College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, Penn Engineering; school choice

Hello I am applying to UPenn and would like for someone to review my essay for any corrections and or improvements. This is my first time on this form or on any form. I appreciate any help in trying to improve my writing. I am applying early decision and I have until 11/1/2014 (7 days). Please feel free to give any comments and be honest.

"The Admissions Committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice (College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, or Penn Engineering). Please tell us about specific academic, service, and/or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interests, and goals." 400-650 words

I have been informed numerously about college and its impact on ones future. That every step taken plays a function in forming the University one will attend, which would help assure that person's chances of success. I worked diligently to fulfill that dream inspired by the experience of the masses close to me. I sought for that University passing by it without notice until that day arrived when my eyes were opened to the power of attraction that went along to attract me. A spot that affords me the ability to expand my relationships outside the boarders. Stepping inside I discovered people who were proficient at what they manage. Others helping you gain while others making sure you don't lose. Times came when I criticized my achievements in front of the university that everyone complemented. Being a person who thrives to achieve the best is the reason why I was steadfast in my decision to going to UPenn.

Offering a broad scope of opportunities to participating outside the classroom, UPenn, not only allows me to become an engaged student in class, but an active member in the community. For example, the International Program, held at UPenn, helps students view things from other positions. Likewise, the availability of clubs and organizations, such as the CommuniTech Club, which helps tremendously in connecting peers in order to achieve certain ends. It teaches students the power of unity and how to work with a diverse set of people to reach the same goal. At UPenn, you experience what is called learning through services. This substantial eminent program provides scholars with the ability, as we say, to hit two birdies with one stone. You take in students using what they've discovered in the classroom to the tangible world while benefiting themselves and others simultaneously. Incorporating people who merge between academics and socialization inside a beautiful, historical, and lively environment UPenn can easily be classed as an elegant rich bowl of success.

- Why are you wasting your time talking about the importance of a college education and choosing the right school when the prompt asks you to discuss what academic courses and programs at the university interest you? You only have a limited number of words to express those reasons so don't waste it by beating around the bush. Your opening statement should open with one of the programs that you are keen on enrolling in or participating in as a student at the school. That is what will grab the attention of the admissions officer. What you wrote will actually get your essay ignored. So change the introduction and use an effective hook to keep the reader interested in what you have to say.


- This is a generalized cop out paragraph. you should delete this because it does not state anything that answers the prompt. It becomes very obvious to the reader that you do not know anything about the university, its course offerings, and programs because you cannot discuss how these can help you achieve your future academic and career goals. Remember, you need to answer the prompt properly. Right now, I do not see any indication of you even getting close to providing the prompt requirements. Research the university offerings and write the essay based upon the connection of their course offerings to your plans as a student.

I can't even continue reading your essay at this point because a quick scan of the content already tells me that this is not worth reading. The essay prompt has not been satisfied and if I were the admissions officer, this will definitely end up in the rejection pile.

vangiespen thank you for your advise. I will work on improving my essay.
Just one advice, when giving others advice think about what you will say. I am purely telling you this for your sake. Check this out:

Your essay is off topic and if I was the one to judge your essay I would throw it in the trash. I couldn't even continue reading the essay.

OR
It seems that you have put a lot of effort in working on this beautiful essay. However, I highly recommend that you remove the Intro or change the entire essay because it is off topic. Wish you luck.

Both messages are delivered fully, which would you like to hear?

I again thank you for your help, just try and work on how to send the message more than the message its self so people can accept it. (:

Most of the students we work with here ask us to be very blunt. To the point of pointing out the reasons that your essay will not pass the reading standards of the admissions officer. While I can understand that you would prefer to be treated with kid gloves, rejection letters will come to you and you will not even know why you were rejected because you feel that you wrote excellent essays. Part of the reason why you are asking us for advice is because you want to avoid that.

By the way you claim that I told you :


But what i really commented was:


So I am not sure where you got the idea that I told you this essay would end up in the trash. I have reviewed my comment for this essay carefully and looked for the comment you posted but I did not find any portion where I said that. I gave my opinion to you as respectfully as possible. Remember, as a reviewer, I am supposed to be in the mindset of the admissions officer and tell you exactly what I think about the essay from that point of view.

I will take your advice under consideration though and treat you with kid gloves. The others here though, prefer the blunt comments so I will reserve my straightforward comments for them.

Please do not start a flame war here with me as that is against forum regulations and can get you account suspended when reported or seen by the moderators so please do not respond to this post with any comments that can be misconstrued as such. I am merely pointing out what I believe to be a mistaken post in this thread. Thank you :-)

No, I really do thank your efforts in trying to help me improve my essay. Also, I didn't say that you said I just used it as an example. I apologize for being unclear. I just worked very hard on the essay and just came back from ACT today, so after reading the comment I kind of felt pulled down. ;)

I will change the essay and try my best in answering the question as you mention. I will keep you posted on updates. One thing, how do you suggest I start the essay? Also, do you want me to change the entire essay? If not all, what parts to keep and what parts to remove?

No problem. No harm, no foul :-) I can understand how you can come home from a hard day of academics and be pulled down by even the slightest of negative feedback. I apologize fro coming down hard on you. Now about how to best start this essay. I would like you to consider doing the following in outline form.

1. List down your ideas for future accomplishments relating to your career. Don't forget to list the foundation of these ideas from your past as well.

