Hello, this is my response for one of Stanford's short essay prompts. I'm not grammar's best friend, so feel free to correct me. Also, my response it 80 characters more than it should be, so please let me know where I can cut. Do you think it is a little boring or needs a little more insight of what I think about traveling? There is not a lot of space and I don't know how to fit information. so many thanks in advance.
Here it is:
As I look around my room,the magnets on my white board from all the different places that I have visited are what first catch my attention.Each of my trips opens my imagination to a whole new world of beautiful memories,life lessons,and great experiences;that's when I know how much traveling matters to me.
Although I have started traveling when I was 40 days old,my motivation to visit every inch of my country was sparked as I first visited the palace of Iran's first king,constructed about 7000 years ago.While growing up as an adventurer who sought to explore her history and culture,I began to sense my profound passion for enhancing my personality as well as deepening my knowledge.While visiting the city of Napa,I encountered the Darioush Winery,a small area dedicated to Darioush's palace in Iran.Seeing the glorifying yet burnt palace reconstructed in America touched my heart, made me believe that every inch of the universe is my home, and fortified me to expand the knowledge of my community about Iran by becoming a member of Culture Club.
Traveling has also been the best friend who gave me the greatest life lessons.While staring at the dusty stars on the ground of Holleywood,I learned that it is only people's memories that remain forever.I decided to work hard for my dreams,be the most successful in my subject,and leave a valuable and eternal legacy for my community.I have been able to learn life lessons from unpleasant trips as well.The most prominent example is when I almost faced death for being stuck in a car that was covered with 10 feet of snow for 48 hours.After surviving this natural disaster,I learned that the future is unpredictable;thus I began to count every second of my life as a precious treasure that I must take good care of and enjoy.
As a citizen of Earth, I believe in Robert Stevenson's quote that says: "There are no foreign lands.It is the traveler only who is foreign." I cannot wait to discover my planet while visiting the fascinating pyramids in Egypt, the beautiful Venice,the devouring,wild adventure in Africa,and the exciting London Eye ride.
Not boring at all ! May be you can cut some name of the place you had visited...
This is a great topic! However, you are rambling a bit when listing places- How about shortening the list a bit, and choosing a few special magnets to elaborate on. Explain why they're important, and what they represent, perhaps with a nice anecdote or two. I'm part Iranian, and I greatly enjoyed the bits about Darioush. I very much enjoyed your ending as well.
- As a citizen of Earth, I believe in Robert Stevenson's quote that says: "There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign." I cannot wait to discover my planet and visit the fascinating pyramids in Egypt, the beautiful Venice,the amazing White House,the devouring,wild adventure in Africa,the Eiffel tower in Paris,and the exciting London Eye ride.
This part is great, but you might want to shorten the list of places at the end. All of them are great, but it's important not to overwhelm your reader. Try shortening the list to three or four places (on a totally random note, Paris and Egypt are GREAT places to visit. Alexandria, Egypt is truly beautiful. You absolutely have to go someday. ). Other than a bit of rambling, this essay is good. Try to cut back on the rambling a bit, to avoid overwhelming the reader, and you'll have a truly Stanford acceptance-worthy essay.
Oh, and if you don't mind, could you take a look at my AP Lang essay? I would appreciate some feedback. :)
Great essay. I believe focusing on two to three places and elaborating on the experience would certainly make it more engaging and reader friendly. Good luck :)
Please read mine, hope to meet you at Stanford next fall. Perhaps we could explore some new places together :)
Thank you very much for all the great comments. I did cut many of the places that I have visited and can say this is a totally different one. this one has 100 more characters :( please let me know what you think and your idea of where to cut.
My role as a citizen of the earth
Hi!
My teacher gave me this title and i really don't know about what i should write. I don't know how to start.
Could you please just give me some idea? (sorry for my english)
Thank you!
Hey Dear,
The essay is asking to describe the impact you can make as an individual in the world...Make some researches online so as to have some insights..Like helping others through volunteer, working for a good cause in a non profit organization...Good luck
