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She collapsed on the chair ; most significant challenge / (MIT)

yara 3 / 4  
Dec 18, 2012   #1
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

I wrote a different essay from what I had, please tell me if I managed to answer both sides of the question, please correct any grammar mistakes, how my essay progressed to the end, basically any comment and review :)

thank you

Everybody was so consumed in the intricate Henna design being drawn on the brides hands, though I admit to Arab families having as many cousins as three American families combined, this wedding was special, the first cousin of mine to get married.

Traditional songs were being played in the background, my eyes flickered over to where my aunt was sitting, I sensed some tension and instinctively went over, only to find her vomiting, I knew it was side effects of the chemotherapy she was going through, I was taken of guard not prepared in such an occasion, I tried to get her to stand up to go outside for fresh air, she could barely stand up, shaking she collapsed on the chair and started to vomit again.

containing my fear, I immediately searched for my father and calmly told him what was happening for him to go treat her, impulsively I searched for my grandmother, she had witnessed two sons die to illnesses and it was my duty to protect her from witnessing this in such a happy time for her, spotting her I went over and took her to the dance floor, to this day I dont understand how I managed to keep a straight face and joke and laugh with her with everything that was going on, especially that my mind was unenthusiastically relating what was happening to my best friend, thinking that this is how she might get in her more progressive stages.
tutu51595 6 / 19 3  
Dec 21, 2012   #2
"not prepared for such an occasion"
"she could barely stand"- its best to take out the word up. it sounds a bit repetitive.
"what was happening so he could go and treat her- the other way sounded awkward
"especially since my mind "

besides these little corrections, I thought the essay was beautiful. Nice work!

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