I would appreciate feedback on this letter, especially on grammar and vocabulary
I know I am touching some delicate topics here, and I also am aware of that it's a very informal style, but it's the way that I would
really communicate with somebody over facebook or other platforms for example.
What do you guys think about this style?
I also have to shorten this letter, so any suggestions on that would be appreciated as well.
Thanks in advance for your time
Topic: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
Dear Stanford Roommate,
College man! I can't wait! It's going to be the best time of our life! I have been looking forward to this moment for so long and now here it is! Parties every day and hot, college chicks; just kidding! Or maybe not? I have always wondered if the parties over there in the US are like the American Pie parties!? I hope we can find out together!?
If I ever got into Stanford with this opening line, and if you ever really read this essay, you would probably ask yourself by now if all I cared about is partying!? Well, the answer is yes, at least on the weekends. For me it is a perfect get-together with your best friends and an opportunity to break free from your ordinary, daily life. I have already been to discos and pubs as early as 16, which is legal in my home country, Austria. However, don't get me wrong: even though I do have a few beers, I am not the person, who will knock himself out completely with alcohol. I am more the guy, who enjoys the atmosphere and if the music is good, I am usually the first one on the dance floor, shaking to the beat.
Even though I am usually not the noisiest roommate, you won't get around listening to some Eminem songs from time to time. He is one of my favorite artists. Even though many people detest him for his offensive lyrics, I really appreciate how he used his inferior circumstances in the past to turn it into something for his advantage.
Eminem's songs aren't just great to listen to in the club, but they are also really motivating when I do sport. There is nothing more satisfying than taking a nice jog or working out in the gym while listening to his music. I Hope you like sport as much as I do!?
I am already really looking forward to meeting you. And by the way, get accustomed to doing chores! I have moved out of home two months ago and now live in a flat together with two other guys in Vienna. Even though it is awesome to be independent and to be able to make your own choices without your parents complaining, you also get to do more chores. Things like washing or cooking aren't that fun! But you will find out soon! But, don't worry in case you ever need help, you know who to ask, right?
I like your enthusiasm. The exclamations points really show that! However, I feel like you should try to focus on one or two areas that explain who you are. Certainly this essay does that already, but it jumps around from one topic to another so quickly.
I understand what you are saying, but I want to cover a few areas of my interests and it's just not possible to deal with each topic thoroughly with just 2000 characters available
Do you have some suggestions instead how I could combine the interest of partying and music (eminem) better (and sport), so that the essay doesn't sound that choppy?
If I got into Stanford with this opening line, and if you read this essay, you would probably ask yourself by now if partying is all I cared about !?
I am a guy who enjoys good atmosphere and good music.
Talking about music... And his song is great as a jogging partner(or whatever you want to put, I don't know the right word) because...
This can make the essay more coherent (though I still think that it's kind of forced), but it will lose the focus about your love for sport and shift the focus on music instead.
I would appreciate your help on my essay, especially on my roommate essay ^-^
Love your letter... very honest!! its shows that your a well-rounded person... love it!!! At the end, you mentioned living alone independently, that is a great part it shouldn't be at the end... put it in the front and talk about it more