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'my clear sense of goal' - Personal attribute I'm proud of (MIT admission)


DrunkLurker 4 / 18  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about.

Any advices, critics or suggestions are welcome.

Of all qualities, I take the greatest pride in my clear sense of goal. Comprised of the ability to read several steps ahead, unyielding determination and sheer perseverance, it often evoked awe and admiration in peers and seniors alike, especially in those who were previously sceptic towards my efforts.

Such a case was when I was trying to apply for Bauman university in Moscow. My school teachers kept saying that this university was out of my reach while classmates made fun of my goal of entering it. Despite all that, I continued to pursue my dream. Eventually, I was admitted and, when I brought the admission papers to school, those who had laughed and jeered at me quickly changed their attitude to that of commendation and respect.

Now, as I am trying to enter MIT, once again I get a great deal of mockery, this time from my work colleagues and university group mates. "It is impossible," some say, "You cannot do this". Even though they may be right, I have alredy given up on too much to turn back. So, once again, I am doing my best to stay true to my goal. After all, this is the path I have chosen, so I will walk it to the end.

(211 words)

pringles 6 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
This essay seems a little lacking. It might be because you're just straight answering the question. Clarity is good but add a little creativity in it. You could change up the structure a bit and maybe add more detail to your story to show and not tell it.

your last sentence "After all, this is the path I have chosen, so I will walk it to the end"
I personally like it but it might make it look like you're not flexible as an individual. Just a thought, it might be perfectly fine.

If you could help me decide between my two Stanford Roommate letters that would be much appreciated
OP DrunkLurker 4 / 18  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
Personal attribute I'm proud of (MIT admission) - feedback

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about.

The revised version of the essay. Please provide advice on how to improve it.

"Bauman university? Impossible," my homeroom teacher told me as she put school consent form away. After some arguing, however, she reluctantly signed the paper. When my classmates found out I was trying to enter BMSTU, they just mocked me. "Bauman? Who do you think you are?" they laughed at me. Teachers often advised me to try going for different institute. I wanted to tell them I could do it, but I knew my actions would be much more convincing than any words. Even more determined because of this rejection, I started working towards entering this university, willing to prove my peers and teachers wrong.

Right before the day of the exam, however, I had gone down with a raging fever which has not subsided on the day of the exam. I knew how the others would react to my failure if I didn't show up at the university. I also knew I would have to spend a whole year doing nothing since I didn't submit documents to any other institutes in order to make myself work even harder. Knowing all that, staying home was unbearable.

So, barely able to stand, I dragged myself to the university. I had no idea how the exams or the presentation went, however, as I was only left with vague memories of that day. A week later, as I started going to school again, I was met with cheering and approval. As it turned out, university has sent letter of admission directly to school so everyone already knew about it.

This path, opened by my sheer resolve, has let me become the person I am today.
OP DrunkLurker 4 / 18  
Dec 31, 2011   #4
amespeed
Thank you for your response! :)
I'm thinking of adding "Had I simply gone with the flow, I would most likely enter some third-rate college and burn my life away on a job I hate after graduation." Would this be ok?


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