2. Write down how you plan to lay the foundation for achieving those goals and objectives as a student.
3. Compare the course curriculum and program offerings of the school you applying to in consideration of steps 1 and 2. Find the ways in which they connect.

4. Write your opening statement based upon these connections and then build specifically upon the connections in your supporting paragraphs. Making sure to present the end result of the strong academic foundation in your concluding paragraph.

If you follow steps 1-4, you should be able to satisfy the essay prompt and maybe even have a little room for some additional comments that relate directly to the prompt :-) If you write a creative hook at the start, your reader should read the whole essay :-)

Here is an example of an introductory statement from my point of view:

The Wharton Business School offers me the opportunity to build upon my previous inclinations in business. Ever since I started my first Lemonade stand in the summer of 2004, I somehow knew that I would end up running a business. As I matured, so did my interests in the business field. Upon discovering that Donald Trump, my business role model, and his children graduated from your school, I knew that I wanted to attend your university. What I learned upon further research was that, your school creates business leaders because of the opportunities you offer. Opportunities such as the ... which I hope to take advantage of as a student at Wharton.

Then you build up from there. Remember, that is just my idea. I just want to give you something solid to plan your introduction by :-)

Post your introduction here first if you want, we can work on creating the solid foundation for your essay first and then take things further from there. I'm looking forward to assisting you :-)

Thank you so much, will do. I have until November 1 because I am applying early decision. That means I have to get working.
To confirm:
1. Future Goals and how these goals appeared in my past.
2. How I plan to achieve those goals.
3. List what programs help me accomplish #2.
4. Start Intro.

Also in your example it seemed like you answered the question immediately instead of leading the essay to it.

Yes to all of your questions. Let me explain why I answered the question so early into the essay. I answered the question immediately because it gives the air of knowledge and authority over what I have to say. It shows my confidence in my academic goals and ambitions and that I have a career path charted for myself. By showing confidence early on in your essay, you can actually impress the admissions officer. Specially if you are able to speak about the university offerings immediately. Remember, a serious business person has no time to waste and as a business student, you don't have time to waste either. Therefore establishing your mindset at the very start of the essay will show that this is a serious application that they should consider for early acceptance. Good luck with your revision!

This is another attempt in trying to construct a good essay. I really hope this works.
[...]

Don't be another copy on the shelves" - UPenn writing Supplement

I am applying to UPenn early decision and would like to receive some feedback on my writing supplement. Please give any feedback on suggested improvements and/or mistakes. I appreciate any efforts in helping improve this essay.

"Don't be another copy on the shelves," my uncle once said. Metaphorically relating me to a book, my uncle taught me to focus my ambition on being unique. A life changing quote directing me to innovate the field I admire rather than to augment it. Possessing an affinity for technology and searching for a career that would provide me the opportunity to devise and create was what drew me towards engineering. In addition, I have always had some type of sympathy towards the cosmos and how it functions. Coming upon a split path, as such, was a problem for me. Seeing UPenn and the flexibility offered through the interdisciplinary opportunities was a natural attraction, as if a breeze of cool air coated my flaming heart. Receiving the chance to acquire education to my customization through a dual-degree program is incomparable. I admire the ability, given to me by UPenn, to extend my education without being restricted to a prescribed set of courses, which can act as a barrier between my dreams and me.

Being a visual learner, I have always seen that education can be best interpreted when applied or connected to reality. Attending a school that excels in teaching its students how to carry their education from the classroom to the real world is essential. Penn offers a wide scope of research opportunities that permit scholars to gather real world experience. In addition, that imperative experience occurs within a group of peers

who share similar goals and pursuits. From these fascinating programs, many of which I intend to take advantage of, is the Rachleff Scholars program. Owning an interest in Nano education, I was amazed after being informed about the Nanotechnology research facility, which was the newest building on campus containing equipment of value, during my visit to UPenn.

Knowing that before applying any knowledge I have to pose a solid foundation of academics in the classroom made me concerned about the education portion of my school of choice. UPenn truly sets itself apart by providing students with a rigorous education through great, noble prize winning, professors. In addition, because of the small class capacity I am not considered an anonymous figure, rather I am an acknowledged individual who plays a part in creating the room. The opportunity to participate, ask questions, understand, and focus inside a classroom is central. Perceptive to these facts I plan to take that opportunity to achieve my goal in gaining the best education in order to be prosperous.

My aspiration is to one day create a change in this world. Why? For so long did I look up to the great people of our past. Their names, till this day, live to teach us the true significance of life. I intend to carry on their inspiration and goals and continue the road they chose without allowing any barrier to stop me. There are certain doors that I have to take in order to fulfill my dream and the maiden of my doors, that I chose, was UPenn. A space where I can take a flexible measure of education from some of the best in their fields including real world experience prior to graduation. Given this opportunity would allow me to pursue my dream in adding my name to the inclination of those who changed.

Also, try to fix the last paragraph. Instead of just wanting to become famous in later generations, try to give the impression that you want to leave something important and contribute to the progress of later generation. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion, and I hope this helps!

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I appreciate your help.

Regarding the final paragraph, my intention wasn't to tell the reader that my goal was fame. I just simply said that I looked up to those who created change and that I plan to walk in their steps to create change as well, which is basically to contribute to the world as a whole.