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My college essay - Describe the most important thing in my life and explain why - My persistence

david2004 2 / 5  
Oct 20, 2021   #1



My answer:

Each person has a different concept of the most critical thing in their lives, and to me, nothing is more important than my persistence.

After successfully getting into my dream high school, another problem started to appear to me. Even though I'm not in good shape, I have always been a huge fan of soccer so I applied to the soccer club at my school as soon as they announced their recruitment. However, when I showed up at the try-out, almost everybody there, even some of the judges, was laughing at me. Obviously, I failed that test, but I didn't feel discouraged and tried to practice for the club's selection next year. One more time, I was jeered for my overweight body at the try-out, and I couldn't be recruited. Again, my persistence didn't allow me to quit, so I kept practicing and waiting for my opportunity. Fortunately, this time I had successfully passed the test with a quite high score and officially became a member of my school's soccer team.

From my experience, I must acknowledge that I cannot succeed in the future with just my persistence alone, but without it, I'm sure that I won't be able to achieve any of the big goals in my life.

** Every feedback to my essay is appreciated. Thank you in advance.

P/s: Can anyone tell me how to keep posting my other essays in my thread, please? ( I could only find the comment section, which I believe is not appropriate)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,974 4811  
Oct 20, 2021   #2
While you were persistent in this case, your persistence came within the act of perseverance. So you should either use perserverance as your character description here or, use both perseverance and persistence in your description as the two words actually go hand in hand when defined:

Perseverance - steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I believe that a word change is more in order rather than a coupled use of the terms. Reading the definition clearly explains your embodiment of the word meaning.

As for posting in your thread, you can only post one essay at a time in the applicable thread. For college applications, you may use the writing feedback or grammar thread for your purpose. You must post each essay seperately otherwise your account will be suspended by the moderators. Do not worry, these threads will all be collated under your profile for easy reference.
OP david2004 2 / 5  
Oct 20, 2021   #3
Thank you so much for your help, but can you tell me if my essay was on-point or not, please? I still have no idea if my essay is appropriate or not. Thank you!

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