I am submitting this in about an hour, so any critiques that you have would be GREATLY appriciated.
Who I am
"A college essay is supposed to be about you. If I pulled your essence out and put it on this paper, what would it say?"
Who am I? One of life's biggest questions, and it was posed to me five minutes before lunch. I stared dumbly back at my English teacher and my mouth, which usually spit out words at rapid fire, was silent.
If you asked a hundred different people who I was, you would get a hundred different answers. My father would tell you that I am an athlete, and the basketball that has taken up permanent residence in my jeep could attest to that. My best friend would tell you that I am a nerd, but considering that I can beat any boy at the video game Super Smash Brothers, I would take that as a compliment. My mother would tell you that I am a slob (admittedly, my room does look like it was attacked by the love child of a hurricane and a tornado).
But there are things about me that even the people closest to me do not know. Like how every time I look at the night sky, I am completely entranced. Studying astronomy is one of my greatest ambitions. Or how writing a novel is at the very top of my bucket list. I always have a dozen ideas in my head, and a few hundred word documents saved in a secret file. If you asked what my favorite book was, my father might guess the well worn copy of Ender's Game on the nightstand by my bed. If you asked me the same question, I would stare hopelessly at my giant bookshelf, feeling as confused as a mother asked to pick her favorite child.
But who am I? I am a tangled mess of contradictions and good intentions, with a few healthy doses of sarcasm thrown in. I label my Cds with movie quotes. I have actually watched the History Channel for no reason other than curiosity. I have been known to stay up all night, huddled outside with a blanket and a constellation book, trying to match the pictures with the stars. I will run three miles without complaint, but if given the choice between sprinting a hundred yards or having a leg amputated, I would respond, "so, I'm allowed to replace this with a prosthetic, right?" as I climbed onto the operating table.
Writing this essay has shown me something- I do not have a clue who I am. But I'm not worried. Judging by what I know so far, I'd say I sound like a pretty interesting person.
which usually spit (out words) words out at rapid fire, was silent.
My father would tell you that I'm athletic, (and) but the basketball
try not to use words like don't, I'm, it's ect- write it out like do not, i am, or it is
huddled outside with a blanket and a constellation book
great essay and really funny- well done
I have no clue who I am. Should be changed to (I don't have a clue who I am )
I am not sure what the last sentence in the first paragraph means. You don't have a favorite book? or you don't like to read? I would explain that a little more clearly.
Overall it is a good essay, I like the little humor you have included.
my mouth, which usually spit out
it should be my mouth, which usually spits out
The essay is too short, try to expand your message. Tell us the main point of your essay and emphasize more on that.
If you asked a hundred different people who I was, you would get a hundred different answers.
This is a bit of a cliche, but it is useful for making your point so I think it is okay. I'm sorry I could not help in time for your deadline, but I think you are doing well!
My favorite sentence: I am a tangled mess of...
This is not a damning error, but in the future capitalize in situations like this:
I would respond, "So
, I'm allowed to replace this with a prosthetic, right?" as I climbed onto the operating table.