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(cold weather / figure skating class) - UBC application-personal profile

tarepanda 1 / 1  
Jan 21, 2012   #1
Hi, I'm new on this forum. I'm really bad at writings,so please check my two answers for UBC personal profile questions and tell me what you think about them. Advise would be very helpful! Thanks a lot!

Here are they:

Tell us more about one of the activities you listed above, explaining what your goals were, what you did to pursue them, the results achieved, and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

Cold weather (approximately 5°C),strong wind and forty students from Kazakhstan gathered together to surprise and attract some attention of calm Vancouver. It was exactly before my college finals week, so I was doubly nervous.I joined the Kazakh Student Community of British Columbia in their first project as a team. Our goals were to make something creative to represent kazakh students in Vancouver and to congratulate our country with 20th Anniversary of Independence. In order to reach these goals,the idea of creating video project was proposed(Activity 2). We prepared a kazakh national dance, Kara Zhorga, and performed it at Canada place in front of the public.

Our video clip was broadcasted on TV channels in Kazakhstan and received many pleasant feedbacks and comments, but what is more important this experience made me feel more confident about myself and helped me to understand my opportunities and perspectives. I learned how important teamwork is, what does it mean to unite in the name of one idea and how each individual affects the result(especially when it is about dancing).

Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

When I was eleven years old my mom enrolled me in figure skating class. To be honest, at that time I wasn't interested in any sport,because I was shy,flaccid and gutless, but I decided not to argue with mom. After the first class, I felt exhausted,my whole body ached,however the main problem was more mental than physical. Most of children in group were from seven to nine years old, so I felt lagging. In addition, our trainer was strict and demanding,but the worst thing in him was his habit to mock at everyone's failures.

Because of my sensitivity and character weakness at that time, that period of my life was really challenging. But I didn't give up. For the first time I was trying to prove to myself,that I can handle it. This was the first step to change my perception of the world. Now I know, that i can face with greater difficulties and I won't give up. In the process I understood, that people live once, but we were given so many opportunities and options. We should use them, we should fight with excessive pity to ourselves in order to achieve something significant.

Thors Hammer 5 / 60  
Jan 21, 2012   #2
The cold weather line is slick, as well as the line 'unite in the name of one idea...', but you should furnish the place up a bit between the two...

Gliding into eleven my mom ..."just a suggestion..."
Find a way to build off of the antagonist "the trainer" and to not reveal your weaker sensitivities, but rather project bolder ones.

How did you prevail?
Provide to your reader a sense of urgency to a real spelled out dilemma, and how you straddled the horse and galloped it!
(Just my humble opinion though)
OP tarepanda 1 / 1  
Jan 21, 2012   #3
Thank you for advise.)
I'm a international student,so I still have some problems with English. Sorry,what do you mean by " furnish the place up a bit between the two"?

For second one, I will try to change it,thanks)

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