I just wrote this I do not know if it's good, does anyone have any suggestion or corrections?
Throughout my years in Bedford Academy High school I've taken classes that will help me pursue my goal of becoming a lawyer. In 2007 I entered Bedford Academy as a frantic freshman afraid of the transition from junior high school to high school. I began to take pre-law classes that will help me determine whether I want to become a lawyer. Starting the pre-law class, I thought that it would be pretty easy, but that was very untrue. I found out that we had to mock trials, which meant that I had to speak in front of my class mates. Speaking in front of an audience was my weakness. Not only did I have to participate in mock trials, I also had to take test on the lessons that were taught. I am not good at obtaining facts, especially dates, so I knew that this would not be an easy task. I knew in order to excel in my class that I would have to push myself to study hard. I also had to strengthen my weakness of speaking in front of people, so I began to attend tutoring. To attend tutoring I had to be dedicated. In tutoring my teacher prepared me to do well in mock trials, and also gave me the materials that would help me speak well in front of my peers. As the class progressed I gained confidence and knowledge. When my report card came I was surprised and pleased to see a 100.
You missed the point in your essay. Between the first and last lines, you described the transition between an overconfident and prideful student who effortlessly excelled in everything, to one who genuinely appreciated the value of hard work. The starting portions of the essay capture some rather negative qualities, which remains unaffected by your supposed reformation later on. The only redeeming part of your essay was where you admitted that your past notions were wrong - but you only mentioned that at the end briefly, almost like an afterthought. The essay basically goes like this: overconfident student - overconfident student whose self-esteem has just taken a hit - overconfident student who now appreciates the value of effort. You see, despite the fact that you're trying to tell the reader that you no longer believe in results without input, the tone of your essay suggests no little degree of overconfidence.
I would suggest that you change the tone of essay from one of complacency to one of remorse - suggesting that you truly regret having thought the way you did back in high school. Secondly - and this is the more important piece of advice - focus on the transition more. You talked about being eclipsed by others, but even those portions were written dispassionately.
You really could write a good, concise essay in just 250 words.
Kaiser is right. I would also recommend focusing on one moment that captured your quality. Describe it in detail and show how it makes you better as a person, don't just tell us.
thanks for your comments i really appreciate your comments. I will work on this immediately
Kaiser I have a quick question do you think i should just talk about my experience in NYU and leave the beginning out?
First of all, i think your essay is very direct and detailed.
Your first sentence doesn't really reel me in. I think you should delete that sentence.
In 2007, I entered
Starting the pre-law class, I thought that it would be pretty easy, but that was very untrue.
At first, I thought it would be pretty easy, but I was wrong.
I found out that we had to do mock trials
Not only did I have to participate in mock trials, I also had to take test on the lessons that were taught. (But don't we all take tests from lessons that were taught??)
I am not good at obtaining facts, especially dates, so I knew that this would not be an easy task.
(Don't put yourself down in any way) -- Try revising it by saying, "I had some difficulty at obtaining facts, so I knew this would not be an easy task."
To attend tutoring I had to be dedicated.Can be deleted.
In tutoring, my teacher
As the class progressed, I gained
When my report card came, I was surprised and pleased to see a 100.
Your ending for me doesn't do much justice for your excellent grade. Try revising it.
Overall, it seems very choppy. It would sound better if you tried rewritting the whole thing to show your academic progress better. And most importantly, don't forget punctuations!!
Hope it all helps! Goodluck!
Thanks
So do you think I should delete the first sentence and began with the second?
Should i also delete the last sentence or keep it?
You write well. Refine it by taking out unhelpful parts and adding substance, meaning.
afraid of the transition from junior high school to high school. I began to take pre-law classes that will would help me determine whether I wanted to become a lawyer.
Also, what is this about: I am not good at obtaining facts, especially dates, don't say that... say it any other way.
When my report card came I was surprised and pleased to see a 100.----The essay has good specific examples, but I think the ending could be better. In addition to saying you got a 100, you can express the significance of this success for your future plans.
:-)
Throughout my years in Bedford Academy High school I've taken classes that will help me pursue my goal of becoming a lawyer. In 2007 I entered Bedford Academy as a frantic freshman afraid of the transition from junior high school to high school. I began to take pre-law classes that
Yes, when I look at this I think I would like to see it begin with the second sentence. Including the first sentence spells it out too much for the reader, but if you omit that sentence the reader can have a moment of delight when discovering it in the sentence, "I began to take pre-law...."
I like the last sentence, but I don't think surprised is the right word. Just pleased. :-)
