or hug her because of safety issues, but I was glad that the operation is a success. After that, Me and my sister went to see the tumor that the neurosurgeon got in my mom's head. It was about the size of an onion and reddish in color. I was astonished by the sight of it. I also wanted to see the doctor but I wasn't able able to see and thank him.

My mom was discharged from the hospital the week after. Me and my sister took care of her. I watched her recover little by little. My sister took care of the things only women can do, like changing my mother's clothes or give her a bath. I took care of the things that I can do. I help my mom to eat since she still cannot move her body properly and help my sister bringing her to bed. I was glad that she was strong enough to survive it. Everyday, she kept getting better and better and she was almost like the way she was before. Watching my mother recover from that made me happy and this experience made me realized how precious life is. This invaluable experience led me to the conclusion of wanting to be someone who can help and save lives in the future. Be it a doctor, a nurse, or even veterinarian. My career goals may change but my idea of wanting to save lives is not.
pavanjot 2 / 4  
Oct 30, 2011   #5
I like it alot, but i feel like you could expand the first one. I hope i see you in a uc sometime next year lol
OP marthy00 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2011   #6
After a lot of time procrastinating, I finally did my third drafts of my essays.
Please review it and help me correct my mistakes that I overlook. Thank you.

Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to San Antonio International Airport. Local time is 9:45 P.M and the temperature is 87 degrees Fahrenheit...." This is the last announcement made by the flight attendant when the plane reached the destination. This also marked my first arrival to the land of opportunity. My parents and I immigrated from the Philippines to U.S two years ago with the hope of starting again from scratch and have an American dream like the ones I heard or read about America. But reality struck us, my parents were only able to find proper job after searching for three months. Thankfully, my aunt is there to support us.

As for me, I can only hardly cope up in the new environment that bore before me. When someone started to talk to me, I got nervous. I sometimes cannot comprehend what they are saying and cannot answer very well. It seems that all the English lessons I learned in school disappeared. I even started stuttering when I talk to someone sometimes because of nervousness. I also find it hard to talk to some teachers because they are big and scary. I started to realize how hard it is to adapt in a foreign land that I know nothing off. A place filled with different people and cultures than my own. Homesickness struck me a lot of times. I had a lot of friends back in my homeland, but now I became a loner here. But little by little, I started to gain some friends in school. My fear of talking to someone started disappearing little by little.

I was able to talk to some teachers and helped me in my work. Studying became easier for me, because the teachers were able to explain to me the concepts more clearly than the book. From them, I also learned that one can go to college they like because of the government programs and scholarships, which is almost impossible for me to obtain back in my homeland. I talked to my counselor for the first time and learned many things. I also learned how important SAT and ACT exams are, though it was a little late for me to know about it. But I knew that it is not too late for me.

By imagining my parents' hardships, I was able to focus on my study. I became more studious and more determined than ever before. Hoping that I will succeed and achieve my dream that I decided when my mother was hospitalized. Even though it will be hard to meet the goal of becoming a doctor, but with the opportunity that my parents bestowed to me by coming here through their blood and sweats, I will make it happen. I will become a doctor who will help and save many lives. That is my goal and dream that my parents made it possible for me to fulfill that I deemed almost impossible to achieve back in my country. Truly, this is the land of opportunity

Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Remembering my dream

It was the year of 2005, I remember it like it was yesterday. We were still living in the Philippines and life for me was just great! I have two loving sisters and a wonderful parents. My mother is a stay at home parent and she takes care of everything in the house. My father, he is a merchant marine. He always left us and be gone for months and months and come home to us once a year.

One day my mom collapsed. She was pale as a white paper. We hurriedly sent her to the hospital immediately. She underwent blood transfusion and a little IV therapy. The doctor prescribed her a medication for anemia. My mom is back to normal after a few days and returned to her daily routines. We too all thought that it will be the last of it or so we thought. My mother later experienced symptoms that we do not know about. She sometimes experience severe headaches and changes in personality. One of our relatives suggested to bring her to the hospital. The doctor did a CT scan. The result was a brain tumor. Brain tumors is cause by an abnormal growth of tissue in the brain. There are two types of tumors, cancerous (malignant), noncancerous (benign). Thankfully, her case is not a malignant type. It is also a good thing that my dad is member of a seamen union and has a health insurance for our family so we didn't have any financial problems.

I continued studying like usual, because I didn't want to cause more trouble to my elder sister and my father who is still overseas because of work. I suppressed my anxiety and just prayed fervently. The day of the operation arrived, and it was a success. A week passed by, I was able to visit my mom in the ICU to congratulate her for the success of the operation. I wasn't able to kiss or hug her because of safety issues, but I was glad that the operation is a success. After that, Me and my sister went to see the tumor that the neurosurgeon got in my mom's head. It was about the size of an onion and reddish in color. I was astonish by the sight of it. I also wanted to see the doctor but I wasn't able to see and thank him.

My mom was discharge from the hospital a week later. Me and my sister took care of her. We watched her recover little by little. My sister took care of the things that only women can do, like changing my mother's clothes, or giving her a bath. I took care of the things that I can do. I help my mom to eat since she still cannot move her body properly and help my sister bringing her to bed. I was glad that she was strong enough to survive it. Everyday, she kept getting better and better and she was almost like the way she was before.

Watching my mother recover from that made me happy and this experience made me realized how precious life is. This invaluable experience led me to the conclusion of wanting to be someone who can help and save lives in the future. Be it a doctor, a nurse, or even veterinarian. My career goals may change but my idea of wanting to help lives will not.


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