My College Essay on Archery; All my hard works, for nothing?

Hi guys can anyone please give me some feedback/criticism on my college essay? The harsher the criticism the better :)

This is the essay prompt
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

All my hard works, for nothing?

I was born in Taiwan, a very competitive country. So naturally I worked very hard to be the best. I ignored what other boys considered fun, television, video games, etc. All I did was study. By fifth grade I was already studying high school syllabus. However I was very happy because every time I brought back a certificate my mother would say:

"Hao Erzi" (Good boy in Chinese) and pat me on the head, while I put on my biggest smile.

These shaped my very competitive nature.

I remained very competitive even after moving to El Salvador. This competitive nature had made me lose sight of what is important, passion, until that fateful day:

The weather was perfect for tomorrow's Junior archery competition. I had worked hard for it and I was confident I could win this competition.

I did my usual warm ups. Then I took a deep breath and drew my bow. Everything was calm. It felt as if I was in my own world, the stresses of IB were miles away.

"Crack!"

I jerked forward as this ominous sound woke me up from my world. I looked down but I could already feel what had happened, my bow had broken. I had to forfeit tomorrow's tournament.

Disappointment overwhelmed me. My eyes watered as I slowly remembered all my hard works. The waking up at six o'clock in the vacation just to have a few extra hours to practice archery, the daily two hours practice that I kept even during raining seasons, and the back exercise that I did until the late nights. Then tears started to drop as the memories of the sacrifices I made slowly resurface. The refusals to after school parties just so I could practice in the Friday afternoon and the late night study sessions I had just so I could have an few extra hours to practice. What were all these for? Were all my hard works and sacrifices for nothing?

"żHijo, trabajaste por la competencia o por arquerĂ­a?" (Son, did you work hard for the competition or for archery?) Out of nowhere my coach asked.

I was enlightened; I realized I didn't work hard or make all these sacrifices for the competition. I worked hard because I love archery. Slowly I remembered the joy I had when I shot my first bull-eye, the excitement I had when I received my personal bow, the fun I had when I practiced with my friends, the anxiety I had when I attended my first tournament and the astonishment I had when I first saw the exorbitant price tag of my favorite bow.

This was an epiphany; I remembered the reason why I worked hard. It was something I had forgotten for a long time, it was my passion. I realized that I did not work hard just to be the best but rather for the things I love, for my passions. Slowly the tears in my eyes dried. I was smiling.

PLEASE give me feedbacks!!!

Do you think the essay is a little bit too Melodramatic?

I think that this essay is great! it's not too melodramatic really, you end with a smile! You clearly get your point across, that you were working hard for your own benefit, not for some trophy. You may want to consolidate the first 6 paragraphs into 1 or 2, otherwise the essay seems a little haphazard. There are a few other minor grammatical errors here and there, but otherwise, it's a really cool essay!

however, I was very happy because every time I brought back a certificate my mother would say: -need comma

These shaped my very competitive nature. -what are "these"

I remained very competitive even after moving to El Salvador. This competitive nature had made me lose sight of what is important, passion, until that fateful day: -don't use a colon here

I did my usual warm ups. Then I took a deep breath and drew my bow. Everything was calm. It felt as if I was in my own world, the stresses of IB were miles away. -tell what "IB" is.

My eyes watered as I slowly remembered all my hard works -use a better word than slowly

What were all these for? Were all my hard works and sacrifices for nothing? - I don't think you need the first question

Out of nowhere my coach asked. - I think "My coach asked out of nowhere" flows better

Otherwise, I think it's a good idea! I don't think its too melodramatic in fact you could maybe even switch up some of the verbs to make it a little more dramatic. Good job so far!

Spencedawg: Thank you so much for the reply. Will organize it better right now
HC2013:Thanks I am struggling with my Grammar because I am not a first language English speaker and your help meant a lot to me

Here is the revised version, what do you guys think?

All my hard works, for nothing?

"a very competitive country so naturally"


diligently? simple words are good but you need to draw them in with your introduction.


I abandoned (or synonym) normal passtimes, passed up television and video games in favor of studying. Obviously not this exact wording because I said pass several times but generally combine your beginning sentences to vary your structure.


not sure the comma is necessary


"very" is not a strong word and you used it several times close together. Same with competitive, although I'm not sure which synonym could take its place


Since you haven't mentioned the day yet, maybe use "a fateful day" or to eliminate the repetition of "competitive nature". I had begun to lose sight of was most important, passion, until one fateful day, I discovered blah blah"


describe the weather, paint a scene, "The sun shone over the grassy field. Contestants from 15 different schools were scattered about the area."


maybe "would win"


As an IB student, I totally understand the greatness that is forgetting your coursework but the explanation really detracts from the mood you're setting up. I would switch to "the stressed of school" or assume the admissions officers know what IB is. They probably do.


"as an ominous sound jolted me out of my ____" daydream or whatever synonym


I think this is a good place for a semicolon instead of the comma


"hard work"


My eyes began to water as I slowly recounted all the sarcrifices I had made: waking up at six o' clock during vacation to squeeze in a few extra hours of practice, the two hours daily that I spent improving my skills, no matter the weather..."

In general, just rewrite into one sentence combined by a colon and make sure to replace one "practice" word in the set.


"resurfaced"


Second time you've used that exact phrase


"Was all my hard work for nothing?" Stick to just one, hard work or sacrifice. You wouldn't really ask yourself both.


If it's still the same sentence, you don't need a capital M on "my coach"

Kind of a rough jump from this statement to epiphany. Explain how it affected you.


"joy I had felt...my excitement when I"


"the reason I had worked hard, something I had forgotten for a long time. It was..."

You use parallel structure with "the" a lot. I would leave one example of that because it seems to be part of you voice but I would cut some of it out as it tends to sound a bit preachy.

Don't pay attention to all of these. Don't let me make your essay into my own. Just things I would have changed if it were my paper. Of course your voice is different than mine.

Thanks again for all the help.

I think maybe you can say something about how archery has affacted your personality? I mean I can clearly see your passion archery, but if you don't put something about "humanity" or your character or something, unless the college really needs a great archer,... Like i always respect some archer's aplomb and calmness, but that's just an example. Of course, my suggestion can be trivial. Overall, it's a fantastic essay. Good Luck!

Hey guys thank you all so very much for the replies, especially Amadeco's reply very thoughtful and throughout.
@Anally
I wanted to college admission to see that I am not a person that is all about scores, I am actually passionate about the things I work on. Did I pass this message on effectively? If not what do you suggest?? Thank you very much